A bad Wife...

I am the first to admit I have an awful stubborn streak, as a child I was the last to leave the dinner table because I was the picky eater who wouldn't eat, finally excused to go to bed because my stubbornness won out my parents. Now a days I see that stubborn child rear her ugly head on occasion... my poor hubby the victim. I have never been the best house keeper, and I probably never will be, however I like my rooms cleaned a certain way, and my hubby knows it... so he asks me to do it. And that is where the stubbornness comes in. I don't like being told what to do, never have. Refused to read books in school I was TOLD to read, I would fake my way through the assignments, and then when I wanted to read it I would. (My now all time favourite book is one I was told to read in class, and didn't until AFTER the final test on it, and it sounded pretty good). So My hubby has nicely asked me, begged me, pleaded with me to clean our bedroom... and it is not a disaster area or anything, it is just where everyone kinda converges... so everything piles up. Today I don't work until 4 o'clock, and yet I am here online writing about it rather than simply getting it done. It is even coming up on my anniversary, and I find myself talking myself into doing it. Why can't I just do it? I know it is that stubborn streak in me. So as soon as I finish writing this, I am going to get up and clean this room and impress my sweet hubby who is always at work lately it seems to provide for us... did I mention he got me a GREAT car? So why can't I just clean up for him?

Day 62... clean room vs. stubborn me

Wasted days...

I hate being sick! I started last week with ALL the kids back in school and two complete days off work, ALL work. Sunday I had big plans for those quiet days... but my body had other plans. Sunday when I got up, I felt kinda bleh, not awful, but not great. Monday, I didn't feel good at all, but I got what I needed to done, and worked with a smile on my face. Tuesday, my first full day off, I was miserable. I felt so gross I got kids gone and curled up in bed. Wednesday I still felt awful, but I had a job to do... so I made do. Thursday I finally felt like I was on the way back to good health, but still drained, thus day 2 off spent sleeping. Friday back to work feeling better, Saturday work again, a little exhausted after working, and being sick. Today I am still fighting this nasty sinus infection and my nose feels like I have been blowing it with sand paper, but I have much more energy. So this next week I don't have any week days totally off to catch up on house keeping, but I have ALL weekend off for our 16th anniversary Monday. So my plan is to clean the house good all week so we have a very enjoyable stress free party weekend... no definite plans, but plenty of ideas!

day 61... sick of being sick

Normal Life...

Once upon a time I had a normal life. I had 4 children who woke up each day with their father, and we prayed together. Then they would all get ready for work and school. We would then go to our designated jobs, or school... and I would drive my children. We would do our jobs, I would come home and make certain my home was still pretty clean. I would pay the bills and then if there was a little extra go shopping. I would pick up the children and we would go to Dance, My job their extra curricular activity. I would go to school and get my homework done while the children did their home work. On weekends while I would teach, and hubby would play with kids a cleaning lady would come and do the deep cleaning of our home. Hubby and I would get a babysitter to watch children and fix them dinner while we had a nice date night.

So what happened to that life I once led?

The mean ol' judge said my license is suspended and I owe a big fine, we all go to school and work at totally different hours, The kids have lots more homework, and way more activities to keep track of. School is holding my transcripts ransom til I pay the financial aid back they mistakenly gave me, and there is so much work that needs to be done on our home, and little time to complete it...

So that is now my norm... so what exactly is a normal life again?

Day 60... Life

Motivation

I have had the laziest, non productive day today. I cannot seem to get myself moving. Why you ask? I don't know! I have been trying to pep talk myself and get going all day. I even planned a girl's night here for Thursday. You would think that would be motivating, I have no kids here at the moment either, But nope not motivating. I slept in til 10, and then just laid in bed til 11. I got up, got dressed, and checked a few things online. I started in the kitchen, then came in and watched a movie. I really hate this feeling, and I am really trying to do stuff, I just keep finding excuses not too, and they are so damn convincing for some reason. So I am finishing this post and going to try once again to clean up in the kitchen, or anywhere for that matter.

Day 59... UGH

Ever feel like there is too much to get done?

I DO! I think I feel overwhelmed everyday by the amount of things I need to get accomplished. There is kids homework to supervise, work, cleaning, finishing up house projects so we live in a nice home. Laundry, cook dinner, sort papers, pay bills, and then there is all that creative stuff that you feel a pull to accomplish, but it seems secondary to everything else so it gets pushed aside.

With this being how I felt when I awoke today (and after a bad day at work yesterday where I came home and cried in bed and slept for a couple hours) and then finding I am not needed this morning because of low enrollment, I decided I needed to be better at time management, (this term came from my son's new VP after he refused to listen to me, who knows her son much better than he does... can you tell I am still upset about this?) I need to plan to accomplish the important things first, i.e. make appointments, make phone calls, get the scheduling done first so that I can feel I have accomplished something and so I can then plan my schedules around those.

Second I need to prioritize cleaning and remodeling schedules. Yes I need to remodel the kitchen, but that is not going to happen before it needs to be cleaned, no matter how much I wish it would. Also no matter how much I want to move downstairs it won't happen until other rooms can be completed, so I need to make my room pleasant to live in.

I can't quit work (although there are days I would like to) so I need to plan around it. I can't just figure my day gets interrupted by my job so there is no point trying to get something done, I need to plan to accomplish something I can do in the time frame I have around my jobs.

I also need to make it a priority to exercise. It needs to be on my schedule so I fill the need to accomplish it, just wanting it is not going to make the fat sticking to my body disappear.

And finally, I need to set aside a time, at least weekly to release my creativity. If it works to accomplish finishing a room in my house that is fine, but until then I can create simple projects to fulfill that desire.

So this is BIG advice to myself, and I am not good at taking advice, I am really stubborn and hate to feel like someone knows better than me, but I need to make this change so I can be happier with myself. (hopefully I can take my own advice... I feel like Alice in Wonderland "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it")I had a great day on Friday, I was happy, my hubby came home and was happy with me. I need to make that and everyday thing, not just an occasional thing, who would want to be married to that, never knowing whether she was nice or not?

Also this means I need to cut down drastically on my obsession... the internet. I LOVE this invention! I love connecting with distant friends, I love reading up on their blogs and comparing how we feel, I love that my kids can get their homework done on this, I love playing my nerdy games on here, I love learning how to do something new on here, however I need to cut my time spend on it drastically, so I am going to try to schedule time for this as well...

Day 57... scheduling issues

(If you read through this whole thing, you must really love me... or have no life like I do! either way thanks)

What I have learned from my job...

I have learned people are rude, and filthy, they have little or no class and they don't know how to clean up after themselves nor their children. The ones who come in planning on getting stuff for nothing are the worst, the ones who are pleasantly surprised by a good deal are appreciative and polite. You have to learn to deal with ALL kinds, obnoxious self centered immature teenagers, bratty spoiled children, parents who cater to their children, Those who think they are better than you, and treat you as such. I have a whole new respect for those doing what they must to provide for their families, and themselves. I try my best to always keep a smile on my face and be a pleasant person for those I meet, however somedays it is really tough. Now I am truly grateful for the opportunity for this job, and I love people I work with, but I am really getting worn out working this much. That is all, had to grip a little...

day 57... work

I want...

This is what I want, and it is my blog so I can whine if I want to!

I want to drive, in my own car.
I want an iPad so I can set up my playlists for work, and have it available for my kids to have internet access for homework anywhere.
I want a new phone, one that will hold a charge and not shut off randomly, and will work with all the features on my plan.
I want a clean house, I want my kids to get that they have chores and they need to do them, so I don't have a messy house.
I want my house finished, I am willing to do it all myself, I am smart I can learn, I just need the time and money to get it done.
I want to finish school, I want to be able to qualify on paper with a degree for teaching jobs I am qualified for now.
I want to be able to not fight with my husband on a daily basis, about stupid things I know I am wrong about but too stubborn to admit.
I want to be skinny again, not my pre teenage prego skinny, but where I feel like me again skinny.
I want to have more energy and will power, energy to exercise like I should, and will power to not eat what I shouldn't.
I want cable, I shut it down to save money, but I want tv again, for thoughtless hours of entertainment.
I want my kids to worry about their own grades, I am tired of worrying enough for the both of us.
I want to quit my other job, it is hard going there when I only make a third of what I do at my other job, but benefits are a must.
I want to not be in this place mentally, but I am feeling kinda lost lately.
I want my mom. I want her here to talk to and to fix everything like she used to.


There is lots more I want to add to this list, but I think mostly I wanted a good cry, and writing this out gave it to me...
at least I got one of the things I want.

Day 56... A good cry

TODAY! (well 10 days)

So with enrollment down, and I am not scheduled to work today, I have the day free to clean... and I am determined to do just that. Now I know I say that a lot on here, but today I really mean it. Why you ask? Because one of my more messy children is leaving for 10 days today (and yes I am so going to miss my little superhero, but he will have fun with his grandparents) So my goals is to have a nice newly decorated room for my little tyke and his bro. It will take help from his big bro and sisters, but how cool will that be coming home to a new room? Also I am finish my laundry and going back to my system that worked. (wanna know what that is? Check my other blog, when I finish setting it up, I will take pics and show ya'll)

So there it is my new motivation.

Day 55... a new room

Sigh...

Here it is my last day off my main job(s), and I am having really mixed emotions. I miss having the schedule, and know where and when I have to be somewhere, but still not driving and having to rely on everyone is a little frustrating. With that I have taken a few steps to get back there, but I have only just gotten going on that. And with not being able to drive, It will be hard to find large chunks of time to get that done.

I have was kinda good over the summer, and took a few kickboxing classes, which was fun, but a little too sporadic to be effective, but I went for a good run yesterday, okay more of a quick paced walk, and that felt wonderful... if only I can keep it up. I had been eating good, and then hubby took a little time off, and I ate what he did, which was NOT the healthy salads and sandwiches I had planned. But I am renewed to my eating good challenge again (except hubby wanted a cake made that is calling me from the kitchen, hence the gum in my mouth at 7am.)

As far as my clean house goal, I have got 2 rooms of my house SPOTLESS. Now there is still more finishing up stuff that needs to be done to them, floorboards and such, but they look awesome. I KNOW what I am doing in the rest of the house, which is big, and now I just need time and motivation to get going on it. (and money, let's not forget $)

So I am going to get dressed, and go run... not far and not long, but begin to work my way back up to daily running and being fit. I am going to eat healthy. I am going to clean house. and I am going to do these things with a smile on my face!

Day 54... SMILE