Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sleeping my life away...
Depression sucks. I should know, I have battled since I was about 10. It just sucks. I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do to get going, and yet I struggle to do it. Instead I let it win, I let sleep overcome me and spend every free minute sleeping away my life. I don't spend it with my kids, or cleaning house. At least when Kris was here he would harass me and get me going, get me to the Dr. for meds, or drag me to do things with the kids. now I have just gotten good at hiding from friends and family, and my kids who have a tendency for depression, just let me be and sink into their own depression. What kind of shitty example am I? I only do the few things I am obligated to. I show up for jobs, to things the kids need to get to, or I need to go to for them, etc. Church has gotten too easy to get out of, I can find an excuse really easy to not go. Dating for a while was a good way to get out of the house, until all the guys I met online dating turned out to be creeps or losers, and you get really tired of telling your story over and over again. So somehow I need to find something to motivate me. Something to get me going in the morning and make me want to do something besides sleep. I miss Kris, I miss going out with friends, but couples don't invite me anymore because I am a reminder that he is gone, girls nights don't happen often because again they have their husband to go home to and I am a depressing reminder of a worst case scenario. I have a couple single friends but they are busy with younger kids, or are bitter to be around, and girls are drama. I miss school. School is something I do for me, even when I complain about it, it is purely for me. I like that I have to pay for it because then I am obligated to it like a job. I miss my old life, I miss Kris, I need him, he is what kept me going. Kept our family going, kept his and my family going... I just miss him. I miss being a part of a couple. I think that is why I prefer to sleep my life away, it is easier than facing this depressing real life I live in.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Before/After/and Before again...
So I am sure anyone who has been following my brutally honest progress on the Taislim product has noticed I have been more than slow at posting, I have been non existant! There are some pretty pathetic reasons for that, and I want to be honest about what they are and what I have learned from them.
Since I lost my husband, I have been struggling with who I am, my identity went from a wife, to single, to part of a pair, to alone... it has been something I have really been struggling with. I gained more in the time I lost my husband than I did with any of my 4 pregnancies. I learned I eat out of boredom, when I am emotional, to stay awake when studying, when ever the kids are hungry. I didn't recognize just how often I turned to food as comfort and companionship until I was on Taislim and didn't crave it, or need it, and if I did eat for the sake of eating, it never felt satisfying, in fact it almost made me ill. As I used Taislim, I lost weight, and began to feel more like myself. Not eating all the time, and only when I really needed it. I saved lots of money after the initial investment because I wasn't giving into the requests for fast food all the time. I liked not having to figure out what to eat for lunch, I like just knowing it was ready when I felt hungry, and it would be enough. Even if I slipped and gave into temptation like a cookie or something, I didn't feel too guilty because I had options, and had done well up until giving in.
Because of my self esteem issues, I was feeling good, like myself again. But I was still trying to get out and date. I had a few dates that just weren't good. They only wanted sex, and weren't interested in getting to know me. After months of meeting nice guys who never tried anything, but it just wasn't a connection, this really knocked me back. I felt it was because I was looking good again that they felt they could say things like this, or try to get too intimate too soon. So I stopped trying to look my best. Sure I would still dress nice and put on my make-up... but I was done trying to improve my weight and healthy look. I know that this is not really why, and it is not what caused it, but when you are so down, you try to make sense of things you can't really make sense of. It was about the same time I was running low on product anyway, and being as busy as I am being a single mom with kids, work, and school to manage... I had not put in the effort needed to grow this as a business, so the finances weren't there to continue it anyway. I was so discouraged in other aspects of my life, my enthusiasm for this product was not there, I would joke about it, or down play it.
I have now realized that I was trying to look better for me, not anyone else. If I meet someone and they feel because I look a certain way they can make inappropriate assumptions towards me that is their problem, and I need to be strong enough in who I am to not let them affect who I am and how I act on them. I unfortunately need to wait a few months until I can afford to start up on taislim again and become the best I can. It is discouraging that I am now back to what I weighed when I started, but I know I want to get back to me, and I will exercise, and eat better until I can get back on the program.
If anyone is considering using this product, I can tell you with out a doubt it did work! It improved my diet by encouraging healthy portions, healthy foods, and not craving the junk food and fast food that is never good for you. It saved me money! I don't cook well, and I really don't enjoy it. So fast food was an easy alternative late at night when we got hungry. With Taislim, I had my breakfast and dinner already so figuring out a quick healthy dinner didn't seem too bad. My food bill was drastically less. I have seen many friends and family shock me at how well they are improving their lifestyle with this product, improved health, improved finances, improved outlook on life.
So I just want to say when I am back on this I will again start up my blog and weekly updates. I am going to tackle it with a renewed confidence. I have set goals I want to accomplish, and I know this will help me to achieve them.
1- I want to run another half marathon this summer and beat my time.
2- I am going to continue with school for one more year (on top of the one year I have left) and get a double bachelors in dance as well as English Education (and then after I have been teaching I am going to try for a masters in Education)
3- I want to look good in a bikini swimsuit again... I went suit shopping and it was HELL...
4- I want to work on earning extra money so I am not constantly questioning whether or not to move... with a little extra income, I can stay where I am confidently and have a little extra spending money!
5- (this one has nothing to do with Taislim) I want to be the organized person I used to be...
I would love to hear any encouragement you want to offer, and questions I will do my best to answer them.
Since I lost my husband, I have been struggling with who I am, my identity went from a wife, to single, to part of a pair, to alone... it has been something I have really been struggling with. I gained more in the time I lost my husband than I did with any of my 4 pregnancies. I learned I eat out of boredom, when I am emotional, to stay awake when studying, when ever the kids are hungry. I didn't recognize just how often I turned to food as comfort and companionship until I was on Taislim and didn't crave it, or need it, and if I did eat for the sake of eating, it never felt satisfying, in fact it almost made me ill. As I used Taislim, I lost weight, and began to feel more like myself. Not eating all the time, and only when I really needed it. I saved lots of money after the initial investment because I wasn't giving into the requests for fast food all the time. I liked not having to figure out what to eat for lunch, I like just knowing it was ready when I felt hungry, and it would be enough. Even if I slipped and gave into temptation like a cookie or something, I didn't feel too guilty because I had options, and had done well up until giving in.
Because of my self esteem issues, I was feeling good, like myself again. But I was still trying to get out and date. I had a few dates that just weren't good. They only wanted sex, and weren't interested in getting to know me. After months of meeting nice guys who never tried anything, but it just wasn't a connection, this really knocked me back. I felt it was because I was looking good again that they felt they could say things like this, or try to get too intimate too soon. So I stopped trying to look my best. Sure I would still dress nice and put on my make-up... but I was done trying to improve my weight and healthy look. I know that this is not really why, and it is not what caused it, but when you are so down, you try to make sense of things you can't really make sense of. It was about the same time I was running low on product anyway, and being as busy as I am being a single mom with kids, work, and school to manage... I had not put in the effort needed to grow this as a business, so the finances weren't there to continue it anyway. I was so discouraged in other aspects of my life, my enthusiasm for this product was not there, I would joke about it, or down play it.
I have now realized that I was trying to look better for me, not anyone else. If I meet someone and they feel because I look a certain way they can make inappropriate assumptions towards me that is their problem, and I need to be strong enough in who I am to not let them affect who I am and how I act on them. I unfortunately need to wait a few months until I can afford to start up on taislim again and become the best I can. It is discouraging that I am now back to what I weighed when I started, but I know I want to get back to me, and I will exercise, and eat better until I can get back on the program.
If anyone is considering using this product, I can tell you with out a doubt it did work! It improved my diet by encouraging healthy portions, healthy foods, and not craving the junk food and fast food that is never good for you. It saved me money! I don't cook well, and I really don't enjoy it. So fast food was an easy alternative late at night when we got hungry. With Taislim, I had my breakfast and dinner already so figuring out a quick healthy dinner didn't seem too bad. My food bill was drastically less. I have seen many friends and family shock me at how well they are improving their lifestyle with this product, improved health, improved finances, improved outlook on life.
So I just want to say when I am back on this I will again start up my blog and weekly updates. I am going to tackle it with a renewed confidence. I have set goals I want to accomplish, and I know this will help me to achieve them.
1- I want to run another half marathon this summer and beat my time.
2- I am going to continue with school for one more year (on top of the one year I have left) and get a double bachelors in dance as well as English Education (and then after I have been teaching I am going to try for a masters in Education)
3- I want to look good in a bikini swimsuit again... I went suit shopping and it was HELL...
4- I want to work on earning extra money so I am not constantly questioning whether or not to move... with a little extra income, I can stay where I am confidently and have a little extra spending money!
5- (this one has nothing to do with Taislim) I want to be the organized person I used to be...
I would love to hear any encouragement you want to offer, and questions I will do my best to answer them.
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