Money...

Not gonna lie, I hate it. I hate worrying about it, not having enough of it, coming up with it. Last year generous people helped me get to a point where I felt I was in a good position financially, sure I had a lot of crap to get through and overcome, but now a year later, when I thought I was good, I had my rent paid ahead for Christmas, and I been certain I had enough to pay the last major thing I needed to. Then I need to find somewhere else to live. Right before the holidays, so money I thought I had for kids and Christmas, and my last thing to pay with Kris's passing, now has to go to a deposit on a rental home.

I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...

So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.

Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.

Day 123... grrr... money

Can I be done with these damn trials?

I am so done with things piling up. We have made it a year... which is HUGE, it means we know we can do it again. (I learned that with my mom). But the week of his passing brought on more than I was ready for. A friend needed a quick place to stay when her room she was renting went bad, so I offered to stay with us temporarily. Which turned out more temporary than I could have thought, the week after my in-laws informed me that I need to be out be the first of January. This on top of the anniversary of Kris's passing (plus my friend/roommate lost her dad that week, AND Kris's uncle passed as well.
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.

Day 122... broken