Operation Organize

With 1 week left of vacation, I am seeing the need more than ever to get my house in order. Yes there are still major repairs that are in need of attention, but How am I going to be able to get to them if the rest of the house is in such disarray? So here is the plan...

I am going to get all the rooms cleaned out and sorted over this next week. Kids in the room I want them in, toys in their own room, Clutter gone through, and everything in a place. Yes it is a big order, but before it was the looming repairs holding me back. Now I have a plan to tackle these repairs, and if the rooms are in order, each weekend when people are offering to help with one of the major repairs, I can simply pull out the room to be renovated and then replace when it is done, but if everything else is in order it will make one room at a time go so much more smoothly.

That being said, and all the offers I have had for help... who wants to come over and keep me company while I sort and clean my house?

Day 92... wanna help?

What was I thinking?

My brother offered to have Christmas morning at his house but dumb me asked the kids what they wanted (we usually did it at our house) and they wanted it at our house still. But they are not keeping up on their jobs at all, we keep having people drop stuff by making our already cluttered house more cluttered. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate it more than they will ever know... I am just frustrated with my children and their lack of help... I have so much to do and not enough time to get it done it seems. But I have a deadline now.. Christmas morning... Clean house... can I do it? (on top of everything else I have to do?) Time will tell...

Day 91... Clean house... I hope!

Overall good results

My day went well, I have paid a ridiculous amount of money in fines, but it was significantly less then it could have been. I escaped with no jail time (which would have been silly anyway) and am able to pursue getting my license renewed next week. Like all items on my to do lists, I crossed one thing off and added 3 more things, but it was a HUGE thing off the list.

So hopefully I will have my license by Christmas, what a nice Christmas present!

day 90... countdown to drive!

My day in Court

Most of my close friends who know me know my driving issues and why I am not driving. Well it all comes to a head today, one way or another. With Kris gone I am forced to clear all this traffic citations up so we can be a mobile family and not depend heavily on others for transportation. So these last couple weeks I have cleared up 2 of the 3 warrants in the various cities I have received them. Today is the worst of the three, the one that started it all, with the cold hearted judge of my hometown. Everytime I would go in they would threaten jail time PLUS a huge fine. With Kris sick or not working, and all my money going towards bills, it was far easier to have Kris drive and just avoid this.... BIG MISTAKE. It has snowballed to a ridiculous amount and even with friends and family with an "IN" talking to them, they are telling me count on serving time. I retained an attorney and will see what my fate holds in 3 short hours.

I have not slept, I feel sick, I am drowning in this suffocating house that I have no desire to clean. I can only hope that this goes well, I can not be away from my kids right now!

Day 89... waiting to see...

One thing done

I tried the whole curling up and crying thing... it didn't work... I feel worse than I did, I feel no resolution, I feel like I have let people down that I blew off, but I am clean because it happened in a 3 hour long shower...(the water was off the last couple hours)

So today's goal... get back to life.
Day 88... Live

Something Clean...

Housekeeping was NEVER my strong point, it was always Kris telling me to get things done, or nagging and complaining until it got done. Now you can tell who it was pushing for the clean house... so here is the goal part of this post...

I need to accomplish SOMETHING on this house... it just seems to get worse, and tomorrow is the ONLY day next week I will even stand a chance to get it done. So no details, no self motivation, just a simple I have to get something accomplished...

Day 87... get stuff done

Take Note

I have been without a computer for about a week, and it killed me. I would think of stories I wanted to write, or things I wanted to blog about, and I couldn't. Now I have a computer to access and I can't remember the things I wanted to say. I don't like writing all my thoughts down with pen and paper, because 1) my writing can't keep up with my thoughts, and typing barely can. And 2) I hate retyping something I have already written... I am slow at that kind of typing.

So here is my new goal. Simply jot down my ideas when they come to me to about what to write on so I am ready next time I sit at the keyboard. I really hope I can remember them soon... some where good and I remember laying awake at night wording things in my head the right way.

Day 86... jot it down

To Do List

I have always had a rather large to do list, but I think this one grows everyday, and I think I keep getting lots done or accomplished, but each call leads to another, and each appointment has more things to get done. I am just really tired of having all these things to get done, and them haunting me. Haunting me that I only have to do this because Kris is gone. Haunting me because they are still things that should have been done ages ago. All I really want to do is write, it helps so much. I would like to have a decent night's sleep... but that has only happened once since he passed, and that was out of sheer exhaustion. But I am afraid if I don't get a full decent night sleep, that will happen again.

I have my list of things I need to do, and have needed to do that have nothing to do with him.
I have my lift of things that I am now forced to do that I should have done before but I am now FORCED to do because he is not here.
Then I have my list to do that I only have to do now because he is gone. This is the list I hate the most. I hate having to make something so emotional, not, and keep it business like.

So I start today trying to knock out my to do list... let's see how far I get...

Day 85... to do

Fail

Fail on my last goal of major cleaning... it was suppose to get done for the kids getting home... but it was harder than I thought, and I am not one to accept help easily there. If someone helps there it needs to be someone who knows us, so they are not careless with his memory.

So my new goal for the day... get organized, with the kids schedules and with a list of what I need to get done, call, arrange, this week. Before the craziness of the holidays...

I need to make this work as close to normal as I can for my kiddos... it is going to be hard enough already, so I am hoping while I have one more week off of Ikea I can get lots accomplished.

Day 84... organize

Clean

So my goal with having the kids gone was to get our house cleaned and set up for them to come home with a clean house ready to go... but it has turned into a quiet place for me to break down and grieve without the kids seeing me freak out... and getting all my frustration out.... but not a lot of cleaning going on... so tomorrow morning (I realize technically it is tomorrow) I am going to work on getting through this messy house, ready to tackle the holidays with a brave face and a clean house... wish me lots of luck... and if anyone out there is bored feel free to come help with the cleaning...

Day 83... project clean house

Gratitude

This month on face book, several of my friends have been posting what the are grateful for each day. My first thoughts on this is that I need to be more grateful, and what a good goal. Then I lost my love, and these just annoyed me... how could I be grateful for anything when I have lost my everything. They would just irritate me more and more each time I saw them. I think because I am so full of other emotions the idea of gratitude is the furthest thing I want to feel.

After a day of shutting everyone out, I realized I don't have to do this on my own, even though that is what is in my nature to do. I came to my dad and sister's house to help prepare for the big dinner tomorrow (which is hard enough already since it was always Kris doing the preparing) I fell asleep early from exhaustion and ended up staying the night. My sleep habits have been so out of whack I was up early and couldn't sleep any more.

I realized it was Thanksgiving, and was sad at first... Then I realized how Grateful I am that I had 16 years with him... I long so much to have had more but at least I had the great fortune to have had him, for that I will be eternally grateful.

day 82... thanks

Guilt

Since my hubby died I have had a lot of guilt, guilt thinking I should have called for help sooner, guilt I wasn't more aware of how sick he had been, guilt for not spending every possible second with him before I lost him.

I have also used guilt on my kids much more frequently since he has passed, dad wouldn't let you do that, would dad be okay with that, would dad approve of your choices?

And now I am feeling especially guilty because I have tons of well meaning family and friends who are simply worried about me and want to check up on me... but I am ignoring my door, my phone and messages on facebook.

I know I tend to sleep lots when I get depressed, and I have slept lots today, but I feel like I just need that time for me to cope... and I have had every possible way of coping go through my thoughts since I have locked myself away this afternoon. I have screamed, cried, sobbed in the shower, cleaned out his clothes, done some dishes, sorted the front closet, read his obituary over and over again, yelled at him, screamed at God for taking him, laid perfectly still willing myself to feel him, watching parts of his favourite movies, listened to his music. I just feel so lost with out him, I am not even sure where to begin coping.

So I apologize to my friends and family for the ignoring you, but please give me my space for today... besides there is a storm in case you haven't heard, and I want everyone I know safe at home.

Day 81... guilty

Gone

With every step of this process it makes the horror I am going through more and more real. We dressed him today. The kids were so tough, I think it was good for them. I hope it wasn't too much, I try to protect them from too much pain, but I don't know what is too much. There is no handbook for helping your children deal with the loss of a parent.

I slept almost all through the night last night, and I almost feel guilty for it. I liked knowing it was too hard to get through the night without him... but I did. I have had all the kids in my bed and I think that has helped.

I am so glad he is at peace now, not haunted by dreams, and no longer sick and in pain... but now I am in pain. I feel like all my basic needs, eating sleeping, have to be forced now. I don't eat until I have gone so long and it is forced on me. I don't sleep until it has been a whole week and then I sleep all night out of exhaustion.

Today we are going to have to get through the viewing, I know there are going to be so many people and I am not sure I am ready to handle this.

Part of me feels guilty for so many aspects of his death, perhaps if I had been stronger in the church I wouldn't have to be tested, perhaps if I had called sooner he would still be here, I try not to dwell on those, but when I am alone that is what goes through my head, is all the guilty and every way I could have been able to prevent this.

Everyone tells me I am being soo strong and handling things so well... are they forgetting I have 4 children I have to be strong for? How would they know how well or not well I am handling this? Or they are telling me I have done good at setting things up up or planning the funeral, I have only done well at this because of knowing how to do it when I lost my mom.

Today my goal is to make certain the kids are doing okay, it is the viewing and we are going to try to go see a movie before so there is something else to talk about and remember... I know he would want that, the night before he died we watched the previous movie so we were ready for the next one to come out. I am still shocked it has been a week since we lost him.

Day 80...okay?

Loss

I have gone from being MIA on my various blogs to posting non stop, I think because if I have to think about what I am writing, even if it is about him, it keeps me from dwelling too long on the hard stuff.

I started this here blog in an attempt to accomplish some goals, long term, short term, simple, hard, just accomplish them. With my hubby passing I decided I need to simplify a little more and make the goal to take one day at a time... which is all I can do right. It is when I think "how am I going to raise these kids on my own?" I kinda break down. I know I have some great support, and lots of it, but kids NEED their dad. So I am taking each day one step at a time...

Today I am going to get through shopping for my funeral clothes, dressing my husband, and gathering anything I need to have there at the funeral. I am going to be strong for the kids, but let them know I am hurting too. I have luckily found I can tell when he is near... I have an odd warmth about me, and even though I feel the tears right on the edge of falling... they never do. It is when they fall he is helping someone else cope.

Day 79... 1 day at a time... for now just cope.

Sad

So I have been really missing my computer because I love to just type. It makes me feel so much better. But the reason I am back online now and able to type is SOOO not worth it. I lost my best friend and love of my life Friday. Because of this my great family and friends are not letting me be alone and they are taking me to their homes... with computers and internet.

I miss him sooo much and I know I will have the support needed to get through this, but will I be strong enough for my children? With the loss of my mother I learned I was stronger than I thought... but I also learned it was because I had Kris for support, and I needed to learn to lean on him then. I guess I now need to learn to lean on others too.

Day 78... strong?

Miss me?

I have been without a computer since Friday night. I am really going crazy and I now realize how much of my life is on there, schedules, kids grades, contacts through email. I am very grateful for my awesome phone that has limited email, and I hope my friend can fix my computer quickly because this is going to be my first and only post via phone because my thunbs hurt from typing and the typos are killing me. day 77.... webphone post

Yeah me!

I had big plans on completing my whole house over fall break... while I still have lots to go, I have gotten my main objective completed... I set up the family room downstairs for my teens and their friends to come watch tv and play games in MY house. So much less worrying about what they are doing and who they are with if they are at my place. My friends always hung out at my house, and I liked it that way... I can now see why my parents preferred it that way too.

But I still have lots to do, but I am just glad I got that project done...

Day 76... one room done... more to go

Big plans... no results

That is how my long weekends turn out. I had almost a full week off, you would think I would be able to accomplish sooo much, but NO. Lazy ass me sat in bed tell who knows how late, then stalled to get going till it got to be the time hubby got home and I felt I should spend time with him... even after he fell asleep at like 8 o'clock. So what is my problem? I was thinking about it and as a teenager I was so motivated, I would do all these classes, and find time to be with friends, but I was a bit spoiled and didn't have many chores. Well I want to know where that motivation went, not to mention that metabolism I mean really?

I am now seeking for my lost M&M motivation and metabolism, if you have found either, or know where I can get more please let me know, I am getting desperate.

Day 75... M&M

Up at night...

I realize I recently posted on here already, however it is 2:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I drank too much caffeine, and my hubby is snoring, and my mind just won't stop going when I close my eyes to sleep. I thought about working on my novel... but I cannot find my flash drive it is on, and I have added lots more to the one saved on the computer (I checked) so I don't really want to work on it until the most current one is found. So my solution is to write on here. I considered writing on my other blogs... but rambling just didn't fit into either of those blogs themes very well. I am not exactly sure as to what I even want to write... my mind is just turning and my fingers are typing...

I had been thinking of posting random things about myself not everyone knew about me on here.. so maybe now is a good time for that...

1) my favourite colour is purple
2) if there is an English vs. American way to spell something, I like to spell it the English way
3) I used to bite my nails... but I have recently overcome this habit
4) I have 4 children... which works perfect for me because I have a balance issue
5) I have weird balance, number issues. I like things to be odd numbers... so why does 4 children work with that? because it makes our family 3 boys and 3 girls
6) if I wear jewelery I like it to be odd numbers
7) astrology/horoscopes fascinate me... I do not rely on them, it just is funny how accurate they can be.
8) my mother was a Pisces and my dad is an Aquarius, I am a Pisces, and my hubby an Aquarius, My oldest son is a Aquarius, and my oldest Daughter is a Pisces
9) when I get new clothes I dress in waves of colour, like a few years ago I was in an orange phase, than a turquoise, which then was brown... now I am kinda on a black/purple one
10) I really like chocolate
11) I am not the best cook, however I really like to bake
12) I tend to start sentences with SO
13) I can be a bit OCD on some things (more than I care to admit)
14) I hate the markers at preschool, they don't always match the lid
15) at preschool and in the kids section at ikea I have a certain order I like to arrange the chairs... if it is not in that order I try really hard to ignore it, but the first opportunity at either I try to fix it.
16) I am really bad at cleaning, just because I am really good at cleaning... I cannot just "tidy up a room" I have to start at one corner sorting through everything until I work my way to the opposite corner... with my busy schedule that usually ends up with a mess until I can get back to it
17) I tend to get depressed rather easily (duh if you read this blog you know that)
18) I can't handle being alone long... I start having conversations with the pets and jumping on beds
19) I don't like it all quiet... I need some kind of background noise
20) I really enjoy writing, I am just not that good at it yet
21) I am pretty good at crafty things, I just don't have much time to spend on it
22) my mom was born on 3/15/53 and died on 4/6/08 ... and this fascinates me... born on all odd numbers, died on all even, no wonder I like odd numbers more
23) I really love being the center of attention
24) I have always felt I was destined for a famed life... and not sure how or where that fame would come from... but I still feel that may... perhaps that is just becaue I am rather full of myself
25) my lucky number is 5, my hubby's is 7 so we compromised and got married on the 6th

I will add to list on occasion as I know there are several more things Icould add to this list, but it is now 3 am, and I do have to work in the morning and get kids ready for school.

day 74... the start of the ME list

Blessings

I am trying to keep up on my positive outlook, so I have been thinking of things I am grateful for... even if they seem silly...

I am grateful that I have fine blonde hair that I only have to shave once a month if that.

I am grateful my kids are healthy... although I think a dose of cough medicine on occasion would calm them down a bit and make my life a little easier.

I Love this Fall weather and look forward to a nice drive in the colourful canyons.

I am grateful for my respectful, polite children... I love hearing compliments about them, much better than complaints.

I am grateful for my hard working hubby, wish it was in him to slow down a little to spend more time with him though.

I love that my hubby and kids love to be with family, it makes me happy when my teenagers chose us over friends, although that is only on occasion.

I am grateful for the internet, I love keeping up with friends and family, and having such quick access to anything I could ever possibly need... just wish it wasn't so addicting and tempting...

I love all my talents, I love dancing, I love writing, I love being creative with scrapbooking, sewing, etc.... I wish I had more time to develop them, but how lucky I am to have the opportunity to develop them.

I am grateful my children are smart... sounds dumb, but I truly am, it makes it easier to get mad when they have bad grades because stupidity is not an excuse.

I am grateful I have good looking kids, because then I would worry even more when they leave the house wearing some of the things they wear... I mean really pants under a dress? People might think we were polygamists if she wasn't so cute!

I am grateful I had as much time with my mother as I did, and that ALL my children got to know her in their own way, I am blessed by all the things she taught me, although I am especially grateful she taught Kris to cook or we all might starve it it depended on me, and I am sure Kris wishes I learned to clean from her a bit better...

I am grateful for all my friends, old and new, current and past, they have all taught me something I remember them for... I wish I was in better touch with some of them though... maybe a party is in order?

I am grateful we live in a good area with good neighbors and good schools which provide good opportunities for my kids.

I am grateful I could go on and on...

I am grateful for a hubby to pry me away from this computer or I would still be typing on it...

I am not so grateful for housework that needs to be done however...

Day 73... grateful

Yin-yang

While I was sick these past couple of days I went through my last few posts on here... my original intent for the blog is falling way short. I wanted it to be a positive place where I could record my progress on my goals, but it has turned into more of a poor me kinda thing. I also noticed that I have only accomplished one of my goals... It has been a long time since I have bitten my nails, in fact they are quite long and pretty at the moment.

So as I was soaking in a warm bath, scrubbing away the grossness you feel after being sick in bed for multiple days, I was trying to think of the good things about all my negative posts... so here they are.

I grip about all the work that needs to be done on my home... but in the difficult economic times I am blessed to be in a home.

I complain about my jobs, but I have 3 jobs that help to provide for my family.

I was complaining about being sick, but overall I am pretty healthy.

I feel busy and pulled in several different directions... but that in itself is a blessing, who wants to be bored all day?

My kids always seem to have something going... but that is just because they are very talented.

I complain about not driving... but I need to take responsibility for that and fix it... I can't think of anything positive about not driving, because I like it and it would simplify lots of my stress...

Day 72... the silver lining

Bad timing all around...

Seriously could my luck get any worse. Had I gotten sick last Thursday I could have gone to the Dr. fine no problem... but my health insurance lapsed... this week. I am quite certain I have strep throat... When I get it it hits HARD. My throat feels swollen like a skinny straw, I ache all over, and go from freezing chills to sweating hot. Luckily one of our family was not to good about taking ALL their antibiotic and so I am hoping I can catch it quick and get it gone.

Next on my list of all around bad luck, I have only ever had to call out of work once... until last week when I could not find anyone to cover so I could get to Parent teacher conferences, so I called out for my second time... and then sick me really needed to call out today... luckily I work with a wonderful manager who I called after trying to get in touch with everyone I could, who said just get better, I am working on it. Thanks!

On to my third bit of misfortune... I was hoping I would be able to cut down on one of my jobs with my husbands job stepping up and covering health care... nope, it is way more expensive than mine so no chance in the near future...

Day 71... unlucky

poison

I have recently discovered that silly saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is more true than I care to admit. My bad day of sulking in bed took an even worse turn of missing my only found ride to work and being stuck home, then instead of at least making it into a productive time at home spent it sleeping in my bed. Then when my girls attempted to talk to me, I freaked out, not just raised my voice, FREAKED out at them. I then missed getting to the last couple teachers I needed to talk to for Brenton's PTC's. Hubby came home and tried to cheer me up... but it kinda backfired. Realizing that I not only have four children to watch over but a hubby who is sick and struggles to take care of himself, as well.

I am still unable to drive, while hubby got me a new car, he sold his leaving us still at a single car... and true I don't have my license yet, but at least having a back-up would have gotten me to work today! I have considered just turning myself in to serve time in jail just to get this whole ordeal over with so I can drive without guilt and risk.

SO the poison I spoke of in my title is myself lately. I feel like I am not only poisoning myself with my self pity and depression, but I am spreading this self loathing to my children, and hubby, and what kind of an example, let alone person am I who goes around poisoning peoples good attitudes with my bitter one?

So I am making a STRONG effort to 1)take my anti-depressant pills (half because the whole one made me think really dark thoughts) 2) Be a productive person in my home... it is depressing coming home to large amounts of garbage to go through to get to a clean livable house. 3) Be a positive person... as best as I can, for my families sake. I am not mentally there for myself yet, so least be there for them the benefits will rub off on me until I can be there for me.

Day 70... antidote

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? I feel like I am barely functioning lately. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I had my Dr. prescribe me more anti-depressants, I can make myself function to get my kids out the door, and get my sorry butt to work, and as best as I can for my hubby when he is around, but I cannot make myself do anything for myself. I get kids and hubby gone, and I try to get going on something productive, and I just crawl back into my bed and hide... until the kids get out of school and I have to function for someone else.

I know I do better when I am busy, but I can't keep busy if I can't get myself where I need to go to stay busy. I hate that this positive blog to encourage me to achieve my goals has turned into a poor me and my battle with depression blog... but I have to say it has helped voicing my frustrations here, especially when I have dark thoughts I wouldn't wish on anyone.

So now I am asking my 2 readers let me know what you do to motivate yourself to get going for the day...

Day 69... poor me

:( (frowny face)

I have had a hard week... my puppy hurt our neighbors cat, and they had to put it down. Because of this, we have had to find a new home for our puppy. We said our goodbyes to him this morning and are hoping they find him a good home at the Humane Society.

Day 68... Sad

Baby you can drive my car...

Here is my confession... I am still on legal driving suspension, however last week hubby rode his motorcycle to work and I got the car, and after 2 days of being able to drive... I am more determined than ever to get back behind the wheel. It was so nice to just go pick up kids, get to work, run to the store. How have I gone so long without that? Well no more. This week I am getting back on the road... I need to, life is just way easier that way.

day 67... on the road again!

LOVE

Can I just say I now have a slightly different view on love. You always hear about love at first sight, or Mr. Right, and sometimes you think what if there is someone else out there... But I am so glad I don't have to ever wonder? I found him 16 years ago. I am so glad I missed the dating scene, the whole getting to know each other thing and just simplified it with marrying my high school sweetheart and starting a family before I was 18... I have heard how we beat the odds, and good for us for making it this far but really I think considering we had it kinda easy, we got to grow up together and learn lots of life's lesson together, instead of getting to know each other and stuff. And can I just say how I LOVE to simply just BE with my hubby? I think my favourite part of the weekend was spent laying in each others arms and holding each other close.

Day 66... love

PRAY

My PRAY was a little more self reflection and analyzing where we are at in our marriage and family. While sometimes I think it would be fun to have another little one, it is so nice to have all my kids growing up... and a little scary too. But I am confident in how we have raised them, they are overall pretty good kids and I am so proud of them. My marriage is in good shape, I love him tons, and while sometimes we have different opinions, or forget that the other can be totally indecisive, we still balance each other out pretty good. We are doing what we can, which is the best anyone can hope for right? I know I need to make more of an effort to get back to church more often, and with my schedule changing a little at my bene job, that should be easier to accomplish.

Day 65... reflect

EAT

So this weekend is my last pig out weekend for a while. I am really feeling out of shape and bleh... so I enjoyed my weekend splurging on all that yummy food that is so NOT good for you. Yummy salmon pesto with fettuccine Alfredo yummy buttery garlic potatoes, pizza, chips, Teriyaki chicken, fried rice, chocolate, cake, licorice, you name it we pigged out on it. Tonight we are going out for dinner and then tomorrow my diet officially begins. The paln is to start weight watchers again, because my theory is if you are paying for it it will guilt me into following it, right? So if there is anyone who would like to join with me I would LOVE the company and encourage ment... it always helps to have someone to go through it with you. Also I am going to start running in the mornings with my sweet son.

Day 64... yummy

Eat, Pray, Love

So I have to confess... I have NO desire to see this movie, nor to I particularly care to see the book. The gist of it is about a women who leaves her husband to find herself... So with it being my 16th wedding anniversary, i decided since we sent the kids away and it would be just my hubby and I, I would find myself... with him. Sound a little confusing? Not really. I have grown up with this man, had four babies with him, and have gone through job loss, parent loss, and several other major life changing events. So when I had high hopes about our long weekend together I quickly remembered after a short time who I am married too, and decided that regardless of my desires I know this man so well, he is a homebody and loves to sty in and close to home, and I would have a wonderful weekend just knowing I could spend it all with him. I found that regardless of my expectations, I have to be flexible for both of us. I love this man....

We spent the weekend eating my favourite food (Italian) and his, (Japanese) in our own B&B room. We watched movies and simply enjoyed each others company. Isn't that what finding yourself is all about? LOVE?!?!?

Day 63... LOVE

A bad Wife...

I am the first to admit I have an awful stubborn streak, as a child I was the last to leave the dinner table because I was the picky eater who wouldn't eat, finally excused to go to bed because my stubbornness won out my parents. Now a days I see that stubborn child rear her ugly head on occasion... my poor hubby the victim. I have never been the best house keeper, and I probably never will be, however I like my rooms cleaned a certain way, and my hubby knows it... so he asks me to do it. And that is where the stubbornness comes in. I don't like being told what to do, never have. Refused to read books in school I was TOLD to read, I would fake my way through the assignments, and then when I wanted to read it I would. (My now all time favourite book is one I was told to read in class, and didn't until AFTER the final test on it, and it sounded pretty good). So My hubby has nicely asked me, begged me, pleaded with me to clean our bedroom... and it is not a disaster area or anything, it is just where everyone kinda converges... so everything piles up. Today I don't work until 4 o'clock, and yet I am here online writing about it rather than simply getting it done. It is even coming up on my anniversary, and I find myself talking myself into doing it. Why can't I just do it? I know it is that stubborn streak in me. So as soon as I finish writing this, I am going to get up and clean this room and impress my sweet hubby who is always at work lately it seems to provide for us... did I mention he got me a GREAT car? So why can't I just clean up for him?

Day 62... clean room vs. stubborn me

Wasted days...

I hate being sick! I started last week with ALL the kids back in school and two complete days off work, ALL work. Sunday I had big plans for those quiet days... but my body had other plans. Sunday when I got up, I felt kinda bleh, not awful, but not great. Monday, I didn't feel good at all, but I got what I needed to done, and worked with a smile on my face. Tuesday, my first full day off, I was miserable. I felt so gross I got kids gone and curled up in bed. Wednesday I still felt awful, but I had a job to do... so I made do. Thursday I finally felt like I was on the way back to good health, but still drained, thus day 2 off spent sleeping. Friday back to work feeling better, Saturday work again, a little exhausted after working, and being sick. Today I am still fighting this nasty sinus infection and my nose feels like I have been blowing it with sand paper, but I have much more energy. So this next week I don't have any week days totally off to catch up on house keeping, but I have ALL weekend off for our 16th anniversary Monday. So my plan is to clean the house good all week so we have a very enjoyable stress free party weekend... no definite plans, but plenty of ideas!

day 61... sick of being sick

Normal Life...

Once upon a time I had a normal life. I had 4 children who woke up each day with their father, and we prayed together. Then they would all get ready for work and school. We would then go to our designated jobs, or school... and I would drive my children. We would do our jobs, I would come home and make certain my home was still pretty clean. I would pay the bills and then if there was a little extra go shopping. I would pick up the children and we would go to Dance, My job their extra curricular activity. I would go to school and get my homework done while the children did their home work. On weekends while I would teach, and hubby would play with kids a cleaning lady would come and do the deep cleaning of our home. Hubby and I would get a babysitter to watch children and fix them dinner while we had a nice date night.

So what happened to that life I once led?

The mean ol' judge said my license is suspended and I owe a big fine, we all go to school and work at totally different hours, The kids have lots more homework, and way more activities to keep track of. School is holding my transcripts ransom til I pay the financial aid back they mistakenly gave me, and there is so much work that needs to be done on our home, and little time to complete it...

So that is now my norm... so what exactly is a normal life again?

Day 60... Life

Motivation

I have had the laziest, non productive day today. I cannot seem to get myself moving. Why you ask? I don't know! I have been trying to pep talk myself and get going all day. I even planned a girl's night here for Thursday. You would think that would be motivating, I have no kids here at the moment either, But nope not motivating. I slept in til 10, and then just laid in bed til 11. I got up, got dressed, and checked a few things online. I started in the kitchen, then came in and watched a movie. I really hate this feeling, and I am really trying to do stuff, I just keep finding excuses not too, and they are so damn convincing for some reason. So I am finishing this post and going to try once again to clean up in the kitchen, or anywhere for that matter.

Day 59... UGH

Ever feel like there is too much to get done?

I DO! I think I feel overwhelmed everyday by the amount of things I need to get accomplished. There is kids homework to supervise, work, cleaning, finishing up house projects so we live in a nice home. Laundry, cook dinner, sort papers, pay bills, and then there is all that creative stuff that you feel a pull to accomplish, but it seems secondary to everything else so it gets pushed aside.

With this being how I felt when I awoke today (and after a bad day at work yesterday where I came home and cried in bed and slept for a couple hours) and then finding I am not needed this morning because of low enrollment, I decided I needed to be better at time management, (this term came from my son's new VP after he refused to listen to me, who knows her son much better than he does... can you tell I am still upset about this?) I need to plan to accomplish the important things first, i.e. make appointments, make phone calls, get the scheduling done first so that I can feel I have accomplished something and so I can then plan my schedules around those.

Second I need to prioritize cleaning and remodeling schedules. Yes I need to remodel the kitchen, but that is not going to happen before it needs to be cleaned, no matter how much I wish it would. Also no matter how much I want to move downstairs it won't happen until other rooms can be completed, so I need to make my room pleasant to live in.

I can't quit work (although there are days I would like to) so I need to plan around it. I can't just figure my day gets interrupted by my job so there is no point trying to get something done, I need to plan to accomplish something I can do in the time frame I have around my jobs.

I also need to make it a priority to exercise. It needs to be on my schedule so I fill the need to accomplish it, just wanting it is not going to make the fat sticking to my body disappear.

And finally, I need to set aside a time, at least weekly to release my creativity. If it works to accomplish finishing a room in my house that is fine, but until then I can create simple projects to fulfill that desire.

So this is BIG advice to myself, and I am not good at taking advice, I am really stubborn and hate to feel like someone knows better than me, but I need to make this change so I can be happier with myself. (hopefully I can take my own advice... I feel like Alice in Wonderland "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it")I had a great day on Friday, I was happy, my hubby came home and was happy with me. I need to make that and everyday thing, not just an occasional thing, who would want to be married to that, never knowing whether she was nice or not?

Also this means I need to cut down drastically on my obsession... the internet. I LOVE this invention! I love connecting with distant friends, I love reading up on their blogs and comparing how we feel, I love that my kids can get their homework done on this, I love playing my nerdy games on here, I love learning how to do something new on here, however I need to cut my time spend on it drastically, so I am going to try to schedule time for this as well...

Day 57... scheduling issues

(If you read through this whole thing, you must really love me... or have no life like I do! either way thanks)

What I have learned from my job...

I have learned people are rude, and filthy, they have little or no class and they don't know how to clean up after themselves nor their children. The ones who come in planning on getting stuff for nothing are the worst, the ones who are pleasantly surprised by a good deal are appreciative and polite. You have to learn to deal with ALL kinds, obnoxious self centered immature teenagers, bratty spoiled children, parents who cater to their children, Those who think they are better than you, and treat you as such. I have a whole new respect for those doing what they must to provide for their families, and themselves. I try my best to always keep a smile on my face and be a pleasant person for those I meet, however somedays it is really tough. Now I am truly grateful for the opportunity for this job, and I love people I work with, but I am really getting worn out working this much. That is all, had to grip a little...

day 57... work

I want...

This is what I want, and it is my blog so I can whine if I want to!

I want to drive, in my own car.
I want an iPad so I can set up my playlists for work, and have it available for my kids to have internet access for homework anywhere.
I want a new phone, one that will hold a charge and not shut off randomly, and will work with all the features on my plan.
I want a clean house, I want my kids to get that they have chores and they need to do them, so I don't have a messy house.
I want my house finished, I am willing to do it all myself, I am smart I can learn, I just need the time and money to get it done.
I want to finish school, I want to be able to qualify on paper with a degree for teaching jobs I am qualified for now.
I want to be able to not fight with my husband on a daily basis, about stupid things I know I am wrong about but too stubborn to admit.
I want to be skinny again, not my pre teenage prego skinny, but where I feel like me again skinny.
I want to have more energy and will power, energy to exercise like I should, and will power to not eat what I shouldn't.
I want cable, I shut it down to save money, but I want tv again, for thoughtless hours of entertainment.
I want my kids to worry about their own grades, I am tired of worrying enough for the both of us.
I want to quit my other job, it is hard going there when I only make a third of what I do at my other job, but benefits are a must.
I want to not be in this place mentally, but I am feeling kinda lost lately.
I want my mom. I want her here to talk to and to fix everything like she used to.


There is lots more I want to add to this list, but I think mostly I wanted a good cry, and writing this out gave it to me...
at least I got one of the things I want.

Day 56... A good cry

TODAY! (well 10 days)

So with enrollment down, and I am not scheduled to work today, I have the day free to clean... and I am determined to do just that. Now I know I say that a lot on here, but today I really mean it. Why you ask? Because one of my more messy children is leaving for 10 days today (and yes I am so going to miss my little superhero, but he will have fun with his grandparents) So my goals is to have a nice newly decorated room for my little tyke and his bro. It will take help from his big bro and sisters, but how cool will that be coming home to a new room? Also I am finish my laundry and going back to my system that worked. (wanna know what that is? Check my other blog, when I finish setting it up, I will take pics and show ya'll)

So there it is my new motivation.

Day 55... a new room

Sigh...

Here it is my last day off my main job(s), and I am having really mixed emotions. I miss having the schedule, and know where and when I have to be somewhere, but still not driving and having to rely on everyone is a little frustrating. With that I have taken a few steps to get back there, but I have only just gotten going on that. And with not being able to drive, It will be hard to find large chunks of time to get that done.

I have was kinda good over the summer, and took a few kickboxing classes, which was fun, but a little too sporadic to be effective, but I went for a good run yesterday, okay more of a quick paced walk, and that felt wonderful... if only I can keep it up. I had been eating good, and then hubby took a little time off, and I ate what he did, which was NOT the healthy salads and sandwiches I had planned. But I am renewed to my eating good challenge again (except hubby wanted a cake made that is calling me from the kitchen, hence the gum in my mouth at 7am.)

As far as my clean house goal, I have got 2 rooms of my house SPOTLESS. Now there is still more finishing up stuff that needs to be done to them, floorboards and such, but they look awesome. I KNOW what I am doing in the rest of the house, which is big, and now I just need time and motivation to get going on it. (and money, let's not forget $)

So I am going to get dressed, and go run... not far and not long, but begin to work my way back up to daily running and being fit. I am going to eat healthy. I am going to clean house. and I am going to do these things with a smile on my face!

Day 54... SMILE

Yeah Me!

After a crazy weekend I feel I have recovered well. I got the dining room painted and I the floor in it laid down. I now need paint and backing to finish up a couple more projects in there. I am then working on my rooms, I want to get our room settled downstairs and the kids decorated and settled in theirs. I got kids Dr.s app.'s handled and hubby even got some much needed rest.

I have even had time for some self reflection. There is always room for improvement in ones life... as this blog CLEARLY shows... and after a long weekend of ups and downs, I am hoping to end this week on a big high. Getting cleaning done and finishing up loose ends in my life.

Day 53... still going...

Depressed

So most of my close friends know I am prone to depression, especially when I have no where I HAVE to go and nothing I have to do. Now as we approach my vacation from dance and preschool, I can already feel myself slipping into that hole. I am making an appointment now for my happy pill pick me up, and I am trying to plan a party of some sort at my house to give a deadline to have it clean by. My kids are older now and are very self sufficient, so it is easy to justify staying in bed all day when they can take care of themselves. I am not on here for a poor me post. However I finally got out of bed and showered at 1:30 after just laying there in bed for so long.

I hate when I become that person. I even find myself embarrassed by it and try to hide I am slipping by putting on make-up and overdoing the dressing up thing. I think if I don't look like a depressed person I won't be called out on it, because when I am called out on it, I simply break down and cry... and I am a big enough boob already, I don't need to feel like I am showing yet more of my weaknesses.

So on to why I am bothering to post this on here. I need help. I am getting my prescription refilled, but I need to also get out of my house on occasion. Not being able to drive does NOT help that. So friends and loved ones... if you want to get out once in a while and want some company, would you give me a call?

I am just grateful that I can finally recognize when I am slipping, while I can't quite seem to just snap myself out of it when I feel it occurring, I have gotten to where I can see where I start slipping and try to catch myself before I get too deep. This has been going on since I was about 10 years old, so it has taken my a long time to get here, but I am grateful I have gotten to this point. And especially grateful I have friends I can count on to help.

Day 52... Thanks

Lame sauce

I have been pretty flaky on my blogs as of lately. You would think with it being summer I would be much more caught up with it, but nope. I think I have got too much stress going on, and this is too low on my priority list to keep up on it. I have too many stresses that as much as I enjoy simply writing, my posts turn into venting or worse... deleted letters to whom I am most upset with. (That is how I have coped for years, no one is hurt, and I get my feelings out) But I have been going to kickboxing once a week with a good friend, and I always feel amazing after... I can't wait til I can drive on my own and go when ever I want! I have managed to continue to NOT bite my nails despite the fact that I am no longer allowed to wear nail polish at work. My diet however has been worse than ever, junk food city here... I am so stressed I revert to my bad eating habits... not eat all day, then at night when I realize I am hungry eat way to much of something not at all healthy... like cookies or brownies. My house keeping has been mediocre at best. I have tried to get lots of deep cleaning done, but that seems to create more mess, and where I think I get to a point I can take a break or have to go to work, I come home and it is worse. WOW look at the size of this post, sorry to babble...

Here is the lamesauce part of the post... Why can I not go for any period of time with reasonable stress... why is it my life seems to be sooo complicated. I am sure it is much simpler than others stress... but I am really tired of it.

Day 52... tired

Sooo...

It is probable a good thing I did not have internet access for the last couple days... or this post would be seething with anger and venom... as it is, I am still a little unhappy, but NOTHING like the last couple days...

That being said here is my goal for the day (and YES I did finally get the dining room painted, finishing up the second coat today) I am going to be pleasant. Simple right? I am going to make my messy house pleasant... no whopping clean-ups, no major organizing, just pleasant to be in. Now don'['t get me wrong, I am still planning on my major overhaul, but I cannot bite off a big project and leave everyone else to suffer because I have to go to work. I think if I get it pleasant, I can then move from room to room accomplishing the major tasks without my hubby being frustrated by what seems to be neglected.

Day 51... Pleasantville

Specific Goal

I am posting exactly what I hope to accomplish today on here... we will see if I can get it done. It is currently 10:30am, I am posting this and a couple of other things online quickly then I am going to paint my dining room, and clean up in the basement room where we are carpeting. And I am going to encourage my son to finish up some homework. I am also going to go running and eat healthy... I will post on my progress before I go to bed... we will see if this works!

Day 50...Part 1

SO I went to paint the Dining room, and my hubby took the rollers and the paint brushes to work. I went down to clean up and the girls had gotten into some of the stuff, and spread it ALL out, so I told them to get it done.l Brenton got all his of one class done and is close to finishing another, my plan to walk to work fizzled because my sweet friend told me it is too hot to walk so I am going running after I post this, I ate pretty healthy except for the sno-cone and the choco marshmellow I ate at work. So not awful, but not good, right?

Day 50... Part 2

Goal... Make GOOD use of time off

So I have finished my busy time of year (and I am waiting up so I can change over some much needed laundry for hubby... that is how behind I am) and I am looking forward to my time off... however I do not want to waste it like I find myself doing so often, so I am going to post some things I hope to really get DONE.

1) clean and organize my house, this may seem like a biggie, but I think once this on is tackled the rest of my house will become easier to keep clean.

2) teach the kiddos to keep up on their chores do... teach by example right?

3) use this blog as my motivator, post what I find that works and what doesn't. So far my favorite is my color coded dry erase board with kids schedules and plans on it... it has saved me many a time, the key is to put it on as soon as you can, that keeps the clutter of invites down. in case i need the details, I keep the original clipped on with a magnet.

My goal for tomorrow is to clean my room... and get my room downstairs empty so I can lay the carpet and move into it. It will be much more roomy, and cooler... I can't sleep if I am too hot. I am also planning on finishing up laying the laminate floor upstairs, and hopefully finding my linoleum for the kitchen and bathrooms.

Day 48... wish me luck

New Name?

I think this blog is kinda turning into a poor me... or at the very least, how pathetic I am with out transportation other then the 2 legs god gave me. I am finding it more and more frustrating that I cannot jump in my car and go to the places I need to be, go the the store... GRRR...

But I liked my friends amber's goal of being a happier more up beat person. SO I am going to be sure to post one positive thing I have done or am doing instead of just the little pity party that seems to be going on here now?

So I have been good at posting on my blog... I am almost done repairing costumes, and I WILL get the house clean next week while I am off work!

Day 47... I WILL

(oh yeah, and if you ever pay any attention to my little rantings on here, feel free to follow... I like followers, it makes me feel kinda important)

Slow Down...

Last week started out stressful and busy, however I managed to eat good, but the end of the week, which was suppose to be more relaxing, I ate garbage. This week is starting out easier, and will end with more stress, but I am already making excuses for eating badly. I need to go shopping for the month and get all my healthy food stocked up so I can;t stray too far from my menu.

This week I need to get something together for my hubby for Father's day, he always gets forgotten since father's day usually lands on the day before the recital. I need to finish getting ready for recital, repairing costumes making certain my kids have everything, packing snacks for everyone to eat, getting myself ready, planning how to get there, etc.

Also I somehow managed to have about 3 weeks off from my third job. I am hoping after that break I will be ready to return and excited about it like I was when I started... and not ready to be done with it and quit realizing how much I like my off time... well I won't be quitting... 4 kids and their teeth need it!

Day 46... the list goes on and on and on

My Arch Enemy...

So I have had a really good week... as far as sticking to my diet... until yesterday. I have been eating less portions, even when Hubby and I went out to eat, I have tracked what I have eaten, even made cookies that fit into my plan... So where did I go wrong you ask?

Well it was Thursday, the day my sister and I usually go out to eat, which was fine... Costa Vida Burrito, which I only ate 1/3 of, and it wasn't even smothered. Then she wanted some cakebites from THE SWEET TOOTH FAIRY dun dun dun... (picture evil music)

So I had to sample all the cakebites she got, and I had to get something or two to sample as well... and that there just set my day in a tailspin. I was trying to make up for it by being good at night, but my cute little guy helped make dinner and was the waiter. Gave me the menu, sausage with pierogies (a yummy pasta stuffed with potatoes and cheese) and a side of cheesy tater tots. Can you say HELLO CARBS ? Well I couldn't hurt his feelings and so I "ordered" them (it was the only thing on the menu) and I think he gave me the Dad size portion. So then he brings our dessert, MASSIVE bowls full of ice cream, I tell him sir I didn't order this. His reply, "YOU EAT WHAT YOU GET" needless to say his tip shrunk.

So here I go starting again today motivated to get back to doing good... oh and did I mention that on our crazy picture day my sweet hubby brought me Diet coke, and I have really been trying to cut down, so he brought me a case on Tuesday night, and I have only had 2? I am proud of myself... (I know it is small but that is big for me, especially when I am dieting too)

Day 45... ups and downs

YEAH ME

So Day one of trying hard to eat right and follow weight watchers has gone really good (of course I am in the process of making krispy treats) but I did it... kept to my points and eat pretty healthy, I even got in a peice of Dark chocolate, because it really is good for you... so hopefully I can be good again tomorrow!

day 44... good eats

An anniversary

A little over a year ago was the last time I drove... I mean really drove (I have moved a car in a parking lot or pulled around a circle). I was in my accident and my license was Suspended until I pay the ridiculous fines. It was quite a trying year, always relying on other people to get me to work, go to the store get things I need... you would think with all the walking I have had to do I would have lost more weight!

I AM NOT GOING THROUGH ANOTHER YEAR WITH KIDS LIKE THAT AGAIN!

So I am working my butt off, after recital i am taking on all the hours I can with other jobs, My hubby is working hard and getting good paychecks, I am going to do what it takes to be driving by the time kids are back in school!!! So if you wanna donate to my cause let me know, I am thinking a fund raiser is in order... just not sure what or how to go about it...

Day 43... not driving still

Old Habits...

Well a few months ago I posted how good I was doing on not biting my nails... well I got into a good book and finished a chapter. I scratched my back and realized I had bit them ALL off. Well I stopped for a few months, I can stop again right? Wish me luck, again.

Day 42... crap

Overworked...

So I was at my third job tonight thinking how unlucky it was that I am off ALL weekend with my two major jobs, but stuck working EVERY night with my bene job(I did however take the last shift to help a friend). Then I got wondering whether or not it is truly worth it. To be away from my family more, to feel like I neglect my house, to always feel tired and overworked, to have NO time for my hobbies and things I like to do to relax. But I love my friends I have made their in the short time, I love knowing I have benefits available to me no matter what... then I get stuck. What other reason is there for me to be working so often? How am I going to even fit it in when I go back to school? So I am really struggling with going to work each day... I am sticking it out for now, and through the summer... but I am not sure it will be worth it past that. So Please give me your opinions if you see this, I am really torn on the subject. (With hubby's job he has health benefits, but not dental, so right now I am working 12 hour minimum weeks for dental benefits)

day 41... torn

Fat, Fat, Fat

So this weekend I weighed myself, (I usually avoid this finding it really depressing), I am the HEAVIEST I have ever been in my life , except maybe the last month of my pregnancies. So I HAVE to do something about this. This post is asking friends and family who read this to ask me how it is going and encourage me to keep up on watching what I eat. and exercising. PLEASE help me. I am getting depressed from this and I am eating my stress instead of exercising to alleviate it. If there is someone who wants to run with me, or would want to join weight watchers with me (It was a little pricing, but it really worked, I lost 20 plus pounds on it, and I felt obligated to follow it because I had to pay... but I have the info if someone wants to follow it with me, we can encourage each other)

So that being said I am going to go clean up and plan on a run... maybe that will help my headaches too!

Day 40... Fatty Me

Love of my Life...

So this is to clear up my little blow up the other night at my significant other. Yes he pissed me off (hurt my feelings) but he at least owned it, said he was ornery and had to go to bed. But he also made up for it last night, took kids fishing so I could go scrapbook with my sister all night! and today after having a "discussion" and realized we are both stressed and neither of us like to have it pointed out when we bring it home... but where else are we suppose to express that I ask?

So I am really making an effort for the rest of this month and next (since it is my busiest time of year) to not bring home the grouchy me and to do my best to be pleasant at home... I think not only will it help my hubby, but my kids too, and of course me right... after all if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy right?

Day 39... be happy

Grouchy...

So when did it get to where I am expected to be smiling and pleasant at every waking moment while I am at home? If I have had a long tiring day do I really have to smile? I swear it is still the new millenium and the early edition Good Housekeeping Mags are a way of the past (i.e. freshen your make-up for your hubby, make sure kids are clean, have dinner waiting for him rub his feet right away, etc.) Why is he allowed to be grouchy after a long day of work, and I am expected to be happy and smile while I do the dishes at 10:00 at night that the kids neglected to do. Why should I have to show a false emotion on my face in the comfort of my own home... If I am feeling grouchy and tired where does he expect me to show it, hidden in the bathroom? I love you honey but if you expect me to be the perky happy teenage girl you feel in love with 15 plus years ago, you are SHIT out of luck! We are married I work my ass off we have 4 tiring kids, and if at the end of the day I want to frown while doing their dishes so be it... if you have a problem with that then I expect the same. No telling me you don't want to talk about your long day, no being short with me because you are tired and I expect a smile on your face the whole time I am explaining why I had a long day.

Day 38... :(

Starting again...

So I think I have finally realized that if I want to accomplish any of my goals, my clean house, losing weight, getting back in shape, getting organized etc. It is going to be like starting fresh everyday. Whether the previous day was good or bad, it is going to be a fresh start each day.

With that in mind I have planned my menu for tomorrow... including snacks so that I can really make a good effort to lose this excess weight I complain about. Also I have packed a workout bag to keep with me so I can walk where I need, which will help lose weight and hopefully get me into shape.

Lastly as I am slowly completing rooms/projects in the house I decided my pathetic little "Helps" on house keeping, and cleaning, and organizing etc. (which really only helped me remember that I have been that way before and CAN get that way again)will be added to this page, as a record of what I accomplish and what works for me... then there may be a reason for friends to read this too, if any of this helps you...

Day 37... tomorrow's a new day (Thank goodness)

I ROCK!

Okay so I started strong again, I went to the gym and ran for 30 min... til hubby came early... then I wanted a slurpee (i even got sugar free) so I walked down to 7-11. yeah go me! So I think I am going to try tomorrow to keep up with the wlak and run, and also I am going to give WW's a another sincere try, after all I know it worked, I ate better and lost weight... so some words of encouragement would be nice... plus lots of fat free... low sugar foods.

day 36... a new start!

Some good, some bad

I am rocking the house clean-up... thanks to the in-laws coming for a visit... any motivation helps right? We re did the floor in the living room and entryway, and are going to finish it through the dining room and hall ways. I have gotten a good start on sorting out the basement... still more to go, but it is a start. The outside looks great too... but that is hubby's job, not mine.

Not so good... I am FAT... none of my clothes fit, and I feel like I am eating nothing but crap, and none of my clothes look flattering. I need to get to the gym, and I need to eat better... I start good one day, then not at all the next.

AHHH so if anyone wants to poke me and tell me to eat right go right ahead...

Day 35... ups and downs

Motivation...

I went running ONCE last week, and it felt sooo great. So why can't I make my self run everyday? I looked so awesome and wore so many cite clothes when I had followed weight watchers regularly so I can't I just watch what I eat? I think there are a couple things... 1 I lack motivation... so I read an article about my favorite person in the world (besides my family and friends of course) GWEN... she said her motivation was clothes to work out and stay in shape, she said it is no fun to design something you can't wear... and who would want to miss out on that? So I have hung up a couple of my favorite outfits around my room that I want to get back into, and a couple pictures of ones I want to buy to help me.

I think my other lack of motivation is I get distracted by this device I am playing on now. SO I have told myself I cannot play on it until I have ran... (just thought of this after I started this... so it will start to morrow)

My other problem is I need to focus on cleaning the house... I need to get it organized and make it my happy place, not somewhere I just want to curl up and hide, and eat. I am going to try to get one room finished a week... that may sound like I am taking on a lot, but I am trying to get it repainted and everything in that week... for the BIG rooms I will give me a month.

(I am still trying to NOT start every sentence with "so" and I am SOOO glad there is a delete button... I know I am still using it a lot mid sentence, but I will master that next.)

Day 34... SOOO

UPDATE

So (I think I start every post with so... maybe I should get a new word) I blew off cleaning again, it will be much to my hubby's dismay, but I had so much fun getting with friends from work. I love getting to know them outside of work, and what a great bunch of ladies I work with!

Being a procrastinator (it was hard NOT starting that paragraph with so) I put off house cleaning yet another day... however I am going to paint the dining room tonight which will be sooo nice, after I make a huge push to finish my bedroom...

One room at a time right? I will start with my dining room and go from there, but it was soo fun it was well worth it!

Day 33... procrastination

Yuck!!!

So my big plans of spring cleaning while I was off have come down to one last day to cram... which really stinks because I had two invites to hang out with friends and family to do something FUN... but I felt I needed to turn them down to accomplish something in the housekeeping department... I just cannot motivate me to do this at all, I think it is truly just too overwhelming. SO I need advice, help anything motivating to convince me to get this done, so I don't miss out on precious time that could be better spent with friends and family!

Day 32... missing out on life to clean house...

Reading...

So reading is both good for me and bad... I get so caught up in what I am reading the rest of my life kinda goes to pot... but I love getting into a good book. So I figured since I wanted to improve myself on this blog and practice my writing, I would move my books I am reading and have read to this blog, since it is not my personal info, and then more people can comment on what I am reading so we can compare notes... I love discussing books too. So here it is, my newest blog feature... my library!

Day 31... my library

Skipped a day

So did you notice how I skipped my fourth day of my break that I was suppose to be cleaning? Well I skipped doing it as well as writing it... today I am getting ready for the Easter bunny to come, and prepping myself for the last 2 days I have off in which I hope miraculous cleaning will occur? Any bets?

Day 30... bring it on!

Spring Clean day 3...

So day three was as uneventful as the first 2, we went from our girls sleep over to the boys April fools party, with only a few minutes in between to tidy up. My kitchen and living room are still pretty good... I will finish up the upstairs tomorrow and Saturday... since I will lose a couple kiddos tomorrow. We did ave a fun April fool's day though... and I think I made it a fun weekend for my cute nieces and nephews... next week we are going to do something fun with my other 2 nephews... So tomorrow is another day, and a fresh start!

Day 29... I am a fool thinking I could get sooo much accomplished...

Spring cleaning attempt #2

so day one kind of fizzled on me, I went to work and then we got an old favorite move of mine from the video store... To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar... so after work I came home and relaxed and watched a movie.

So nothing yet accomplished I awoke today determined to get more done... so far I had a nice warm shower, watched too of my cute nephews, one of which cuddled with me and fell asleep in my arms, and I started in my kitchen... the stovetop is clean. So my present goal is to finish the kitchen and the living room, and turn the living room into a movie night since I have my nieces coming for a girls night sleepover... I need to be the fun aunt once in a while. Hopefully my girls will keep them a little busy and I can get a little more cleaning and organizing done.

Day 28... Spring clean day 2 attempt 2

Spring cleaning day 1...

Well my spring cleaning started with me getting called into work to help a friend, and then spilling diet coke on my computer desk... which is not very tidy, so after cleaning tat up and cleaning myself up for work later today, and decided to sit and type out my plans so I can hopefully follow them.

I am going to tidy up my room... no deep clean because I hope to move it to the basement this week... but tidy it to keep hubby happy. Next I want to finish getting the food storage closet set up in order so I can get the rest of that storage area organized and make room for my artsy fartsy stuff. I know that is alot for today, especially since I am now working this evening... but I think I can get a BIG start on it...

Day 27... spring clean day 1

Deep Thoughts

So I had a lot of break time in between jobs, and closing alone last night... and my thoughts even carried into my sleep. So I am working my A$$ off literally with 3 jobs, I love teaching Dance, I love working with my best friends teaching preschool, and I LOVE having benefits guaranteed for my family, and my new friends there at IKEA... however, admit organizing rides and who is with who and who goes where with my kids, I feel like I am really missing out on time with them. But I also realize a large part of this is due to the fact that I cannot drive... which then contributes to my hubby's frustration with it all... seeing he is the one who not only drives all over town for his job, but then has to chauffeur me to and from work, nd then on top of that face my rath if the kids do not get to where they need to be. In short, I am frustrated because with everywhere My family and I needs to be, I cannot take them... it is part because of this I am working several jobs... So is it worth it?

I see I need to work lots at least until I can legally drive again (see previous entry regarding fundraiser)... but are my children suffering because I am not around? If I am not working I get even more frustrated with my lack of driving because I cannot get them where they need to be... HELP... I really would love SOME feedback or advice here!

Day 26... HELP

La la Land?

So I was on my way to work at one of my 3 jobs and saying something about the policy of clocking in and late, and all the recent tightening of the policies since my short time being there... and my hubby said to me welcome to the real world. So my question is am I really so spoiled in the only other jobs I have had, that I am in Lala Land? I know I have had a rather privileged life as far as work has been concerned, I teach the one thing I have been passionate about since I was little Dance... who else can say they have such an ideal job? But am I so out of it and spoiled that when I have a job in which I have to go through the protocol of managers, and worry about being late or too many sick days as a job security issue it is a wake up call? Now I am not saying that there is anything bad in that... just that I am not accustomed to it. So I ask you, am I in Lala Land?

So with that being said... I am so much more grateful that I do have I job I adore, doing what I truly love. I am also so grateful I have a great job with benefits available to me for my families health sake, and I love the friends I have made there, and think of them as great friends. I am also so glad I work with my best friend, teaching young children. She has been like an older sister to me. I think that is one of greatest blessings of all, I could have the worst morning, even there at preschool, and one child will say or do something that just makes you smile, what other job guarantees a smile a day?

So no goal here today, just a little thoughtful blogging, and realizing how grateful I am for the great jobs I have... even if I gripe about them on occassion.

Day 25... Grateful for jobs

Spread the Love

So t work tonight I had a rather funny group of people come through the line. They asked if they could give me a hug... They wanted to spread the love, and I got to thinking... Do I make an effort to "spread the love" I know I get a little grouchy after a long day at work, thinking it should be my place to vent a little, but is that really fair to do to my husband, especially after he has worked all day too, (not to mention chauffeuring myself and our children around) . So my goal for the next little while, and hopeful for much longer... to "Spread the love" Not grip about work wen I get home, not be grouchy, spend time and enjoy his company.

I try to be happy at my jobs, I work with children, you have to be happy... and at Ikea, It is miserable to stand there if you don't try to have a good attitude, so why do I think it is okay to be grouchy at home...

Day 24... Spread the Love

So Yeah Me!

So I have wanted to participate in one of these cool challenges I see on different crafty blogs... but never get to them... I did it. I finally made it and did one... Now I may not be able to qualify, since I was late... But I did do it.

Not only that, but I am getting a few followers... now please don't let me scare any of you away... but remember this is MY blog, not my families, not my work, ME... so I say random things, I make no sense, and I LOVE it. I vent here, I joke here, I try to make myself sound very useful, and knowledgeable here, knowing fully that I am full of it...

You may have also noticed that I have 2 open and 1 private blog... feel free to view comment play or stock my open blogs...but if you want to view my family blog... email me and I will add you.

So know that I feel all preachy and important... on to my next goal... I got my St. Patty's decorations out a day late, however I am still early for Easter, so tomorrow I will be decorating my house for spring... and mentally preparing myself for a week with work off and kids home, and Spring cleaning to begin... the dump day is coming up and I am ready to DUMP!

Wish me luck

Day 23... Preparing for DUMP DAY (aka Spring cleaning)

A forgotten Goal

So here is a goal I am always kinda working towards... but I have never really spoken it. Scrapbooks... I really want to get my kids scrapbooks done. and mine too. I have all my pictures sitting in a huge bucket, with a large bag of undeveloped film. There are also several files on various computers and even little chips floating around filled with pics too. I like to talk big, but in reality I am not so great at scrap booking. Now don't get me wrong, I do have my creative side, I think my scrapbook with blank pages ready to add pictures is bigger than my book with all the pictures. I am really quite decent at making and even designing pages... But I realized I am needing to get this done when Clay came home and needed a poster with baby pics, and I didn't know where to start to look.

So I think this goes with the whole goal thing, especially if I plan on getting my crafty blog going, right.

Day 22... Scrap booking

Will power...less

So I have all but accepted the fact that I have NO will power what so ever. In fact it is probably a good thing I don't have any serious addictions or I would really be in trouble (Internet, diet coke and chocolate aren't serious addictions right?)So I ask you, how do I improve my will power, and strength? Especially when I have sweet people all around me thinking of me... i.e. "Here mom I got you a diet coke..." " Hey I picked up some mini eggs, I know you like them..." "Hey here is some quiet time, I will take all the kids so you can have the computer to yourself..."

At least my dog is not an abler He knows I have to get off my butt and go run with him at night, and he will whine and harass me until I do... or at least until I get tired of hearing him and lock him in the bedroom...

So I ask, AGAIN, How can I motivate my lazy butt and be strong and resist temptations like chocolate and coke which in the long run I regret, because I am feeling rather FAT at the moment, not to mention weak...

Day 21... powerless...

Big goal bumped up in importance level...

So... as the 2 of you people who read this may or may not know, I am not allowed to drive. I do not have a current license, as i have some kinda hefty fines in Sandy city. I will take the blame for some of it, but for the most part, Sandy was kinda harsh and expected a bit much... but anyway the goal part. (If you are truly that desperate and dying to know the dirty details... tough... unless you catch me on a lose lips day)

So goal numero uno... go through and find ALL necessary paper work to put this nasty thing behind me... it may take a week of nose to the grind organizing, but I can do that right?

And goal 2... find a way to earn the funds... and fast! Any idears?

Day 20... need my driving rights back!

New Plan of Action...

So here is my strategy for tackling my mess... a little at a time. Sure it sounds simple and easy but not really. I am starting in a closet, and working my way out. So I am reorganizing our food storage closet. Sure easy place to start... you would think so, but we have lots of storage, and it is getting hard to cycle through because we cannot find what each can is. So I will think we are out of Oatmeal and pick up some, but NO I found a whole box of oatmeal just now cleaning it out.

Next I am tackling my other storage closet, you know the one with the cute papers and artsy things you want to keep from all your kids... but mine is overflowing. So here is my tip #1... limit yourself to 1 bin of schoolwork, keepsakes, etc. per child. As they get older they can decided what they would like to keep or not. Then they are the ones who are in charge of maintaining it. So ere I go to condense that closet, and organize food... wish me luck!

Day 19... little at a time

Overwelmed...

So I walked through my house the other night, trying to inventory what I still need/want to get accomplished here, and it was simply so overwhelming, and literally began to cry. So my question is how do you (you being anyone bored enough to read this here blog) break down projects into doable projects... especially when money is a little tight?

Also on a up note... the store I shop most at has chicken on sale, in bulk, for 1.50 a pound... for 40 pounds. SO here is my plan. I am picking it up tomorrow along with ingredients for several do ahead meals... chicken enchiladas, chicken curry casserole, portion out Italian chicken for the crock pot, etc... so if you have an easy chicken recipe, or you would be interested in getting together with me to do this, let me know.it is much more fun with friends and goes quicker too.

Day 18... overwhelmed... but will be fed!

A step back

So I was on a 3 day run of no Diet coke... but then for my Birthday, y hubby and kiddos got me a couple big 2 liters... so then for dinner they got me a glass... but man o man, it was sooo good. Imagine how good it will be if I restrain for a little bit. But with this thought I think I am going to adjust this here goal. Limit myself on diet coke, and sweets... Not cut them out all together.

As far as my clean house, it is still a HUGE work in progress... but my new bedroom is getting carpeted the beginning of the week... and I am decorating for Spring, despite the snow today... so that will be a little more inspiration, right!

Day 17... adjusting goals to make them work.

One goal going well

So this goal has been one of mine since I was a child, it is something I have always struggled with,and sometimes do well, other times it takes drastic measures... but as of now I am doing pretty good on my own. I have not bitten my nails for a couple weeks now.. you should see them they are impressive for me... I just thought I should post on something I have done good at, just to keep my hopes up... since WW fizzled today ( doughnuts are apparently my downfall)

Day 16... longer Nails

No-Diet Coke...

So today is really the first day I am trying my no diet coke thing, and here is why. My sweet hubby and my sweet kiddos know I love and need it. So they keep surprising me and bringing some with ice, and stuff. I guess if I make a goal I better let everyone in on it if I expect help.

Well so far day one and I really want it... I think because I have a head ache. but I am also trying WW... wish me luck!

Day 15... Craving Diet Coke

?????

Well I am still not sure where I am going with this whole blig thing but I hav decided this, if nothing else it is kinda a good measure of my ups and downs, and while I am kinda in a downward swing at the moment, I would like to think that soon I will back on my way up.
I am still working lots, but I am hopeing that will ease soon giving more time to spend on my house, myself, and my family.
I have a friend that is giving up sweets for lent. I am not sure I can give up something, I am weak I know, maybe I could try Diet Coke? Sure why not. So today I am giving up Diet coke... think it will last? Til Easter? It is worth a try right? SO no soda pop for me for 40 days... I know I am late, but hey work with me. I think I really need to try to workout a few days a week, I always feel better after a good workout, so I know it s good for me, but will I do it?
For my home, I just need to tackle one area a day, and maintain it, eventually it will be how I like it, and maintain able. Perhaps if I put my tps in here for cleaning I may stick with it... maybe.
For my kiddos, I need to be more available to them when need. Not just making sure they are where they need to be doing what they should. Me there for them. And my poor hubby who puts up with my nagging, I need to be much more appreciative... and maybe more there for him too.

So here is my renewed start... wish me luck!

Day 14... Renewed goals!

Where'd I go?

I have been kinda lazy, not just kinda, I mean really lazy. I have had a couple days totally off work and extra stuff, and yet, I have accomplished nothing. I think I need to find a motivator... any ideas?

Day 13... motivation?

Have ya'll missed me?

So I feel like I live everywhere but home lately... between my 3 various jobs, kids schools and life I think I am never home, and my mess just keeps piling higher and higher. I am so looking forward to a day off with nothing to do but kick the kids outside and do some deep cleaning... after Valentines day of course... which is really just another excuse to not start dieting yet, right?

Day 12... Valentine's Day

Running outta catchy titles...

But I feel good today, I have gotten some paper work done, feel pretty good, lost a couple pounds and fit into my size smaller jeans... I have read a couple books I liked and am motivated to keep up on my writing. A good book reminds me that I can do that... maybe even better. So I have written a couple more pages on my story and I here practicing again.

I also feel pretty good, I got my contacts lens again today... had to wear glasses for a while... I was kinda prone to eye infections... But I feel like I am looking pretty good. I have not been following my weight watchers as faithfully as I would like, but I have tried to be better at what and how much I eat.

So I am making progress on my goals in a couple ways, I am feeling good about myself, and I am accomplishing baby steps... working up to my bigger pictures goals.

Day 10...still going

Gotta get going... NOW!

So I know I have kinda been in a funk...(description borrowed from My friend Amber E)but I am really ding it this time. I spent a good part of yesterday cleaning, and I am gathering important paper work that needs be gotten... that I have once a again stalled on til the last minute... But I am gettin git done right? And that is what this blog was all about.

I did accomplish finishing the first book for my book club this month... that was something I finished. It was a good book, so if you have read it and want to talk about it, feel free to leave me a note here... since I missed book club and the discussing part... Oh yeah the book was The Help, by Kathryn Stockett.

Also in accomplishing some cleaning and paperwork sorting I am now closer to getting my stuff together for my crafty side... the fun stuff I would like to have more time to do...

Day 11... Doing it...

Blah... blah... blah

So I feel like I am incapable of completing any real goals... I mean I just have zero motivation. I think I need to get off my butt and start making stuff happen. I think I just need the motivation and help to do it.

Day 9...HELP

I did it...

I awoke early this morning, and thanks to some good friends I went and worked out for about an hour this morning... this is promising. WHo knows what I may accomplish now having gotten up early and been productive... I may get a clean house yet... and a small pant size. YEAH ME!

Day 8... I did it.

What is the point ?

So I was thinking about what I dd or did not accomplish today... and why exactly I am bothering with any of this anyway... Here is what I have come up with. I still enjoy writing, and to do anything well it takes practice, so if for no other reason, this is for practice.

I also think it gives me some time to look at each day, and recognize what I have achieved each day. There are days as a parent when you think you have gotten nothing done, days at work where you wonder what if anything got through to the children you teach. and how if at all you touched someones life that day.

Today was no life changing event, but I got a 1 year old to smile at me, taught some 3-year-olds letter S and showed some young girls my love for dance!

SO why I am writing this, keeping up this lame account of goals not met, and left undone? to prove to myself that I accomplish something every day, whether or not it be the intended goals.

And for the record, yesterday I cleaned 1 room, visited with some family, and enjoyed my husbands company, and my kids and watched a movie.

Day 7... goals met...

Let's make an easy one...

My goal today, do my best at work, and come home happy. While I am at it, perhaps I can get a room clean

Day 6... easy I hope.

I knew I would blow this...

...So I just got it out of the way in my first week. Well excuses out of the way, I am trying this again. FOr starters I have a couple friends at work trying weight watchers with me, if you want to follow along with us, please reply on here with advice, encouragement, anything that may have helped you stick with it.

As for running and getting into shape, baby it is cold outside, and I like the cold... just not with me in it. And I know gyms are an option, but they are pricey, and I can't justify that expense at the moment.

I have been working alot, but I hope to cut back a little... just because I like working, and I like spending...

So what were my goals to get through day 5? Simple, post... which I did. Tomorrow I am keeping them simple, post, get paycheck, get chocolate, eat chocolate. as good as done!

Day 5... I did it, right.

What was I thinking?

Really how I did I expect to be able to seriously focus on dieting, exercising, and accomplishing random goals when I have no time, EVER. Ok so I have time obviously for blogging on here, but I try to keep that to a minimum. Besides doesn't everyone read this fascinating blog about moi?

Needless to say after working ALL day yesterday I did not finish my memory book as planned. But it worked out because we were unable to head out anyway.

Goals for today? Not writing them where I will have to be forced to eat my words... I am going to gather my things and really work on the book, but then I am going to try to get my Etsy shop set up with my other blog... Wish me luck.

One thing I did accomplish today... I made it to church, and we heard about gratitude, So I am going to add my gratitude in here daily as well... I am grateful that I am fortunate in these tough times to have not 1 job but 3, and I work with great people at all of them. My original 2 jobs at the dance center, I feel like I work with my family... I truly enjoy going there. And at Ikea I have been able to met lots of great people, and I look forward to getting to know them better.

Day 4... Thanks

Day 3...

It is day 3 and I STINK at keeping goals, I have blown WW out the window, it snowed I and I don't want to pay for a gym. and I love me my sweets... There is the negative of my day.

I have decided I really want to work on my writing... I keep coming up with more and more ideas I want to write about, and in one class I took on writing it said that like any other talent you have to practice. SO while I have not lost a pound or increased my exercise, I have practiced writing on my blog.

I am hoping tonight I can accomplish something... finish a project I started almost two years ago. When my mom passed, I had guests at her funeral write memories of her and on the website of her obituary they commented as well. I have worked on and off on putting this memory book together for my dad since then. Tomorrow we are going to his house for his birthday... I would like to be able to give it to him.

If I can accomplish this it will be one goal checked off my list.

I have also reconsidering renameing this Blog... "The procrastinators guide to goals"... think it will fly?

Day 3... reevaluation

What now know...

If you plan on starting a diet, go to the store the night before. And if you plan on running in the morning, don't agree to do a job that keeps you up past midnight.

With that note, I have been okay on my diet plan... not horrible, but not an ideal start either. And while I have not yet ran today... I still have tonight, right?

But I am doing this blog for self improvement, so I am going to finish the day improved... somehow.

Day 2... starting

Here I go...

Well I am sooo not big on mew years resolutions, but I was planning on running a half marathon last year, and well that fizzled. So here it is a new year and I have not lost any weight, I am feeling more exhausted than ever and I still have yet to have ran a half marathon.

So starting tomorrow (because why not procrastinate one more day) I am following weight watchers, and running daily to accomplish my goals. I would love help in doing so, even just an online friend to offer support, or a neighbor willing to wake up early and run with me, or someone watching me and asking how I am doing with this would be greatly appreciated.

Also I am going to try better to keep up on my blog... Kris still wants our family one private, but I am making a public one of my attempt to lose weight and get into shape... GO ME!

I have been thinking on this new blog now, and there is way more room for my own improvement then I realized. I have goals I want to see accomplished this year, weakness I need to overcome, gratitude I need to show. SO while the vain me thinks I should keep it to my physical improvement... the wiser me thinks I should expand on this concept....

So here is the plan... I find a way to improve myself, Daily, make notes of what and how I did, as well as keep up on eating right and exercising.

Day 1 The plan... wish me luck (perhaps I should add a before and after pic... I will get on that tomorrow.)