poison

I have recently discovered that silly saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is more true than I care to admit. My bad day of sulking in bed took an even worse turn of missing my only found ride to work and being stuck home, then instead of at least making it into a productive time at home spent it sleeping in my bed. Then when my girls attempted to talk to me, I freaked out, not just raised my voice, FREAKED out at them. I then missed getting to the last couple teachers I needed to talk to for Brenton's PTC's. Hubby came home and tried to cheer me up... but it kinda backfired. Realizing that I not only have four children to watch over but a hubby who is sick and struggles to take care of himself, as well.

I am still unable to drive, while hubby got me a new car, he sold his leaving us still at a single car... and true I don't have my license yet, but at least having a back-up would have gotten me to work today! I have considered just turning myself in to serve time in jail just to get this whole ordeal over with so I can drive without guilt and risk.

SO the poison I spoke of in my title is myself lately. I feel like I am not only poisoning myself with my self pity and depression, but I am spreading this self loathing to my children, and hubby, and what kind of an example, let alone person am I who goes around poisoning peoples good attitudes with my bitter one?

So I am making a STRONG effort to 1)take my anti-depressant pills (half because the whole one made me think really dark thoughts) 2) Be a productive person in my home... it is depressing coming home to large amounts of garbage to go through to get to a clean livable house. 3) Be a positive person... as best as I can, for my families sake. I am not mentally there for myself yet, so least be there for them the benefits will rub off on me until I can be there for me.

Day 70... antidote