Determined...

My eating habits while coping are NOT good... When I lost my mom, I wouldn't eat all day, then eat a whole pan of brownies alone... I would work out, but very sporadically... not enough to do me any good. With Kris, it has been the same... not eating, then binging.. occasionally working out, but nothing regular. I understand now it is even harder to fit in my workouts, with myself doing the work of two parents, but if I really want this, I will find time, right?

So here it is... I AM DONE eating crappy food that is not good for me. Now I know once in a while is okay AS LONG AS I am working out regularly. I find time to park my butt online each day... so I need to just find time to get to the gym.

I am determined to stick with this, I can not go on being so disgusted with out I look each day. So please offer any encourage you can if you see I am doing well. Thanks... I will post my triumphs on FB... here's hoping there are many...

Day 98... GO ME!

Inspired

One of my frequent goals on here is getting in shape... and I really do want to accomplish this, now more than ever. I have been making excuse after excuse, and I am finally getting to where life is slowing down, or at least getting into a routine, and I intend to be certain a workout needs to be a part of that.

A couple friends and I went to see Burlesque... I loved it, sure there were a few cheesy parts in it, but it was fun, and the costumes were so fun... I want to be able to get into something like that and feel good about myself.

So here it is, a year from today I intend to be drastically closer to that goal... looking good, in shape... no bulges or rippled in the wrong place. I know I can do this, I just need to act on that... wish me luck

Day 97... burlesque

Compliments

I have never taken compliments well, at all... not sure why, just never have. When we were first dating Kris would compliment me, how I looked, how I danced, something I did... and I would simply blow it off. Say "whatever" Laugh, make some dumb joke, etc. So shortly after we were married he finally started telling me after I got complimented and tried to blow it off, "Just say thank you". After a few years when I still would tend to blow it off he started complimenting me, and before I could blow it off, would make a joke, or some funny comment... taking away my chance to blow it off.

I have found myself blowing off compliments again, and saying whatever again... haven't said that for YEARS... Someone complimented me the other day and it reminded me of this. So my goal... "Just say Thank You"

Day 96... Thank You

School...

If I go full time, I only have a year and a half left to finish my teaching certificate in English (Now you know my majors, no judging me on typos, and grammar, and spelling, I am just impatient and hate going back). I was planning on getting everything in line to go back this winter quarter... and I could if I pushed it and tried... but after lots of thought I decided that I will go back Next quarter. That will give me time to get my house in order, and set up for returning to school and a life of more chaos than I am already in.

I need to make certain my kids are doing their best in school before I worry about mine. I need to get our house in order and livable, there is far too much clutter and disorder, and without me enforcing it stay that way, the kids don't bother either. If I can get it so everything is in it's place, and the kids know what is expected of them it will be a much easier transition into back to school. Also I need to find the time to fit in classes. I don't have enough time now to get simple chores accomplished, How can I hope to accomplish things if I am even more busy.

I am NOT simply putting it off. It will ultimately be the best thing for me and the kids, having a professional job, with days and hours matching the kids, with benefits available to me. I would be able to quick my extra insurance only job, but keep my teaching job I love...

Day 95... School on hold... Lots to catch up on...

Vent...

So I am tired of people I usually simply tolerate, trying to be extra nice. They say the wrong things, and sound very fake coming from them... especially the "at least his not in pain now" thing... it is just the same trite things people say thinking it is giving comfort. But then don't go from being your phony nice and ask for something...

I am just really tired of the phony BS I think. Especially from phony people. If you are sincere follow your words with actions... offer to help, don't pretend. That is the other thing... if you are going to post to your social online world MY business... follow through... come SEE what I need... don't use me for your show.

I was grateful I had learned last year to be a gracious recipient of generosity... but being someone's charity case is another story. Don't use my situation to make yourself appear like a better person. Step up and be a better person, without try to win pity for me.

And if I am wanting to be generous, or helpful... I know my limits, let me do so. I enjoy being the thoughtful generous one occasionally... I wasn't always a charity case... and won't always be.

Now don't misunderstand my rant as I am ungrateful... quite the contrary... I am overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity shown. I have not gotten out "thank yous" because the list is so long it is one of my overwhelming tasks I keep putting off.

Day 94... Thanks... but no thanks...

New Years Resolutions...

I have never been big on resolutions... like my goals they are usually just lip service... but I thought this year needed to be different. I need to set goals that I can accomplish and better myself and my family... since I am now the only adult in this family. So here are my goals to accomplish, or start, or work on this year.

1) get in shape. Eat better, exercise, make sure I go to the doctor when needed and keep up on check-ups. How else can I make sure I am here for my kids if I am not setting a good example, and I know it will help me get through this tough year of firsts...

2) I am going to set up a budget and get my finances in order so I always know where i stand, and can start saving up.

3) I am going to finish up school so that I can have a career that will provide a more stable income for my family.

4) My biggest is I am going to get my home organized. This is going to be the biggest to help out on the rest, and take a lot of time to there. Everyone has asked how they can help... beware this is where I may call for help.