To Do List

I have always had a rather large to do list, but I think this one grows everyday, and I think I keep getting lots done or accomplished, but each call leads to another, and each appointment has more things to get done. I am just really tired of having all these things to get done, and them haunting me. Haunting me that I only have to do this because Kris is gone. Haunting me because they are still things that should have been done ages ago. All I really want to do is write, it helps so much. I would like to have a decent night's sleep... but that has only happened once since he passed, and that was out of sheer exhaustion. But I am afraid if I don't get a full decent night sleep, that will happen again.

I have my list of things I need to do, and have needed to do that have nothing to do with him.
I have my lift of things that I am now forced to do that I should have done before but I am now FORCED to do because he is not here.
Then I have my list to do that I only have to do now because he is gone. This is the list I hate the most. I hate having to make something so emotional, not, and keep it business like.

So I start today trying to knock out my to do list... let's see how far I get...

Day 85... to do

Fail

Fail on my last goal of major cleaning... it was suppose to get done for the kids getting home... but it was harder than I thought, and I am not one to accept help easily there. If someone helps there it needs to be someone who knows us, so they are not careless with his memory.

So my new goal for the day... get organized, with the kids schedules and with a list of what I need to get done, call, arrange, this week. Before the craziness of the holidays...

I need to make this work as close to normal as I can for my kiddos... it is going to be hard enough already, so I am hoping while I have one more week off of Ikea I can get lots accomplished.

Day 84... organize

Clean

So my goal with having the kids gone was to get our house cleaned and set up for them to come home with a clean house ready to go... but it has turned into a quiet place for me to break down and grieve without the kids seeing me freak out... and getting all my frustration out.... but not a lot of cleaning going on... so tomorrow morning (I realize technically it is tomorrow) I am going to work on getting through this messy house, ready to tackle the holidays with a brave face and a clean house... wish me lots of luck... and if anyone out there is bored feel free to come help with the cleaning...

Day 83... project clean house

Gratitude

This month on face book, several of my friends have been posting what the are grateful for each day. My first thoughts on this is that I need to be more grateful, and what a good goal. Then I lost my love, and these just annoyed me... how could I be grateful for anything when I have lost my everything. They would just irritate me more and more each time I saw them. I think because I am so full of other emotions the idea of gratitude is the furthest thing I want to feel.

After a day of shutting everyone out, I realized I don't have to do this on my own, even though that is what is in my nature to do. I came to my dad and sister's house to help prepare for the big dinner tomorrow (which is hard enough already since it was always Kris doing the preparing) I fell asleep early from exhaustion and ended up staying the night. My sleep habits have been so out of whack I was up early and couldn't sleep any more.

I realized it was Thanksgiving, and was sad at first... Then I realized how Grateful I am that I had 16 years with him... I long so much to have had more but at least I had the great fortune to have had him, for that I will be eternally grateful.

day 82... thanks

Guilt

Since my hubby died I have had a lot of guilt, guilt thinking I should have called for help sooner, guilt I wasn't more aware of how sick he had been, guilt for not spending every possible second with him before I lost him.

I have also used guilt on my kids much more frequently since he has passed, dad wouldn't let you do that, would dad be okay with that, would dad approve of your choices?

And now I am feeling especially guilty because I have tons of well meaning family and friends who are simply worried about me and want to check up on me... but I am ignoring my door, my phone and messages on facebook.

I know I tend to sleep lots when I get depressed, and I have slept lots today, but I feel like I just need that time for me to cope... and I have had every possible way of coping go through my thoughts since I have locked myself away this afternoon. I have screamed, cried, sobbed in the shower, cleaned out his clothes, done some dishes, sorted the front closet, read his obituary over and over again, yelled at him, screamed at God for taking him, laid perfectly still willing myself to feel him, watching parts of his favourite movies, listened to his music. I just feel so lost with out him, I am not even sure where to begin coping.

So I apologize to my friends and family for the ignoring you, but please give me my space for today... besides there is a storm in case you haven't heard, and I want everyone I know safe at home.

Day 81... guilty

Gone

With every step of this process it makes the horror I am going through more and more real. We dressed him today. The kids were so tough, I think it was good for them. I hope it wasn't too much, I try to protect them from too much pain, but I don't know what is too much. There is no handbook for helping your children deal with the loss of a parent.

I slept almost all through the night last night, and I almost feel guilty for it. I liked knowing it was too hard to get through the night without him... but I did. I have had all the kids in my bed and I think that has helped.

I am so glad he is at peace now, not haunted by dreams, and no longer sick and in pain... but now I am in pain. I feel like all my basic needs, eating sleeping, have to be forced now. I don't eat until I have gone so long and it is forced on me. I don't sleep until it has been a whole week and then I sleep all night out of exhaustion.

Today we are going to have to get through the viewing, I know there are going to be so many people and I am not sure I am ready to handle this.

Part of me feels guilty for so many aspects of his death, perhaps if I had been stronger in the church I wouldn't have to be tested, perhaps if I had called sooner he would still be here, I try not to dwell on those, but when I am alone that is what goes through my head, is all the guilty and every way I could have been able to prevent this.

Everyone tells me I am being soo strong and handling things so well... are they forgetting I have 4 children I have to be strong for? How would they know how well or not well I am handling this? Or they are telling me I have done good at setting things up up or planning the funeral, I have only done well at this because of knowing how to do it when I lost my mom.

Today my goal is to make certain the kids are doing okay, it is the viewing and we are going to try to go see a movie before so there is something else to talk about and remember... I know he would want that, the night before he died we watched the previous movie so we were ready for the next one to come out. I am still shocked it has been a week since we lost him.

Day 80...okay?

Loss

I have gone from being MIA on my various blogs to posting non stop, I think because if I have to think about what I am writing, even if it is about him, it keeps me from dwelling too long on the hard stuff.

I started this here blog in an attempt to accomplish some goals, long term, short term, simple, hard, just accomplish them. With my hubby passing I decided I need to simplify a little more and make the goal to take one day at a time... which is all I can do right. It is when I think "how am I going to raise these kids on my own?" I kinda break down. I know I have some great support, and lots of it, but kids NEED their dad. So I am taking each day one step at a time...

Today I am going to get through shopping for my funeral clothes, dressing my husband, and gathering anything I need to have there at the funeral. I am going to be strong for the kids, but let them know I am hurting too. I have luckily found I can tell when he is near... I have an odd warmth about me, and even though I feel the tears right on the edge of falling... they never do. It is when they fall he is helping someone else cope.

Day 79... 1 day at a time... for now just cope.

Sad

So I have been really missing my computer because I love to just type. It makes me feel so much better. But the reason I am back online now and able to type is SOOO not worth it. I lost my best friend and love of my life Friday. Because of this my great family and friends are not letting me be alone and they are taking me to their homes... with computers and internet.

I miss him sooo much and I know I will have the support needed to get through this, but will I be strong enough for my children? With the loss of my mother I learned I was stronger than I thought... but I also learned it was because I had Kris for support, and I needed to learn to lean on him then. I guess I now need to learn to lean on others too.

Day 78... strong?