I have been planning on quitting my benefit job since before Kris passed... but after he passed there were several things that have dragged it out, life insurance, health benefits, kids health care etc... However I have not been able to work the hours needed to keep up on benefits, but they have been able to still cover them... getting me further and further in debt, but because of the job with the offer of benefits was unable to qualify for state health care for the kids... lots of trying to figure out what would be best. I hate my time away from the kids, I hate how overwhelmed I am feeling, so I decided I really just need to quit the bene job, just kept putting off when.
Yesterday leaving for work the kids asked how long I would be gone... when I told them they whined a little. I realized then I needed to quit. I went in and told my good friend, who knows I have been trying to quit for a while now and is also my manager, I need to put in my 2 weeks... she said officially? I told her yes, and instantly felt a HUGE weight lifted... I know it is the right thing....
Day 115... QUIT
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
With a new determination...
I have been dealing with things to the point I feel I am drowning in obligations... remodeling the house, school, work, kids, cleaning, kids activities, finances, etc.
This blog has NOT been filling the role I had hoped it would when I originally began it... motivation for myself (and encouragement from viewers via comments) to improve myself. Now I realize I had a HUGE blow with the passing of my hubby, but I need to step back and evaluate where I am at, and where I hope to be.
School/Work/etc.- Here I am very overstretched, I am not sleeping struggling to keep up in class, and make it to work (and this is the summer when I am not teaching).So in the fall I will no longer be teaching preschool, and will be quitting my extra job for benefits (I was able to qualify the kids and I have medical services available to me through school). I hope to be able to finish school in two years (by fall of 2013) and have a job teaching school, but still teaching dance.
House- I need to cut back on work in order to keep up on house work as well. I have done lots of remodeling, but there is still so much to be done. I am hoping by the time kids start school I have the house organized to be a positive learning, family environment. making it easier to complete one house project at a time (I took on too much at once this time around)
Kids/Family- While I think we are doing well and hanging in there... I have been able to keep up on most of their extra curricular stuff... there is so much room for improvement. We were all so overwhelmed their grades not only slipped, they fell, I need to work to get them back up. We have not eaten healthy in ages, and I need to have better food options for them. There are days I feel like they are screaming for attention... they are only receiving it from one parent now... I need to be there for all of it. While I am still having a hard time with religion right now, it was the church Kris and I wanted the kids raised in... so I need to make more of an effort to be there.
Myself-Here I feel there is lots of room for improvement. I have put on weight, I am not eating good, I feel gross all the time and tired. I need to deal a little better with my emotions, I need to take care of myself, stop biting my nails ( they are gross lately) I need time for me... if only to recharge.
Here is what I have realized about my huge goal list... It seems daunting, and you are not sure where to start. I was gripping to a neighbor about how disappointed in our lawn kris would be, but went on to say that I need the interior taken care of first though. Later in the same conversation, I broke down... I feel fat, and ugly and I don't feel like myself lately. SHe said to me very wisely I am like my house... while there are several things I want to fix... you can't worry about it until you have handled inside. How wise... so here I am, taking one thing form each to focus one.
School/work- I am in line to quit the one job, so do the best I can to keep up on school until then... there is an end in sight!
House- upstairs the started projects are nearing completion. Finish upstairs, clean it, then you can tackle the decorating one room at a time.
Family/kids- it is summer, let kids enjoy it. Sit down with bren to help him work on his packets (when I sit to do homework as well) Get organized for jobs before school so they can be expected to help.
Myself- get my sleep. if I am rested I will be able to take on other things much easier.
day 114... broken down
This blog has NOT been filling the role I had hoped it would when I originally began it... motivation for myself (and encouragement from viewers via comments) to improve myself. Now I realize I had a HUGE blow with the passing of my hubby, but I need to step back and evaluate where I am at, and where I hope to be.
School/Work/etc.- Here I am very overstretched, I am not sleeping struggling to keep up in class, and make it to work (and this is the summer when I am not teaching).So in the fall I will no longer be teaching preschool, and will be quitting my extra job for benefits (I was able to qualify the kids and I have medical services available to me through school). I hope to be able to finish school in two years (by fall of 2013) and have a job teaching school, but still teaching dance.
House- I need to cut back on work in order to keep up on house work as well. I have done lots of remodeling, but there is still so much to be done. I am hoping by the time kids start school I have the house organized to be a positive learning, family environment. making it easier to complete one house project at a time (I took on too much at once this time around)
Kids/Family- While I think we are doing well and hanging in there... I have been able to keep up on most of their extra curricular stuff... there is so much room for improvement. We were all so overwhelmed their grades not only slipped, they fell, I need to work to get them back up. We have not eaten healthy in ages, and I need to have better food options for them. There are days I feel like they are screaming for attention... they are only receiving it from one parent now... I need to be there for all of it. While I am still having a hard time with religion right now, it was the church Kris and I wanted the kids raised in... so I need to make more of an effort to be there.
Myself-Here I feel there is lots of room for improvement. I have put on weight, I am not eating good, I feel gross all the time and tired. I need to deal a little better with my emotions, I need to take care of myself, stop biting my nails ( they are gross lately) I need time for me... if only to recharge.
Here is what I have realized about my huge goal list... It seems daunting, and you are not sure where to start. I was gripping to a neighbor about how disappointed in our lawn kris would be, but went on to say that I need the interior taken care of first though. Later in the same conversation, I broke down... I feel fat, and ugly and I don't feel like myself lately. SHe said to me very wisely I am like my house... while there are several things I want to fix... you can't worry about it until you have handled inside. How wise... so here I am, taking one thing form each to focus one.
School/work- I am in line to quit the one job, so do the best I can to keep up on school until then... there is an end in sight!
House- upstairs the started projects are nearing completion. Finish upstairs, clean it, then you can tackle the decorating one room at a time.
Family/kids- it is summer, let kids enjoy it. Sit down with bren to help him work on his packets (when I sit to do homework as well) Get organized for jobs before school so they can be expected to help.
Myself- get my sleep. if I am rested I will be able to take on other things much easier.
day 114... broken down
Friday, July 15, 2011
Venting...
I will probably hide this post further down and make it private until I post again... But I have to get some things off my chest...
I feel like I have been doing the best I can somedays, and overall I feel like I am doing pretty good! But then to have my in-laws, who granted they own the house, but of ALL the people who have lived here/rented since they moved out 14 years ago I personally put more into this house. But then they come 1 week a year and it happens to be the week I have finals. SO the house looks trashed because I keep kicking the kids out. it has also hit the hot weather time for Utah so our lawn looks a little dry. I admit I have forgotten a lot lately to turn on the water at night, but who are they to judge upon one visit what I am doing or not doing to their house? If they want to judge then they need to make more of an effort to come and expect it otherwise KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES!
Then after dealing with that (which by the way is after finals week as I mentioned and after the loss of a close family friend) I find that apparently my neighbors are having a problem with all the teenagers at my house, and in particular Brenton. I get some of the things I heard about, I ADDRESSED THEM, but they don't KNOW that because they went around my back to other neighbors and then my BIL to inform me. I feel their claims are without merit, Yes there are teens out late at my house, I prefer that to not knowing where they are, but I am close to the front and check on them continually, and make certain they are quiet after 10 on weekdays, and midnight on weekends, they are teens, and it is summer after all. If they have a sincere problem with that TELL ME! I will address their concerns, if they don't think I am parenting well talk to me. I am so angry that I am stuck to raise these kids alone without their father's influence, but I do feel he and I talked enough about how we raise them and what we want from them, I know what I am doing to a point. There is one week left before school, and I have told them that the late nights need to back off, so they can get back into the school schedule... But the vindictive part of me wants them to keep being up late daring them to call the cops!
I know I am far from perfect, but I have always felt I have really good kids overall. And I hate that since Kris passed I NEVER hear that, I only hear about what they are doing wrong. Were people just to afraid of Kris to confront him about it, or do they really think I am doing that poorly on my own? I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! I have quit 2 of my jobs, and it scares me a little because I worry about insurance and benefits from the one, and that small additional income from the other. But I think it will be best because it will give me more time home with them.
I am certain that because of these recent accusations that there is a world of gossip surrounding me having Bren's friends stay with us for a while... but I know it is the right thing to do. They mellow each other out, Bren and the twins... always have. And had it been anyone else I would have not been able to do it, but I truly love these boys like my own, always have. It is helping them out, and I don't care what others opinion of it is. I am not dumb and I do take every precaution, I do not go to sleep until they are all asleep, in their own beds, and I don't sleep sound anyway so I am continually checking in on them. I know there are certain to be things I am not completely aware of being the parent of teenagers it is delusional to otherwise, but I do feel I have a pretty good grasp on where they all are at.
I guess the main point of this post is to say COME TO ME AND TELL IT TO MY FACE, OR BUTT OUT!
Day 117... REALLY!
I feel like I have been doing the best I can somedays, and overall I feel like I am doing pretty good! But then to have my in-laws, who granted they own the house, but of ALL the people who have lived here/rented since they moved out 14 years ago I personally put more into this house. But then they come 1 week a year and it happens to be the week I have finals. SO the house looks trashed because I keep kicking the kids out. it has also hit the hot weather time for Utah so our lawn looks a little dry. I admit I have forgotten a lot lately to turn on the water at night, but who are they to judge upon one visit what I am doing or not doing to their house? If they want to judge then they need to make more of an effort to come and expect it otherwise KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES!
Then after dealing with that (which by the way is after finals week as I mentioned and after the loss of a close family friend) I find that apparently my neighbors are having a problem with all the teenagers at my house, and in particular Brenton. I get some of the things I heard about, I ADDRESSED THEM, but they don't KNOW that because they went around my back to other neighbors and then my BIL to inform me. I feel their claims are without merit, Yes there are teens out late at my house, I prefer that to not knowing where they are, but I am close to the front and check on them continually, and make certain they are quiet after 10 on weekdays, and midnight on weekends, they are teens, and it is summer after all. If they have a sincere problem with that TELL ME! I will address their concerns, if they don't think I am parenting well talk to me. I am so angry that I am stuck to raise these kids alone without their father's influence, but I do feel he and I talked enough about how we raise them and what we want from them, I know what I am doing to a point. There is one week left before school, and I have told them that the late nights need to back off, so they can get back into the school schedule... But the vindictive part of me wants them to keep being up late daring them to call the cops!
I know I am far from perfect, but I have always felt I have really good kids overall. And I hate that since Kris passed I NEVER hear that, I only hear about what they are doing wrong. Were people just to afraid of Kris to confront him about it, or do they really think I am doing that poorly on my own? I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! I have quit 2 of my jobs, and it scares me a little because I worry about insurance and benefits from the one, and that small additional income from the other. But I think it will be best because it will give me more time home with them.
I am certain that because of these recent accusations that there is a world of gossip surrounding me having Bren's friends stay with us for a while... but I know it is the right thing to do. They mellow each other out, Bren and the twins... always have. And had it been anyone else I would have not been able to do it, but I truly love these boys like my own, always have. It is helping them out, and I don't care what others opinion of it is. I am not dumb and I do take every precaution, I do not go to sleep until they are all asleep, in their own beds, and I don't sleep sound anyway so I am continually checking in on them. I know there are certain to be things I am not completely aware of being the parent of teenagers it is delusional to otherwise, but I do feel I have a pretty good grasp on where they all are at.
I guess the main point of this post is to say COME TO ME AND TELL IT TO MY FACE, OR BUTT OUT!
Day 117... REALLY!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I have failed...
Kris and I had always talked and knew we would raise good kids because we could balance each other out. I feel like I am failing them now. I let things go because it is easier. I don't have the energy most days to follow through with punishments. I feel myself shutting down somedays. I hate that their friends are more important than me and their siblings... and their friends are always around so I can't say it to them, because it will make their friends feel bad. I love their friends and I am truly grateful they like to hang out around here, but why can I not get the balls to say NO? I feel like my naivety comes out through my parenting. I feel guilty because they have so much potential... I just need to push them. I need to be a better parent. I know Kris would be so disappointed in me... I am disappointed in me.
Day 113... WAKE UP CALL!
Day 113... WAKE UP CALL!
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