Stress...

My head hurts just thinking about all the stress I have to deal with almost continually... (really I have had a migrane for 3 straight days now). I hate not having anyone to discuss decisions that affect not only my life but my kids lives as well.

In one of my classes we were discussing the age we become adults... I thought about this for several days and came to this conclusion. I was forced to "act" like an adult because of decisions I made at a young age, 18, but I was far from an adult. Only recently do I feel I have truly "grown-up" and why do you ask? Because after 35 years I have only me, myself and I to answer to. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago, someone who despite having my own family I felt the need to "answer" to her. My father while still around, has remarried, and now is occupied in his new life with his new wife, and not someone I feel the need to answer to for anything. 13months ago I was married and had a husband to answer to, but with his passing and I no longer having any grandparents alive, I am under no obligation to answer to anyone.  This realization was scary to me.

Thursday shorty after arriving to my class I got a phone call from my son's school. He had cut himself throwing a boomerang and needed stitches. What a helpless feeling. Trapped 30 minutes away when my baby needs me. I am fortunate to have close family and friends that stepped up and met me at the instacare, able to get to him faster than I was. But I hate that in order to be the adult and the parent I need to be so far away striving to educate myself so that I can attain a better job to provide for my children, and not be abe to be the stay close to home parent in case I am needed. Sure I always worked, but I could not have planned my job better if I tried. I taught preschool and dance, both of which I am able to take my children to work with me. It was flexible enough that I could leave to attend a school party or program when called to do so. I was even able to slowing work toward my goal of a higher education with a husband who supported me, and was home with kids while I attended classes. Then he was taken from me and my life turned around forever. I cannot be everywhere I want to any more. I have to choose what is best for my family in long terms as well and short ones. I have to say "No" much more often than I would like.

Because of all my stress in past months I got behind in classes, and as a result had to make school career choices that affect my graduation date. I think it will be ultimately for the best, but hate that I had to decided this on my own without a soundboard to help me walk through the pros and cons. I hate that because of trying to better myself for my kids I have to require more from them at home.

I decided I did not want to be the old maid lonely widow so I started to get out and date. I told myself it is just for fun, to get out. But when after a couple dates I have come home sad, feeling unnecessarily guilty, I have to ask myself if it is worth it. I have reconnected with an old friend I am grateful for, and will continue to love his his family, and have them over, but I think it is far too soon for me to "get out there". I have met a few friends who are great movie buddies, that I will now call when I have the need to just escape so I am not alone in the theater... and chat with them online when in the middle of an especially hard time in my life, but I do not for see any romantic connections. I think what set this off is my last night out meeting my friend for a fireside, it was on relationships, but the speaker was one I had heard of and wanted to hear. It was really great, but made me realize what a great marriage I had, and lost for the rest of my time on earth. I know I will never have that again, and don't want to settle for less. I know when I am ready and the time is right I will be willing to jump in and try to recapture some of that married bliss I had... but for now I am not ready. ( gave it a good month right?)

I hate the stress of bills, and money, and school, I hate doing it alone. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but when I try friends and families have their owns lives to deal with. They can talk for a minute or two, but have their own worries. I hate how I am sounding like poor me... but that is how I am feeling. I want my dad to step up and call and offer to take my boys out. I want someone to call and say I know it has been tough on you lately what can I do? I try to do my good and service when I can in ways I can. I know I have been very blessed by the help and support of so many loved ones... but why do I feel like it is coming to an end? Is there a magic time when after one year of being a widow you should be good now?

I need to drastically reduce some of my stress load... of anyone has suggestions please share. I realize I can't control and do everything... but as an alone parent I have to try.

Day 125... too much stress!