So I was one of the kids room mothers every year, until 2010 (I had started the year with a co-room mom, but she took over when Kris died). I remember Kris asking why I was going to all the effort to make Halloween treats for the kindergarten my first year so over the top. (I admit, look ing back it was way more effort then it was worth) I remember answering "because I like to be that mom, that has it together enough to go over the top for her kids."
That was Brenton's first year in school, my first as a room mom. I had done cutesy stuff for the preschool kids, but that was fun for work. Fast forward 13 years. I am the mom who was not on top of asking what exactly I need to have done for Brenton's Eagle court of honor, so in a couple hours we will be attending his awards ceremony without the rewards, no pins, no badges, no fancy display of his accomplishments throughout his life as a scout.
So besides the obvious life changing experience of losing my husband, what changed? I screw up like this all the time, flake on things that are important to my kids, whose parents make the effort to be on top of it and accomplish what needs to be done. I get so depressed I just can't function. I wish I could blame it all on Kris's death, but I neglectful long before. Was it too much pressure to always be cutesy, I gave up on even being decent?
I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mom... I had never desired to even. It was Kris who from the beginning of our dating told me he couldn't wait to be a dad, so why the hell is he the one who died? While this was never in my list of what I wanted to do when I grew up, it was definitely something I needed. I have learned I can't be the perfect cutesy mom all the time, besides she had no life and it was exhausting. i hate being the flake mom I am now, not there enough for my kids, pushing them to get done what they need to, and falling way short on the bare minimum requirements of a somewhat decent parent. But I realize I need to pull my head, and make an effort to be better.
I wrote before this about how I have realized that I was forced to be independent, but then if I am so damn independent, why the hell am not getting everything together I should be? Why am I not taking advantage of those who offer help? Am I too proud? Perhaps it is because I feel it is not from the people I need help from, my family, Kris's family. I feel like more and more they expect me to be doing fine on my own. I wish they realized I do too, and the fact that I am not is painful to admit.
I am so grateful for my kids, and this makes it sound like I am not in some ways. They have saved me more times than they know. I know I would not have come as far as I have since losing Kris if it wasn't for them. I think perhaps that is why I am beating myself up so much when I make these big screw ups! I guess I just wish close family and friends would realize that as far as I have come in the last 2 and a half years, I still have a lot to go as I still miss Kris so much, especially on days like today where he should be here for his son receiving his Eagle Scout award.
I am hiding in the bathroom because I hate letting my kids see me breakdown... but I didn't get here fast enough and I got mad at them... what kind of decent parent does that?
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Rediscovering ME!
I have always thought of myself as pretty independent, but until recently asked in a college class I never truly examined it. While I have always had that independent attitude, until it was forced upon me, I never was truly independent.
I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.
In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.
So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.
I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.
I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.
I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.
I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.
In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.
So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.
I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.
I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.
I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.
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