Rediscovering ME!

I have always thought of myself as pretty independent, but until recently asked in a college class I never truly examined it. While I have always had that independent attitude, until it was forced upon me, I never was truly independent.

I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.

In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.

So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.

I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.

I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.

I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.