Sleeping my life away...

Depression sucks. I should know, I have battled since I was about 10. It just sucks. I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do to get going, and yet I struggle to do it. Instead I let it win, I let sleep overcome me and spend every free minute sleeping away my life. I don't spend it with my kids, or cleaning house. At least when Kris was here he would harass me and get me going, get me to the Dr. for meds, or drag me to do things with the kids. now I have just gotten good at hiding from friends and family, and my kids who have a tendency for depression, just let me be and sink into their own depression. What kind of shitty example am I? I only do the few things I am obligated to. I show up for jobs, to things the kids need to get to, or I need to go to for them, etc. Church has gotten too easy to get out of, I can find an excuse really easy to not go. Dating for a while was a good way to get out of the house, until all the guys I met online dating turned out to be creeps or losers, and you get really tired of telling your story over and over again. So somehow I need to find something to motivate me. Something to get me going in the morning and make me want to do something besides sleep. I miss Kris, I miss going out with friends, but couples don't invite me anymore because I am a reminder that he is gone, girls nights don't happen often because again they have their husband to go home to and I am a depressing reminder of a worst case scenario. I have a couple single friends but they are busy with younger kids, or are bitter to be around, and girls are drama. I miss school. School is something I do for me, even when I complain about it, it is purely for me. I like that I have to pay for it because then I am obligated to it like a job. I miss my old life, I miss Kris, I need him, he is what kept me going. Kept our family going, kept his and my family going... I just miss him. I miss being a part of a couple. I think that is why I prefer to sleep my life away, it is easier than facing this depressing real life I live in.