Depression

I am depressed. There are days like today where I spend every minute in bed. I go to sleep wishing I didn't have to wake up. I am not suicidal, but days like today, it is a very fine line. I feel hopeless. Alone. Lonely. Crippled. Worthless. And no matter How much I know these things aren't true, when this heavy weight comes upon me, they feel like the only things that are true in this world.
I get the most dark, disturbing thoughts flashing through my head, that I feel like I can't escape them. I think of all these ways to escape this feeling, but I am reminded of my kids and how it will affect them. But that is not the worst part of this feeling. The worst part is the battle in my head to convince myself I am wrong and that my kids need me. That I will be missed.
My impression of reality is so skewed that I feel I have hit so low I can't recover. But I do. I do every day I have something going on, out of necessity.
I continually am asked why I don't slow down and cut back on what I have going on, but I can't. It is when I have nothing going on, my kids have their own plans, I don't have work, or school, or anything else I have committed myself to be somewhere, that I get this low.
And it isn't a planned thing, or even sudden. I think how nice it will be to sleep in for once, and then I wake up and I see my kids all have plans, and don't need me. And I think I don't have to do anything. And I just go back to sleep, feeling useless, and alone. And then I have no one that really cares about me. No one checking on me if I am ok. No one invested in my well being, except me. And that is the most empty lonely feeling I have ever felt. I know there are people I could reach out to, but it is hard to admit to your own shortcomings. Especially when you already feel you are pitied by everyone who knows you.
I try to come across as confident, and sure of myself, and strong for my children. But it is tough when the walls seem to keep getting broken down, and you are the only one trying to build them up. There are always cracks, and holes that doubts can slip into easier each time.
Help.

Why do I pick on myself...

Let me start by saying I have several flaws, and many things I am not proud of, and I hope my kids can one day see that I really did my best. I am also certain that if I was better, better at planning, finances, organization, I could be better now. I feel like there are about 3 times a year I hit this point of hopelessness and pity for myself, and my life I am living. I question why I bother doing what I do. I wonder whether I am a good enough parent to my kids. I have an overwhelming sense of self doubt that it creeps so far into my life, I don't realize it until I feel it has permanently taken residence, and nothing short of an exorcism can remove it from my thoughts. These thoughts some how take over despite evidence that I am doing a decent jobs in most aspects of my life. I really do have good kids, and sure like any kids they have their moments, they are teenagers after all. I have continually been blessed, after a day of stressing over finances an angel left money in an envelope on my door. easing most of my pressing financial stresses. I admit I choose to keep busy, I don't like being at home. But because of that my house is always a mess. I know it is coming up on the anniversary of Kris's death, and I try to not let it affect me, and try not to let the kids see it affect me, but it does! Each year it brings with it another reminder of what I lost, questions about what I am missing, or what I could still have. I feel myself shutting down.

Kids vs. Electronics

I will admit, I love my phone and all the technology connected to it probably as much if not more than the next guy. It is my life line to my kids, to family, to school, to work, I rely on it heavily. And while I stress on those occasional days, or hours, the phone dies, or I leave it at home, I can also admit it is actually nice being out of touch with the world briefly. But this is not one of those posts, to disconnect.

I also admit that I am one of those mom's who allows her children to be involved in everything they want to try, making it tough to get to every event with with kids who each have a couple extra curriculars. And while I am secretly glad when a child decides to discontinue something expensive and time consuming, it is a relief. But not one of those posts either.

Why do we as parents invest so much into our kids extra curricular things, but then choose to focus on our flappy bird score rather than our little girl who is checking every 5 minutes making sure we are watching them? It breaks my heart a little when a 3 year old stops dancing because she can't se her mom or dad watching, when the other girls parents are fully attentive. It makes me even more sad when the number of observing parents dwindle as the child ages. Or because it is not a full contact sport, it doesn't hold their dad's attention.

I know that this is not every parent, but it is enough of a pattern I see it with every class I teach. Parents pouring over their phone, or other technical device, while their child is trying her best to compete for a brief glance.

I am guilty of this with my boys, I am clueless when it comes to football, so when my son isn't on the field, I am reading one of my school books. (A full time mom and student, I have to find time to study where I can, I'm not proud of this choice though.) I see the hurt in my son's face when I accidentally miss a great play, and it crushes me. It is the same look I see on my little dancers when their dad disappeared out of site of the window. But still we pile our whole family to watch weekly sports games, why can't we support the arts the same? Watch a weekly class, and by watch I don't been glance up everytime you need to reset your angry bird game.

Why can't we as parents give our children our full attention when we are allowing them to participate in these activities? We are showing our kids that what they care about is not as important as the technology on our phone. We need to show our children we are invested in them, myself included.