Bad mom moments...

So I was one of the kids room mothers every year, until 2010 (I had started the year with a co-room mom, but she took over when Kris died). I remember Kris asking why I was going to all the effort to make Halloween treats for the kindergarten my first year so over the top. (I admit, look ing back it was way more effort then it was worth) I remember answering "because I like to be that mom, that has it together enough to go over the top for her kids."

That was Brenton's first year in school, my first as a room mom. I had done cutesy stuff for the preschool kids, but that was fun for work. Fast forward 13 years. I am the mom who was not on top of asking what exactly I need to have done for Brenton's Eagle court of honor, so in a couple hours we will be attending his awards ceremony without the rewards, no pins, no badges, no fancy display of his accomplishments throughout his life as a scout.

So besides the obvious life changing experience of losing my husband, what changed? I screw up like this all the time, flake on things that are important to my kids, whose parents make the effort to be on top of it and accomplish what needs to be done. I get so depressed I just can't function. I wish I could blame it all on Kris's death, but I neglectful long before. Was it too much pressure to always be cutesy, I gave up on even being decent?

I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mom... I had never desired to even. It was Kris who from the beginning of our dating told me he couldn't wait to be a dad, so why the hell is he the one who died? While this was never in my list of what I wanted to do when I grew up, it was definitely something I needed. I have learned I can't be the perfect cutesy mom all the time, besides she had no life and it was exhausting. i hate being the flake mom I am now, not there enough for my kids, pushing them to get done what they need to, and falling way short on the bare minimum requirements of a somewhat decent parent. But I realize I need to pull my head, and make an effort to be better.

I wrote before this about how I have realized that I was forced to be independent, but then if I am so damn independent, why the hell am not getting everything together I should be? Why am I not taking advantage of those who offer help? Am I too proud? Perhaps it is because I feel it is not from the people I need help from, my family, Kris's family. I feel like more and more they expect me to be doing fine on my own. I wish they realized I do too, and the fact that I am not is painful to admit.

I am so grateful for my kids, and this makes it sound like I am not in some ways. They have saved me more times than they know. I know I would not have come as far as I have since losing Kris if it wasn't for them. I think perhaps that is why I am beating myself up so much when I make these big screw ups! I guess I just wish close family and friends would realize that as far as I have come in the last 2 and a half years, I still have a lot to go as I still miss Kris so much, especially on days like today where he should be here for his son receiving his Eagle Scout award.

I am hiding in the bathroom because I hate letting my kids see me breakdown... but I didn't get here fast enough and I got mad at them... what kind of decent parent does that?