poison

I have recently discovered that silly saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is more true than I care to admit. My bad day of sulking in bed took an even worse turn of missing my only found ride to work and being stuck home, then instead of at least making it into a productive time at home spent it sleeping in my bed. Then when my girls attempted to talk to me, I freaked out, not just raised my voice, FREAKED out at them. I then missed getting to the last couple teachers I needed to talk to for Brenton's PTC's. Hubby came home and tried to cheer me up... but it kinda backfired. Realizing that I not only have four children to watch over but a hubby who is sick and struggles to take care of himself, as well.

I am still unable to drive, while hubby got me a new car, he sold his leaving us still at a single car... and true I don't have my license yet, but at least having a back-up would have gotten me to work today! I have considered just turning myself in to serve time in jail just to get this whole ordeal over with so I can drive without guilt and risk.

SO the poison I spoke of in my title is myself lately. I feel like I am not only poisoning myself with my self pity and depression, but I am spreading this self loathing to my children, and hubby, and what kind of an example, let alone person am I who goes around poisoning peoples good attitudes with my bitter one?

So I am making a STRONG effort to 1)take my anti-depressant pills (half because the whole one made me think really dark thoughts) 2) Be a productive person in my home... it is depressing coming home to large amounts of garbage to go through to get to a clean livable house. 3) Be a positive person... as best as I can, for my families sake. I am not mentally there for myself yet, so least be there for them the benefits will rub off on me until I can be there for me.

Day 70... antidote

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? I feel like I am barely functioning lately. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I had my Dr. prescribe me more anti-depressants, I can make myself function to get my kids out the door, and get my sorry butt to work, and as best as I can for my hubby when he is around, but I cannot make myself do anything for myself. I get kids and hubby gone, and I try to get going on something productive, and I just crawl back into my bed and hide... until the kids get out of school and I have to function for someone else.

I know I do better when I am busy, but I can't keep busy if I can't get myself where I need to go to stay busy. I hate that this positive blog to encourage me to achieve my goals has turned into a poor me and my battle with depression blog... but I have to say it has helped voicing my frustrations here, especially when I have dark thoughts I wouldn't wish on anyone.

So now I am asking my 2 readers let me know what you do to motivate yourself to get going for the day...

Day 69... poor me

:( (frowny face)

I have had a hard week... my puppy hurt our neighbors cat, and they had to put it down. Because of this, we have had to find a new home for our puppy. We said our goodbyes to him this morning and are hoping they find him a good home at the Humane Society.

Day 68... Sad

Baby you can drive my car...

Here is my confession... I am still on legal driving suspension, however last week hubby rode his motorcycle to work and I got the car, and after 2 days of being able to drive... I am more determined than ever to get back behind the wheel. It was so nice to just go pick up kids, get to work, run to the store. How have I gone so long without that? Well no more. This week I am getting back on the road... I need to, life is just way easier that way.

day 67... on the road again!

LOVE

Can I just say I now have a slightly different view on love. You always hear about love at first sight, or Mr. Right, and sometimes you think what if there is someone else out there... But I am so glad I don't have to ever wonder? I found him 16 years ago. I am so glad I missed the dating scene, the whole getting to know each other thing and just simplified it with marrying my high school sweetheart and starting a family before I was 18... I have heard how we beat the odds, and good for us for making it this far but really I think considering we had it kinda easy, we got to grow up together and learn lots of life's lesson together, instead of getting to know each other and stuff. And can I just say how I LOVE to simply just BE with my hubby? I think my favourite part of the weekend was spent laying in each others arms and holding each other close.

Day 66... love

PRAY

My PRAY was a little more self reflection and analyzing where we are at in our marriage and family. While sometimes I think it would be fun to have another little one, it is so nice to have all my kids growing up... and a little scary too. But I am confident in how we have raised them, they are overall pretty good kids and I am so proud of them. My marriage is in good shape, I love him tons, and while sometimes we have different opinions, or forget that the other can be totally indecisive, we still balance each other out pretty good. We are doing what we can, which is the best anyone can hope for right? I know I need to make more of an effort to get back to church more often, and with my schedule changing a little at my bene job, that should be easier to accomplish.

Day 65... reflect

EAT

So this weekend is my last pig out weekend for a while. I am really feeling out of shape and bleh... so I enjoyed my weekend splurging on all that yummy food that is so NOT good for you. Yummy salmon pesto with fettuccine Alfredo yummy buttery garlic potatoes, pizza, chips, Teriyaki chicken, fried rice, chocolate, cake, licorice, you name it we pigged out on it. Tonight we are going out for dinner and then tomorrow my diet officially begins. The paln is to start weight watchers again, because my theory is if you are paying for it it will guilt me into following it, right? So if there is anyone who would like to join with me I would LOVE the company and encourage ment... it always helps to have someone to go through it with you. Also I am going to start running in the mornings with my sweet son.

Day 64... yummy

Eat, Pray, Love

So I have to confess... I have NO desire to see this movie, nor to I particularly care to see the book. The gist of it is about a women who leaves her husband to find herself... So with it being my 16th wedding anniversary, i decided since we sent the kids away and it would be just my hubby and I, I would find myself... with him. Sound a little confusing? Not really. I have grown up with this man, had four babies with him, and have gone through job loss, parent loss, and several other major life changing events. So when I had high hopes about our long weekend together I quickly remembered after a short time who I am married too, and decided that regardless of my desires I know this man so well, he is a homebody and loves to sty in and close to home, and I would have a wonderful weekend just knowing I could spend it all with him. I found that regardless of my expectations, I have to be flexible for both of us. I love this man....

We spent the weekend eating my favourite food (Italian) and his, (Japanese) in our own B&B room. We watched movies and simply enjoyed each others company. Isn't that what finding yourself is all about? LOVE?!?!?

Day 63... LOVE