Why do I pick on myself...

Let me start by saying I have several flaws, and many things I am not proud of, and I hope my kids can one day see that I really did my best. I am also certain that if I was better, better at planning, finances, organization, I could be better now. I feel like there are about 3 times a year I hit this point of hopelessness and pity for myself, and my life I am living. I question why I bother doing what I do. I wonder whether I am a good enough parent to my kids. I have an overwhelming sense of self doubt that it creeps so far into my life, I don't realize it until I feel it has permanently taken residence, and nothing short of an exorcism can remove it from my thoughts. These thoughts some how take over despite evidence that I am doing a decent jobs in most aspects of my life. I really do have good kids, and sure like any kids they have their moments, they are teenagers after all. I have continually been blessed, after a day of stressing over finances an angel left money in an envelope on my door. easing most of my pressing financial stresses. I admit I choose to keep busy, I don't like being at home. But because of that my house is always a mess. I know it is coming up on the anniversary of Kris's death, and I try to not let it affect me, and try not to let the kids see it affect me, but it does! Each year it brings with it another reminder of what I lost, questions about what I am missing, or what I could still have. I feel myself shutting down.