Too Much

When is enough enough? I am feeling so overwhelmed, exhausted, and confused. I never seem to have enough time, and there is so much to do, and I don't have the time to do it, or cope with it.

For starters... Kris. He passed 6 months ago, and while I find I can go longer stretches without breakdowns, but when they hit, they seem harder and harder. I like to think we are coping well, and tell the kids so, but I feel like it is eating away at me the pain of it.

Then add to that I am trying to make certain all of our dental, medical issues are being taken care of so the extra expenses of them can be handled right away. I am almost done with the dentist for the kids, and am starting to get mine finished up. And I am going in for lasik for my eyes on Tues. while I am excited about it, I am a little stressed.

Next is the house... I am slowly getting stuff bought, and ready for the house, but I am so busy lately and have no time to get it installed. I have offers to come help, but no time to be there to have them do it. And cleaning... I just get further and further behind, and hate being there because it just reminds of what all I need to do.

And School... really what was I thinking? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already lets add school to it! I just need to buck up and get through it, but some days it is so overwhelming. I hate being behind in my reading, and I feel like I am so exhausted trying to get it done.

Then work... I love my dance job and can't imagine not having it, but it is nearing recital time, a stressful time anyway, but add that it will not have Kris and it is sooo much worse. This is like another holiday for us... a week long one in which we practically move into Kingsbury Hall. Then Preschool, I love that because I feel I get to work with my best friends... and with school and having to keep ikea, I won't be able to work it, and that breaks my heart. Then there is IKEA... I have tried to manipulate and qualify for another health care, any health care, so I can quit it... but it is just not looking like it will work... so I am stuck there until I finish school and get a job with good insurance.

Lastly... FAMILY! I love my kids and there are days they are the only thing that gets me through... but I am so done with the fighting, it makes me scream and cuss, and I hate that side of me... and they just don't ever let up! Then my dad... I truly feel like in some ways he has abandoned me when I need him most, like at Kris's funeral when I feel like he was more concerned about his sister than me. He is the closest person to me who knows exactly what I am going through... but he has remained so distant. Then he has rushed into a new relationship and they are engaged after less than a month of dating. So once again when I feel I really need him for me and my kids, I feel like he is abandoning us. I really sincerely like his fiancée, but there are awkward issues involved as well, she is closer to my age than his, she has a son younger than my youngest... I just see a deja vu of my mom's resentment of her dad when he remarried. Grandpa was there for all HER children's and grandkids events, but was not there for her or her sisters and their kids. I feel like MOM is being forgotten. Dad didn't leave flowers or anything for her on mother's day, and he keeps calling his new bride to be the love of his life... SO WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE MOM? I think part of me fears that Kris will be forgotten like that. Then my in-laws are awesome, and very supportive, but then there are days they call to check on me, or stop by, and I feel like it turns into me giving them support, or comforting them. Please don't get me wrong, I love them and am grateful that I can be there in that way for them... but when is it my turn to lean on someone? I feel like all my support systems have their own lives and family to deal with, or are abandoning me in some way...

Finally there is my personal issues... I am feeling so FAT lately. I have no time to cook, and no talent for it either. So we have fast food all the time it seems. I have put on so much weight, I feel so gross... I hate looking at myself, I hate this lonely feeling... at night I feel like I eat from boredom more than anything, and I hate cooking because it just reminds me of another reason I am missing Kris sooo much, he was the best cook... why he did it and not me.

Day 110... There is my venting...