Drowning...

This week marks two years since I lost Kris. Some days I think I am a rock star and can do no wrong! I get homework done on time, I get bills paid on time, the house doesn't look like a complete wreck and the kids all manage to shower and dress in clean clothes... then there is lately...

I am questioning everything I do, every decision I make, my kids, my job, my school... I feeling like I have been barely staying afloat, that flapping around trying not to drown for so long that I can't even doggy paddle... 

I should be fine financially, but every month I feel like I barely make it. I am borrowing from friends and family so I have gas money to go to school and work. I am pawning anything of value not immediately needed for food the last week of each month. And now my rent has gone up a 100 dollars a month, I am tired of having to do it all. I am dreading when the kids get their licenses because I know insurance will go up, and I will need a new car... My car is slowly going down hill and needs some serious repairs. I know I need to do more home meals and less fast food, but when we truly have limited time between work, school activities, and kids stuff and it gets to be 10 o'clock and they are hungry... it is what happens. I try to do the crock pot meals or the frozen ones, but you have to be home to do so... I know everyone's solution/suggestion is to 1) have my kids cut down on extra stuff and 2) have the teens get a job... there are problems with those... I want them to focus on school... they are finally getting it together after Kris died, why would I want to upset it again? They need their extra stuff to keep busy, plus it will help when they want to explore colleges, and why limit their potential? Besides with a job I am back to my dilemma of how to get them their with one car and one driver... and if I get another car/driver there goes my tight budget again. 

Then there is my school, I am drowning in homework, everytime I think I have a minute to work on it, the kids need to be here or there. By the time night hits and the kids are in bed I am exhausted and can't focus on anything! Then there are my options... a) if I bust my ass off and work hard I can complete my teaching requirements in spring and summer semesters, making me eligible for an internship, which would be great! It could turn into a job, I would get full benefits and half pay, it would could as my student teaching and my first year teaching (meaning I would start my second official year at a year 2 pay raise). I just don't want to overwhelm myself for this option, when I am already there... but it could be the best getting my a job teaching faster, and increase my income solving another stress, but I would have to pay for summer semester out of my spring student loans, meaning I will have to be very disciplined (I pay ahead on some bills so I am not too tight throughout school) I would also need to continue to take some dance classes on the side to complete my dance endorsement because I will be over full time as it is, and still need certain classes for the endorsement...meaning I can be teaching by fall 2013... b) Stay on the track I am on, graduating in three semesters and taking a couple dance classes a semester which I will still have a couple classes I need for my endorsement once I start teaching, but will be closer, and will have my full teaching degree... meaning I can be teaching my 2014...c) take an extra year and complete both my English degree and dance degree so I won't have to take any classes while I am teaching... but this will add to my student loans, but they will still be available, and it will help secure me a job... teaching by 2015... I just don't know what to do :(

Then there is my mess of a house, how can it get so messy when we are never here except to sleep? I try to catch up on it, but then I realize I have homework due, or the kids have something. I know it needs to happen, but I just can't seem to find the time. Kris was the one who would make certain it got done, I am so disorganized as well and I hate it, but I can't find the time or energy to do anything about it. (sure I could/should be doing it now, but all this has been building up and if I don't voice it I will explode on the wrong person... again [I will get to that later]) 

The kids things, I am so busy with fulfilling both roles as mother and father, I feel like they are both lacking a great deal... I have not been as focused on Clay and school as I should be, he is not doing well in school academically and I have not encouraged it, I was so good and on top of it with the others, because I had help... Kris did homework and made dinner while I was at work, I did it when I was home and he would run kids everywhere. There is a reason we are meant to parent together... be so grateful for that help if you still have it! I have not been as on top of Bren's scouts as I should have been, and he is barely going to be able to pull off this eagle, as long as I keep on top of it. The girls I feel are doing better, but I am still not as involved as I once was, and I feel that because of that they are trying to handle things alone that I should be there with them doing. 

I can't think of the last time I did something selfish for me, something I wanted just for me, and I miss Kris making sure I did, because he saw value in having time for ourselves. He would force it on me even if I didn't want it, and I would be so grateful after recognizing I needed it. I miss having him here because he was so in tune with what I needed, even when I wasn't. The day before he died I blew up at the kids school for hanging up on me and being rude... He calmly told me he would handle it and he did. I miss his calm approach to things, it was consistent, even if he had an immediate response, he knew the benefit of remaining clam... I don't, especially when I get protective of my kids... I react and ask questions after... he would assess it, ask questions and respond accordingly... I did it again today... I reacted protecting my child, and attacked a family friend. I thought I was being a good parent and handling it, but I attacked before questioning it, and I may have hurt a good friendship because of it. I had so many things (obviously) that that had been my final straw and I took it out on the entirely wrong person.

I miss going to him for advice... I can ask around, and friends and family all have their opinions, but they are not directly affected by in so they are not as invested to look at all the options... I question myself daily on everything, especially for the kids. I am failing slowly as a parent and I feel I am reaching a point I may not be able to recover from.

I am not happy about any aspect of me. I hate constantly questioning myself, I hate how I react, I hate feeling like i need to always put on a front, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me more and more... and I am usually the one most impressed with myself. 

I miss my friends, I have no time for them, and I need them, they are who I need to buoy me up right now. I love my job and I love being involved in the Nutcracker, but I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, the Thanksgiving break can't come fast enough. I miss Kris. I knew when the anniversary of his passing came and went I and I was fine... it would come, it would hit, and here it is. I am broken. I feel as though I am beyond repair sometimes... I think I need to go to the cemetery for a good cry...

Day 129... sinking fast (also posting in purple... journal entry)

Money...

I am at a point where I need to truly examine where I am living. I feel strongly that I am in the right place, where I belong for myself and my kids. But financially I am questioning. My landlord mentioned he may be raising my rent when I resign my lease. When we moved last year, I looked into several different options for downsizing, but I need to keep the kids stable, and in the same schools... they do not need any more life changes right now... and the cost of nearby apartments and townhomes or condos are not much cheaper than the home I am in. (3 bedroom apartments started at 1,100$ a month without any utilities. I pay 1275, 1350 if he raises my rent) Looking at my income and such there is no reason I can't afford this. I do not have any other debt. My other bills are all reasonable, and in December I can put my bills on equal pay so that will help with budgeting. So why am I always so tight? I know I am horrible at planning meals and with my busy schedule I eat out far too often. But that is the only place I can identify where I over spent, but every month I am about 2 to 4 hundred dollars short to get me through the month with gas and everything. In January I will be paying off a couple things (I am only eligible for my cobra through Feb, so that will be gone, as will a couple or small contracts, dental stuff, braces, etc,) But I will also lose Brenton's SS Survivors income the end of Jan.  SO I guess I will stick it out through then to make certain I am not just making a rash decision. But anyone who is good at budgets please give me some advice. I welcome any suggestions. Just tired of not being able to cover everything that needs covering each month...

(And I realize my kids are old enough to have jobs, but there are other things to consider when suggesting they get a job. They are both very involved in extra curricular, and so they don't have much free time for that, also they are both finally focusing on school after a couple years of shutting down after Kris died, and I hate to see their school work suffer again, I would rather they focus on school for now. Also They do not have their license yet, and I am ok with it. I would need a second car and my insurance would go up drastically, and when I am already tight why take on more... plus they have not been overly pushing for it...)

Day 129... budget help

Asking for help...

One thing I learned early on in being a widow... I can't do it alone, I need to ask for help. This was not an easy thing to learn, as I am someone who is very independent. I hate acknowledging I can't do something on my own. But looking at my list of goals and to do lists I have realized I am to that point where I need help. So this blog post is my in direct way of asking friends and family who see this post for help.

My house... I need help cleaning and organizing. Sure I have kids who help, and they do. But it is like pulling teeth to get them to do the basics, and I am to the point I need to sort through some of the boxes that are piled in my basement from other moves. And as  for myself, I need motivation to do it, someone offering to help might be just that.

My cars... my dad has offered as well as my brother and cousin... my problem is I need a car NOW and I am to the point where both my cars are slowing falling apart, I get one working to be a back up while the other is fixed, and before it can be fixed the back up is slipping again.

Weight/exercise... I have really been good about exercise, I have been taking dance classes each week the last couple weeks... but I need someone who encourages me to eat right. I am not good at fixing and planning dinners so far too often it turns into takeout... which is not healthy nor cheap. There was a point in my married life I was good at this... I just need to get back to that point. But someone to help encourage me would be awesome...

Budget... someone who is good with budgeting should sit with me and help me make a reasonable one. I am too impulsive.

Kids schedules... This next year with the girls going to a charter school I will need help with carpools, as well as a couple days of help with Clay and Bren... (Or help getting the older two to hurry and get their licenses... I tried to put it in their hands, thinking it would motivate them, but it hasn't. When I bring it up they get annoyed... I haven't minded too much because it would increase insurance, and my whole car situation)

Lastly help getting myself out... I know part of this falls on me, but I find myself spending far too much time online, in front of the TV, or in bed. I have been good and taken my anti depressants.. but I think it is more than simply depression, it is grieving as well. I miss the social me who got out with friends regularly, who went to dinner groups, etc.

Also if there is anything else you see I may need help with but neglected to ask... just ask, or step up and do it.

Help, Thanks... day 128

I am back!!!

So last time I wrote on here I saw little reason for so many blogs... but shortly after regretted it, and undeleted them... I like having my blogs and views on life a little divided. SO here is the quick run down of how they are divided...

1- Allison and family, in which I tell about the goings on of myself and the kids... it is private so you must request to see it... I want to keep my kids safe.
2- Here I GO Again (this one), in which I discuss personal goals I have and my progress on achieving them, or lack of...
3- Purple, this is my most private one, but also my most public... it is where I actually break down about how I am feeling with the loss of my husband. I am the most honest here, and this one gets the most views, mostly from fellow widows, so I feel it helps me to get it out, and it helps others to know they are not alone in their feelings.
4- Allioops, this is one of my favourite, and also most neglected blogs... it is where I post crafty, creative, recipes, organizing tips, etc. I think because when I am on top of my life and can spend time on this part of me, I truly enjoy it... but it is pretty rare.
and finally, 5- It was a dark and stormy night, (worst opening line of a book ever, in fact they hold writing contests based on this line) I have a love hate relationship with this one. It is where I write for fun, my creative endeavors, and hopefully where something published eventually will one day start... but it is also where I save my school work I am proud of, or procrastinate on...

With that recap on to this posts goal...

I want to be better at my blogging/writing... it is very therapeutic for me, and I function better when I do. And I want to be better at all of them... not just a couple... because that will help balance my life as well.


Early on I mentioned how I want to stop biting my nails... I have done AWESOME at that, they are so long and pretty, I am really proud of them actually.


Exercise, and dieting... I have been bad at these, but lately I have found a new desire to better myself. I signed up for a 1/2 marathon in 3 weeks, and I have been going to the gym, I haven't been eating as good as I would like, but I have been better. And next week I am taking some dance classes and that will help a ton.


School, it is going to take a little longer than I originally hoped, but with that I am hoping I can add my endorsement by then as well. Also I have a couple classes I need to finish, and then apply for the teaching program. I have dates, and plans and will get this accomplished.


My kids, I have had the chance to spend some one on one time with each of them, but I need to do it more consistently and with a purpose or plan. I want to make sure they are accomplishing their goals, and know what I need to do to help them. 


Budget, I really need to work on this, I find myself short every month trying to make it to next pay day... not a good way to live. But there have been huge accomplishments on this. I have a bank account, which is huge, and my bankruptcy is filed... which means I can start rebuilding my credit as a single woman, which is a little bitter sweet.

Church, I have been better here as well, but I need to keep it up to set an example for the kids, I think I was in too much of a funk for so long, the kids remember that example. I am getting there, but it will take time.

There are many more aspects I am sure I could/need to address, but this is a good start for now. I think if I start breaking them down daily that will help me as well.

Day 127... ready for a fresh start

Stress...

My head hurts just thinking about all the stress I have to deal with almost continually... (really I have had a migrane for 3 straight days now). I hate not having anyone to discuss decisions that affect not only my life but my kids lives as well.

In one of my classes we were discussing the age we become adults... I thought about this for several days and came to this conclusion. I was forced to "act" like an adult because of decisions I made at a young age, 18, but I was far from an adult. Only recently do I feel I have truly "grown-up" and why do you ask? Because after 35 years I have only me, myself and I to answer to. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago, someone who despite having my own family I felt the need to "answer" to her. My father while still around, has remarried, and now is occupied in his new life with his new wife, and not someone I feel the need to answer to for anything. 13months ago I was married and had a husband to answer to, but with his passing and I no longer having any grandparents alive, I am under no obligation to answer to anyone.  This realization was scary to me.

Thursday shorty after arriving to my class I got a phone call from my son's school. He had cut himself throwing a boomerang and needed stitches. What a helpless feeling. Trapped 30 minutes away when my baby needs me. I am fortunate to have close family and friends that stepped up and met me at the instacare, able to get to him faster than I was. But I hate that in order to be the adult and the parent I need to be so far away striving to educate myself so that I can attain a better job to provide for my children, and not be abe to be the stay close to home parent in case I am needed. Sure I always worked, but I could not have planned my job better if I tried. I taught preschool and dance, both of which I am able to take my children to work with me. It was flexible enough that I could leave to attend a school party or program when called to do so. I was even able to slowing work toward my goal of a higher education with a husband who supported me, and was home with kids while I attended classes. Then he was taken from me and my life turned around forever. I cannot be everywhere I want to any more. I have to choose what is best for my family in long terms as well and short ones. I have to say "No" much more often than I would like.

Because of all my stress in past months I got behind in classes, and as a result had to make school career choices that affect my graduation date. I think it will be ultimately for the best, but hate that I had to decided this on my own without a soundboard to help me walk through the pros and cons. I hate that because of trying to better myself for my kids I have to require more from them at home.

I decided I did not want to be the old maid lonely widow so I started to get out and date. I told myself it is just for fun, to get out. But when after a couple dates I have come home sad, feeling unnecessarily guilty, I have to ask myself if it is worth it. I have reconnected with an old friend I am grateful for, and will continue to love his his family, and have them over, but I think it is far too soon for me to "get out there". I have met a few friends who are great movie buddies, that I will now call when I have the need to just escape so I am not alone in the theater... and chat with them online when in the middle of an especially hard time in my life, but I do not for see any romantic connections. I think what set this off is my last night out meeting my friend for a fireside, it was on relationships, but the speaker was one I had heard of and wanted to hear. It was really great, but made me realize what a great marriage I had, and lost for the rest of my time on earth. I know I will never have that again, and don't want to settle for less. I know when I am ready and the time is right I will be willing to jump in and try to recapture some of that married bliss I had... but for now I am not ready. ( gave it a good month right?)

I hate the stress of bills, and money, and school, I hate doing it alone. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but when I try friends and families have their owns lives to deal with. They can talk for a minute or two, but have their own worries. I hate how I am sounding like poor me... but that is how I am feeling. I want my dad to step up and call and offer to take my boys out. I want someone to call and say I know it has been tough on you lately what can I do? I try to do my good and service when I can in ways I can. I know I have been very blessed by the help and support of so many loved ones... but why do I feel like it is coming to an end? Is there a magic time when after one year of being a widow you should be good now?

I need to drastically reduce some of my stress load... of anyone has suggestions please share. I realize I can't control and do everything... but as an alone parent I have to try.

Day 125... too much stress!