A Fresh Start for a New Year...

Wow it has been quite a year, and I thought we would never top 2010 for bad years! Started school, had a year of "firsts" and ended it with a move. While the circumstances surrounding the move were not great, I think the move will be. It is in the neighborhood I grew up in, they know us and our situation... and it will force me to budget a lot more and be more frugal. After trying to be there for everyone, and help others out, while I am certain it is what Kris would have done, I now need to focus on Me and my kids. We have been through a lot this past year and I can see where we have kinda fall apart in some areas... Kris would be disappointed in us, he was all about family first.
With a new home comes new organization. I am determined to get back to my "OCD" me with little signs on the walls in rooms reminding kiddos of what is expected of them, everything in it's own place, and never a question of where it goes or where it is. I can't wait! Also I hope it will bring the kids back to reality as far as helping and contributing in their chores.
Finally after a sad first year without Kris, I am getting out. I have gone out with a friend I grew up with a couple times now and it has been great! He and I can relate on single parenting, and he knew Kris. I love that he is willing and able to talk about Kris, I think the kids like that too. I don't know where it is going, or if it anything more than friends reconnecting, but for a "first" dating experience after loss it has been a good one.
I think now where I am not in a house that consumes me, and I can focus on our family and myself, I will finally be able to get back in shape. I am going to make a better effort to avoid the junk food, and with budgeting I can't afford fast food or take out any more. I will have to budget my entertainment as well, and I always preferred something physical, so I am going to take the older kids dance class and get back into running. I felt good when I was running and looked good, I want to get back there...(CONFESSION: I have put on more weight this year being a widow than I did with ALL 4 pregnancies...)
So here is the point of my post...
GOALS for the end of the year...
   1) finish moving. Get everything of ours out of that house.
   2) figure a budget. Before I can use it, I need to know it right?
   3) clean and set up here. I can't expect them to keep it that way unless it starts that way right?
   4) plan a menu. Gotta eat, and if it is planned it is harder to justify fast food.
   5) set up food/exercise journal. I would lose weight if I don't have a plan in place.
New Years Resolutions...
   1)Keep our home clean and organized.
   2) Plan a budget and keep it, don't overspend and try to save money (Need to file my 7 so I can have that behind me and have a bank account)
   3)NO FAST FOOD! Plan on twice a month take out or pizza for family nights or birthdays, otherwise NO!
   4)Exercise daily! Running dancing sit-ups anything as long as daily I do something active!
   5) Church... I want to get back into good church habits, attending, paying tithe, FHE, scripture study.
   6) I need to focus on my kids as well, I know my school is important to provide for them, as is work, but how will they be a productive positive member of society when they are adults if I fail as a parent to teach them the skills they need and get them through school?
   7) Focus on our family and living life to it's fullest. I need to show the kids that we are not the one who died. That he wants us to have a full and happy life, how can I expect them to "move on" and function without being "stuck" or "defined" by their loss, if I don't. I will make an effort to get out and enjoy life. I will encourage them to do so as well in a positive way!

Day 124... New Year Resolutions!

Money...

Not gonna lie, I hate it. I hate worrying about it, not having enough of it, coming up with it. Last year generous people helped me get to a point where I felt I was in a good position financially, sure I had a lot of crap to get through and overcome, but now a year later, when I thought I was good, I had my rent paid ahead for Christmas, and I been certain I had enough to pay the last major thing I needed to. Then I need to find somewhere else to live. Right before the holidays, so money I thought I had for kids and Christmas, and my last thing to pay with Kris's passing, now has to go to a deposit on a rental home.

I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...

So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.

Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.

Day 123... grrr... money

Can I be done with these damn trials?

I am so done with things piling up. We have made it a year... which is HUGE, it means we know we can do it again. (I learned that with my mom). But the week of his passing brought on more than I was ready for. A friend needed a quick place to stay when her room she was renting went bad, so I offered to stay with us temporarily. Which turned out more temporary than I could have thought, the week after my in-laws informed me that I need to be out be the first of January. This on top of the anniversary of Kris's passing (plus my friend/roommate lost her dad that week, AND Kris's uncle passed as well.
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.

Day 122... broken

Wednesday IS the Day!!!

I will get money, I will resign up at my gym, I will start on some diet drops to kick start my weight loss, I will be productive on my day off, and I will get some order and organization in my life. I am trying desperately to finish up ANY paper work that has to do with Kris and his passing by the first anniversary... I just want it done! I feel like I am myself drowning... I am losing myself to everything else I have going on in my life. I need to be organized and happy with myself if I expect my kids to be that way as well. How can I expect them to be productive and organized if I am not setting that example? So I am going to get there, and Wednesday is the day! Although  I am going to start my running tonight!

Day 121... THE DAY!

Dropped...

I finally have admitted it to myself, I have taken on a little too much... so I did it, I dropped a class at school. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are now free, which is just what I have needed a day to myself... except I am not using it like i should, I have spend the last couple of them curled up in bed after I get the kids off to school. I am feeling so overwhelmed with some of my classes... I really wish I could just go and listen and participate for credit... but I need to write the papers that go along with it.

I wish I could drop all this extra weight I have put on since he has been gone... I am the heaviest I have EVER been... even with ALL my pregnancies. I find myself eating late at night, I have no energy for exercising because I can't sleep... or I sleep too much.

I need to clean my house, but can't bring myself to get it done, I have no time nor energy. I get some help from the kids, but they have their things they need to do as well. I figure I have survived the year from hell without him by letting some things go. It is coming up on eleven months and I am an emotional wreck! I feel like I have barely functioned through this year... but I functioned. I need to make this next year better, for all of us.

SO my goal with this post... drop the excuses... and make a commitment to get my house in order before our one year mark. DO it for him... I have never been a good housekeeper, EVER, I would only do it to impress him... unless he asked me then my stubborn streak would kick in and I would not touch a thing until he backed off... I miss him...

Day 120... Drop the excuses!

A simple solution/goal

So my house is slowly getting to where I want it to be... Clean and organized. I feel I cannot continue with the repairs until I finish started projects, and get the house clean and organized so I can attack one project effectively at a time. I am glad I am "paid" up on rent through December... however if I can get stuff gone to get ahead I will gladly do so. So here is the goal. If I can get through a pile/bucket/basket a day, and organize, junk, assign it a place I will eventually get things done. Then it will be much more doable. So that is my goal, I am hoping to have it done before the holidays. If anyone who is bored and reads my poor me blogs and feels like they want to come tackle a bin with me you are more than welcome (although I really should warn you I am a little OCD and a control freak) Also I am trying to make a couple things a positive habit in my life... running/ walking each night. And also for a class I am trying to get in the habit of writing each night... maybe at this rate I will eventually finish a story... So here is to daily habits and changes! Day 119...Positive Habits!

New School Year...

So I am hoping in the next couple of days, and the next week while kids are gone and I am home I can finish up organizing, and cleaning the house. There is still lots to do, but it needs to get done... it is just a matter of finding the time. Lots of things to do still, and running out of time to do it, or so it seems. A couple of Bren's close friends are going to be staying with us for a while, so we need to make sure they have their own room to make it their own and feel comfortable in there.

The goal for the weekend... organize and conquer! How awesome will it be to have it all clean and organized, and only have to attack one room at a time to remodel it? I think it will make it go much easier!

Day 118... Organization deadline!

Progress... and plans

As I mentioned before it was a HUGE weight lifted quitting ( my last day is Thursday, and I did leave on good terms in case I ever need to go back, I will be welcomed). After that I wanted to continue with my goals, the kids and I (and a couple of Bren's close friends who are staying with us) worked hard and have the upstairs nearly done. Hopefully after tomorrow we will have a big chunk of the basement done and sorted for garage sells, and organizing. Also school is over in a week, so I will need to focus on it for another week (so why am I posting this?) then I will have a couple weeks before kids and I go back to finish up some projects. After my cramming for school, and cleaning/organizing the house, and a couple less jobs I will have more time to focus on myself and my health. SO one more week of school and cleaning and hopefully we can get settled into a steady routine!

Day 116... Routine!!

I Quit...

I have been planning on quitting my benefit job since before Kris passed... but after he passed there were several things that have dragged it out, life insurance, health benefits, kids health care etc... However I have not been able to work the hours needed to keep up on benefits, but they have been able to still cover them... getting me further and further in debt, but because of the job with the offer of benefits was unable to qualify for state health care for the kids... lots of trying to figure out what would be best. I hate my time away from the kids, I hate how overwhelmed I am feeling, so I decided I really just need to quit the bene job, just kept putting off when.

Yesterday leaving for work the kids asked how long I would be gone... when I told them they whined a little. I realized then I needed to quit. I went in and told my good friend, who knows I have been trying to quit for a while now and is also my manager, I need to put in my 2 weeks... she said officially? I told her yes, and instantly felt a HUGE weight lifted... I know it is the right thing....

Day 115... QUIT

With a new determination...

I have been dealing with things to the point I feel I am drowning in obligations... remodeling the house, school, work, kids, cleaning, kids activities, finances, etc.

This blog has NOT been filling the role I had hoped it would when I originally began it... motivation for myself (and encouragement from viewers via comments) to improve myself. Now I realize I had a HUGE blow with the passing of my hubby, but I need to step back and evaluate where I am at, and where I hope to be.

School/Work/etc.- Here I am very overstretched, I am not sleeping struggling to keep up in class, and make it to work (and this is the summer when I am not teaching).So in the fall I will no longer be teaching preschool, and will be quitting my extra job for benefits (I was able to qualify the kids and I have medical services available to me through school). I hope to be able to finish school in two years (by fall of 2013) and have a job teaching school, but still teaching dance.

House- I need to cut back on work in order to keep up on house work as well. I have done lots of remodeling, but there is still so much to be done. I am hoping by the time kids start school I have the house organized to be a positive learning, family environment. making it easier to complete one house project at a time (I took on too much at once this time around)

Kids/Family- While I think we are doing well and hanging in there... I have been able to keep up on most of their extra curricular stuff... there is so much room for improvement. We were all so overwhelmed their grades not only slipped, they fell, I need to work to get them back up. We have not eaten healthy in ages, and I need to have better food options for them. There are days I feel like they are screaming for attention... they are only receiving it from one parent now... I need to be there for all of it. While I am still having a hard time with religion right now, it was the church Kris and I wanted the kids raised in... so I need to make more of an effort to be there.

Myself-Here I feel there is lots of room for improvement. I have put on weight, I am not eating good, I feel gross all the time and tired. I need to deal a little better with my emotions, I need to take care of myself, stop biting my nails ( they are gross lately) I need time for me... if only to recharge.


Here is what I have realized about my huge goal list... It seems daunting, and you are not sure where to start. I was gripping to a neighbor about how disappointed in our lawn kris would be, but went on to say that I need the interior taken care of first though. Later in the same conversation, I broke down... I feel fat, and ugly and I don't feel like myself lately. SHe said to me very wisely I am like my house... while there are several things I want to fix... you can't worry about it until you have handled inside. How wise... so here I am, taking one thing form each to focus one.

School/work- I am in line to quit the one job, so do the best I can to keep up on school until then... there is an end in sight!

House- upstairs the started projects are nearing completion. Finish upstairs, clean it, then you can tackle the decorating one room at a time.

Family/kids- it is summer, let kids enjoy it. Sit down with bren to help him work on his packets (when I sit to do homework as well) Get organized for jobs before school so they can be expected to help.

Myself- get my sleep. if I am rested I will be able to take on other things much easier.

day 114... broken down

Venting...

I will probably hide this post further down and make it private until I post again... But I have to get some things off my chest...

I feel like I have been doing the best I can somedays, and overall I feel like I am doing pretty good! But then to have my in-laws, who granted they own the house, but of ALL the people who have lived here/rented since they moved out 14 years ago I personally put more into this house. But then they come 1 week a year and it happens to be the week I have finals. SO the house looks trashed because I keep kicking the kids out. it has also hit the hot weather time for Utah so our lawn looks a little dry. I admit I have forgotten a lot lately to turn on the water at night, but who are they to judge upon one visit what I am doing or not doing to their house? If they want to judge then they need to make more of an effort to come and expect it otherwise KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES!

Then after dealing with that (which by the way is after finals week as I mentioned and after the loss of a close family friend) I find that apparently my neighbors are having a problem with all the teenagers at my house, and in particular Brenton. I get some of the things I heard about, I ADDRESSED THEM, but they don't KNOW that because they went around my back to other neighbors and then my BIL to inform me. I feel their claims are without merit, Yes there are teens out late at my house, I prefer that to not knowing where they are, but I am close to the front and check on them continually, and make certain they are quiet after 10 on weekdays, and midnight on weekends, they are teens, and it is summer after all. If they have a sincere problem with that TELL ME! I will address their concerns, if they don't think I am parenting well talk to me. I am so angry that I am stuck to raise these kids alone without their father's influence, but I do feel he and I talked enough about how we raise them and what we want from them, I know what I am doing to a point. There is one week left before school, and I have told them that the late nights need to back off, so they can get back into the school schedule... But the vindictive part of me wants them to keep being up late daring them to call the cops!

I know I am far from perfect, but I have always felt I have really good kids overall. And I hate that since Kris passed I NEVER hear that, I only hear about what they are doing wrong. Were people just to afraid of Kris to confront him about it, or do they really think I am doing that poorly on my own? I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! I have quit 2 of my jobs, and it scares me a little because I worry about insurance and benefits from the one, and that small additional income from the other. But I think it will be best because it will give me more time home with them.

I am certain that because of these recent accusations that there is a world of gossip surrounding me having Bren's friends stay with us for a while... but I know it is the right thing to do. They mellow each other out, Bren and the twins... always have. And had it been anyone else I would have not been able to do it, but I truly love these boys like my own, always have. It is helping them out, and I don't care what others opinion of it is. I am not dumb and I do take every precaution, I do not go to sleep until they are all asleep, in their own beds, and I don't sleep sound anyway so I am continually checking in on them. I know there are certain to be things I am not completely aware of being the parent of teenagers it is delusional to otherwise, but I do feel I have a pretty good grasp on where they all are at.

I guess the main point of this post is to say COME TO ME AND TELL IT TO MY FACE, OR BUTT OUT!

Day 117... REALLY!

I have failed...

Kris and I had always talked and knew we would raise good kids because we could balance each other out. I feel like I am failing them now. I let things go because it is easier. I don't have the energy most days to follow through with punishments. I feel myself shutting down somedays. I hate that their friends are more important than me and their siblings... and their friends are always around so I can't say it to them, because it will make their friends feel bad. I love their friends and I am truly grateful they like to hang out around here, but why can I not get the balls to say NO? I feel like my naivety comes out through my parenting. I feel guilty because they have so much potential... I just need to push them. I need to be a better parent. I know Kris would be so disappointed in me... I am disappointed in me.

Day 113... WAKE UP CALL!

I am there...

I have had numerous people tell me they are worried I am overdoing it, concerned I am going to break, wonder how I can keep everything up. Well I am not. I have crumbled. I am so tired and exhausted the only thing I can think about at work, at school, in the car is sleep. I come home and neglect everything to go to bed. I am behind on homework, my house is in remodeling disarray, and a mess, I dread going to one job, which I am obligated to go for benefits, I am so sad I am not working my job with my friends, I feel I need that time with her, and I am really missing it. I hate that I am so exhausted in my favourite job. I still love going, but I feel like I have no energy for it. I NEVER have a day off, there is always something. I love my kids, but I am hating them home all day, my messy house has hit disaster stage, and I needed my alone time to be able to vent, cry, have a quiet moment to myself. I feel guilty going to the cemetery alone because I know they want to go, but lately that seems like my only place of solitude. AHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream I am done, and Stop everything... just for a little while until I am ready to catch up. I hate who I have became most of all. I am not a person who complains, I hate being a downer, I like to have happy chatter, not poor me, and I feel like that is all I am lately. I am so grateful for the help I have received from awesome friends, family and neighbors, but I hate asking for help. I like being independent, and I feel like if I need to ask I am not.

112... when can I be done?

Memorial Weekend Goals...

Here it is a weekend I have off, nothing big plan (except a wedding tonight) and I have informed my kids the are grounded for the weekend so we can accomplish LOTS!!! If big things don't happen then their summer is truly going to suck. So here is the to do list...

Finish kitchen... installed, painted, electric working... the works! (window and window sill will come later)

Finish the bedrooms/play room... Lay the last of the floor and finish connecting the rooms, paint the last two rooms and get them cleaned and organized... in the girls room finish the window and window sill... and check the electrical in there as well... boys and play room window to come later as well... Oh and I need to find a light fixture for the girls room.

So then I should have EVERYTHING done upstairs except the floor boards, a few more windows, and the bathrooms... those will be left for another project, another day.

Then I can also focus on the basement... my goal is the have the basement carpeted, organized, and my room and family room set up by mid July so we can enjoy it, and then all that will be left down there are windows and bathroom as well...

Day 111... UPSTAIRS DONE!!!

PS... if anyone reading this has any nothing better to do this weekend, I would LOVE any help I can get!!!

Too Much

When is enough enough? I am feeling so overwhelmed, exhausted, and confused. I never seem to have enough time, and there is so much to do, and I don't have the time to do it, or cope with it.

For starters... Kris. He passed 6 months ago, and while I find I can go longer stretches without breakdowns, but when they hit, they seem harder and harder. I like to think we are coping well, and tell the kids so, but I feel like it is eating away at me the pain of it.

Then add to that I am trying to make certain all of our dental, medical issues are being taken care of so the extra expenses of them can be handled right away. I am almost done with the dentist for the kids, and am starting to get mine finished up. And I am going in for lasik for my eyes on Tues. while I am excited about it, I am a little stressed.

Next is the house... I am slowly getting stuff bought, and ready for the house, but I am so busy lately and have no time to get it installed. I have offers to come help, but no time to be there to have them do it. And cleaning... I just get further and further behind, and hate being there because it just reminds of what all I need to do.

And School... really what was I thinking? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already lets add school to it! I just need to buck up and get through it, but some days it is so overwhelming. I hate being behind in my reading, and I feel like I am so exhausted trying to get it done.

Then work... I love my dance job and can't imagine not having it, but it is nearing recital time, a stressful time anyway, but add that it will not have Kris and it is sooo much worse. This is like another holiday for us... a week long one in which we practically move into Kingsbury Hall. Then Preschool, I love that because I feel I get to work with my best friends... and with school and having to keep ikea, I won't be able to work it, and that breaks my heart. Then there is IKEA... I have tried to manipulate and qualify for another health care, any health care, so I can quit it... but it is just not looking like it will work... so I am stuck there until I finish school and get a job with good insurance.

Lastly... FAMILY! I love my kids and there are days they are the only thing that gets me through... but I am so done with the fighting, it makes me scream and cuss, and I hate that side of me... and they just don't ever let up! Then my dad... I truly feel like in some ways he has abandoned me when I need him most, like at Kris's funeral when I feel like he was more concerned about his sister than me. He is the closest person to me who knows exactly what I am going through... but he has remained so distant. Then he has rushed into a new relationship and they are engaged after less than a month of dating. So once again when I feel I really need him for me and my kids, I feel like he is abandoning us. I really sincerely like his fiancée, but there are awkward issues involved as well, she is closer to my age than his, she has a son younger than my youngest... I just see a deja vu of my mom's resentment of her dad when he remarried. Grandpa was there for all HER children's and grandkids events, but was not there for her or her sisters and their kids. I feel like MOM is being forgotten. Dad didn't leave flowers or anything for her on mother's day, and he keeps calling his new bride to be the love of his life... SO WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE MOM? I think part of me fears that Kris will be forgotten like that. Then my in-laws are awesome, and very supportive, but then there are days they call to check on me, or stop by, and I feel like it turns into me giving them support, or comforting them. Please don't get me wrong, I love them and am grateful that I can be there in that way for them... but when is it my turn to lean on someone? I feel like all my support systems have their own lives and family to deal with, or are abandoning me in some way...

Finally there is my personal issues... I am feeling so FAT lately. I have no time to cook, and no talent for it either. So we have fast food all the time it seems. I have put on so much weight, I feel so gross... I hate looking at myself, I hate this lonely feeling... at night I feel like I eat from boredom more than anything, and I hate cooking because it just reminds me of another reason I am missing Kris sooo much, he was the best cook... why he did it and not me.

Day 110... There is my venting...

What was I thinking?

I am starting school on Monday, and have yet to get the house clean and in any sort of order. I have a new kitchen coming the end of May and several started and unfinished projects I need to complete, as well as recital time coming up. And that is not even counting the kids activities, kids school work, my jobs, kids summer camps and any other obligations that seem to continue to come up... add to that I have told the kiddos I would take them to Disneyland over Memorial Day weekend.

I am feeling so overwhelmed, and I have so much to do. I feel like I am always going, going going, and when I finally have a second at home, cleaning organizing and house repairs are the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to collapse, sleep, veg out watching TV or searching stuff online.

So How do I find motivation, time, energy to get it done?

Day 109... UGGGGHHHH

SICK

So I am going on day 4 of being sick. I am so irritated because I am on spring break. I planned on getting lots accomplished on the house and cleaning and errands done... instead I feel like I am on my death bed... laying there hoping I don't cough, wishing my throat didn't hurt, debating if I need an extra blanket or to take off the sweatshirt. The last 4 days have been such a blur, I wasn't certain what day it was until I looked it up... I have many a weird fever induced dreams, realized I hadn't actually brushed my hair since Friday, and just now trying to clean some laundry that is still comfy for laying around ill.

Now to the goal... To simplify my major cleaning plans to include just the upstairs... I think that is still doable... with my kids help of course. Oh yeah, and I still have Easter shopping to do, and I wanted to get family pics done... another thing on hold... GRRRR

Day 108... feel better

All or Nothing

That has been how I lived my life since I can remember. My house is either ALL spotless and everything in it's place, or it is total chaos. I can either put everything into a project and get it done quickly, or I mentally shut down and can't motivate myself to do anything.

That is where I think I am at. I have mentally shut down. I am tired and exhausted by the end of each day, and find myself so tired I can barely keep my eyes open... until 3 am, when I can't get myself to go to sleep.

I am trying to arrange and work things out so a few things can happen. I can free up my schedule a little and be able to keep up on the house a little more. And I am trying to finish up projects on the house so we can get back to my organized life.

Kris was big on a little is better than none. He would get the worst part of the mess picked up and pile the rest for me to go through later... I hated it and it drove me crazy. Now I am wishing I could get it to that point... tidy, with a few piles... but clean. I now have a couple deadlines. I think that will help if anyone wants something to do next week let me know... I am sure I can use it.

Day 107... ALL

Lists...

I am a list girl, my mom was a list person, Kris was NOT a list person, he would get annoyed. He thought I was more worried about the lists then just doing it to get them done.

I have so many lists I am tired of keeping track. A list for home improvements, a list for call I need to make, a list of appointments I need to keep, a grocery list for home depot, the grocery store, and a list of to get done for work, see now I am even making a list of my lists... will it never end?

I am starting to think my hubby had a point to forgetting about the lists and just doing what needs to be done (although the last few months he would get annoyed if I didn't make a list of which kids had to be where each day, he acted annoyed for a while so I stopped writing them, then when he said in a fight once how he missed things because I stopped making him a list, i told him I stopped cause he acted annoyed with it, he replied it was a to do list, of course I was annoyed... but I still did it and it helped me remember)

So here it is the goal behind this here rant. Condense lists. I see the usefulness in them, I just think perhaps I reply on them a little more than I should. Rather than trying to get them written so I can cross them off is not a good reason for them, writing them so I don't forget what I need to get done is a much better reason for them.

day 106... simplify lists

Not myself

Lately I am feeling fat, tired, run down, sick, just not the me I like at all. I am trying my antidepressants again, and trying to cut down on fast food. I know that is a huge reason for me feeling gross... and why I have put on so much weight. I have a pass to the gym, I need to use it. I know how to eat right, I need to do it. So here is my ME goal. To try to find a diet and a time to workout that works for ME.

I have taken off the last day of March to attempt to get me house in as much ORDER as I can, so I can start April in a positive direction. Eating right, exercising, organized etc. Then hopefully some of the major projects I am working on in the house can be accomplished before school starts for me.

If anyone wants to join me in my deep cleaning Thursday, come on by! If you want to start dieting, and exercising with me give me a call as well.

I am NOT by nature the person who is overweight and feeling bleh, I am in a much better mood when I work out, and eat right... it just takes some focus on my part to do so. I am also the person who likes everything in a place and organized... I hate half assing cleaning, little piles annoy me more than the chaos my house is in. I am an all or nothing kinda gal you could say... and I am DONE with the nothing and ready to have it all... well all I can.

Day 105... back to the real me, I hope

Why me?

So after posting my "plan" and how overwhelmed I have been, a couple things I tried to face burst my bubble. 1) I was counting on qualifying for Medicaid, or at least CHIP (government sponsored healthcare) SO I could quit my insurance job making time for school. Well we don't qualify, because while I DON'T count the kids SS Survivor benefits for taxes, bank loans, grants, etc. Apparently it counts when applying for government health care help. So we make too much to qualify, and because I have a job that offers benefits, I can't qualify for CHIP for the kids, and if I quit so I can qualify, they will suspend me from applying to the program.

So I was counting on the government helping with that so when I go to school, I didn't have to worrying about working for benefits, and paying for them. So because of this my first choice of schools I was accepted to is too expensive being a private school. I liked this school because it was closer, smaller classes, I could finish quicker, they accepted more of my extra transfer classes than other schools, and they guaranteed job placement after I graduated.So I am going to apply to one more school and see if I can get in and whether or not I qualify.

I am just frustrated because I feel I am back to taking 2 steps forward and 3 back. I can't quit my benefits job now because we need those for our family, and I can't afford a cobra. The only hope is that IF I do quit I can apply for UPP a government program that helps cover a COBRA if I qualify for one. But if I quit and don't qualify, I am back to square one with no insurance. So here I go back to square one in some things... still overwhelmed in everything else...

And to top it off it has been a rather difficult few weeks. There is something in the air that has just set ALL of us off much quicker.

Day 104... What next?

Somethings got to go...

But what? I am finding myself more and more overwhelmed lately. No time for anything that needs to be done. Between work and kids and all the busy paper work and house repairs needing to be done, I am mentally checking out most days. I HATE this about me. I was looking through old pictures and saw my kids younger. I was always the mom that made certain they looked cute, hair was done, bathed etc. Nowadays I am lucky if they get out of the house in a clean shirt.

I feel like there is so much that needs to be done, and I need to do, I can't give anything up yet. I know some people thing my kids are too busy and I should cut some of their things... but them keeping busy and active is what helps them cope best. I know with all my jobs, the idea of going back to school seems ludicrous, but I have a STRONG feeling about this. This is what will be best for us overall. It will be a career, similar hours to all of theirs, and it will give me something to stay busy when they are grown. SO for 2 years of working hard, I think the benefits will out way the sacrifice (I hope).

I love my jobs with my "family" and can't imagine giving those up completely EVER. Besides overall they do not take up too much time... in truth it is the kids schedules there that take up the time. My other job I know i will have to eventually give up... It is currently only paying for benefits, and while I am not receiving any paycheck from them now and I am surviving, I will be fine. But I need to stick it out until I verify I have benefits from medicaid.

I think what is stressing me is the housework, and paperwork. Stuff that needs to get done, but is is so consuming and overwhelming. I don't know where to start, and once I find a place and get going something else comes up, or one of the kids need to be somewhere, or someone stops by to "check" on me.

I can just feel myself shutting down somedays... Now don't get me wrong I do find time for myself, or get out with friends on an occasional evening... but then I feel guilty because I should have been doing something else, something more productive.

I feel so exhausted lately, and my head feels a constant throbbing. I know I am getting burned out, but I just don't know when to say NO or enough is enough... I think because I feel I can't yet.

Day 103... when is enough enough?

Jobs and Friends...

So with it getting closer and closer to school starting for me, I keep looking forward to dropping one of my other jobs to make it work. And while I am really looking forward to having one less obligation (well replacing it really), and thinking how nice it will be to be done with it, I realize what a huge blessing it has been. I have gotten so close to some of my co-workers, I will miss them terribly. But I am so grateful for the bond I have with them.

I am LOVING these girls. I have been so touched and gotten so close to them, I hate the idea of not seeing them at least weekly. While there have been several other perks to this temporary job... I KNOW the biggest was meeting them... Who knew in a years time you could bond so close to some people. I LOVE you guys... I hope you all know who you are... if not I will message ya later... hee hee..

Day 102... bonds

Ugh...

So lately I feel like not only am I overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, but I have no motivation either. That could be from several things. Stress, too busy, kids don't help like they should... the list could go on. But my gut feeling is a big part of it is I am slipping into my depression... so I am going to try my medication, so if you see me this next month, just check if I took it. Also if you have a day free and have nothing to do, give me a call... you can help in my mission for massive organization... I have a deadline now as I am trying to start school this summer semester. That is all for now. Thanks

Day 101... A pick me up

The PLAN

So here it is... My Plan.

I am now faced with raising 4 kids alone. So I feel like I need to have some things in my life put in order. So here it is, my plans laid out.

WORK/SCHOOL: I am currently working 3 jobs, I teach dance, preschool and work as a cashier in a restaurant. I have my AS in English and I am planning on finishing school for my teaching certificate. I am waiting for verification on which school I will be attending then depending on which I will start ASAP or summer semester. When I begin full time in summer I will need to drop my cashier job (which has been for insurance only anyway, and I will qualify for medicaid now) Then I will finish school in hopefully a year and a half. So then I will hopefully quickly get a job teaching... but will still continue teaching dance.

HOUSE: We are working on fixing it up a little at a time. But hopefully we can get it done rather quickly. Let me know if you have any housing repair expertise that you would be willing to share with us...
As far as cleaning and organizing goes to get it ready for repairs, I am hoping to take a couple days to just bust it out. I need to purge some of our junk so if you are making a trip to DI let me know... I may have some extra items you can drag along.

I know there were other "plans" I was going to mention... got kinda tired explaining everything repeatedly... but I can't recall them right now, I will edit this when I remember them.

Day 100... BIG PLANS

Dinner group...

Here is my latest goal... and it would be fun to have some help with it... Since hubby passed, my poor kids have been living on fast food... so my sister was trying to get ready for her new baby, and wanted to stock up on frozen food dinners, and she had a great cook book with recipes as well... as a great idea for a "group" where friends make a bunch of one meal and then the group gets together and trade, so then you have several different meals in the freezer, ready to go when needed.

So here is what I am hoping for... 6 to 12 friends, family, neighbors, etc. Who live near and would want to start a dinner share group. It would cut drastically on my fast food budget and get me cooking healthier for my family. It will help save time on busy night, and with 4 kids it is ALWAYS busy... let me know if you are interested... post a comment, or message me... I would love to get it going sometime this month, the sooner the better.

Day 99... dinner exchange group

Determined...

My eating habits while coping are NOT good... When I lost my mom, I wouldn't eat all day, then eat a whole pan of brownies alone... I would work out, but very sporadically... not enough to do me any good. With Kris, it has been the same... not eating, then binging.. occasionally working out, but nothing regular. I understand now it is even harder to fit in my workouts, with myself doing the work of two parents, but if I really want this, I will find time, right?

So here it is... I AM DONE eating crappy food that is not good for me. Now I know once in a while is okay AS LONG AS I am working out regularly. I find time to park my butt online each day... so I need to just find time to get to the gym.

I am determined to stick with this, I can not go on being so disgusted with out I look each day. So please offer any encourage you can if you see I am doing well. Thanks... I will post my triumphs on FB... here's hoping there are many...

Day 98... GO ME!

Inspired

One of my frequent goals on here is getting in shape... and I really do want to accomplish this, now more than ever. I have been making excuse after excuse, and I am finally getting to where life is slowing down, or at least getting into a routine, and I intend to be certain a workout needs to be a part of that.

A couple friends and I went to see Burlesque... I loved it, sure there were a few cheesy parts in it, but it was fun, and the costumes were so fun... I want to be able to get into something like that and feel good about myself.

So here it is, a year from today I intend to be drastically closer to that goal... looking good, in shape... no bulges or rippled in the wrong place. I know I can do this, I just need to act on that... wish me luck

Day 97... burlesque

Compliments

I have never taken compliments well, at all... not sure why, just never have. When we were first dating Kris would compliment me, how I looked, how I danced, something I did... and I would simply blow it off. Say "whatever" Laugh, make some dumb joke, etc. So shortly after we were married he finally started telling me after I got complimented and tried to blow it off, "Just say thank you". After a few years when I still would tend to blow it off he started complimenting me, and before I could blow it off, would make a joke, or some funny comment... taking away my chance to blow it off.

I have found myself blowing off compliments again, and saying whatever again... haven't said that for YEARS... Someone complimented me the other day and it reminded me of this. So my goal... "Just say Thank You"

Day 96... Thank You

School...

If I go full time, I only have a year and a half left to finish my teaching certificate in English (Now you know my majors, no judging me on typos, and grammar, and spelling, I am just impatient and hate going back). I was planning on getting everything in line to go back this winter quarter... and I could if I pushed it and tried... but after lots of thought I decided that I will go back Next quarter. That will give me time to get my house in order, and set up for returning to school and a life of more chaos than I am already in.

I need to make certain my kids are doing their best in school before I worry about mine. I need to get our house in order and livable, there is far too much clutter and disorder, and without me enforcing it stay that way, the kids don't bother either. If I can get it so everything is in it's place, and the kids know what is expected of them it will be a much easier transition into back to school. Also I need to find the time to fit in classes. I don't have enough time now to get simple chores accomplished, How can I hope to accomplish things if I am even more busy.

I am NOT simply putting it off. It will ultimately be the best thing for me and the kids, having a professional job, with days and hours matching the kids, with benefits available to me. I would be able to quick my extra insurance only job, but keep my teaching job I love...

Day 95... School on hold... Lots to catch up on...

Vent...

So I am tired of people I usually simply tolerate, trying to be extra nice. They say the wrong things, and sound very fake coming from them... especially the "at least his not in pain now" thing... it is just the same trite things people say thinking it is giving comfort. But then don't go from being your phony nice and ask for something...

I am just really tired of the phony BS I think. Especially from phony people. If you are sincere follow your words with actions... offer to help, don't pretend. That is the other thing... if you are going to post to your social online world MY business... follow through... come SEE what I need... don't use me for your show.

I was grateful I had learned last year to be a gracious recipient of generosity... but being someone's charity case is another story. Don't use my situation to make yourself appear like a better person. Step up and be a better person, without try to win pity for me.

And if I am wanting to be generous, or helpful... I know my limits, let me do so. I enjoy being the thoughtful generous one occasionally... I wasn't always a charity case... and won't always be.

Now don't misunderstand my rant as I am ungrateful... quite the contrary... I am overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity shown. I have not gotten out "thank yous" because the list is so long it is one of my overwhelming tasks I keep putting off.

Day 94... Thanks... but no thanks...

New Years Resolutions...

I have never been big on resolutions... like my goals they are usually just lip service... but I thought this year needed to be different. I need to set goals that I can accomplish and better myself and my family... since I am now the only adult in this family. So here are my goals to accomplish, or start, or work on this year.

1) get in shape. Eat better, exercise, make sure I go to the doctor when needed and keep up on check-ups. How else can I make sure I am here for my kids if I am not setting a good example, and I know it will help me get through this tough year of firsts...

2) I am going to set up a budget and get my finances in order so I always know where i stand, and can start saving up.

3) I am going to finish up school so that I can have a career that will provide a more stable income for my family.

4) My biggest is I am going to get my home organized. This is going to be the biggest to help out on the rest, and take a lot of time to there. Everyone has asked how they can help... beware this is where I may call for help.