Guilt

Since my hubby died I have had a lot of guilt, guilt thinking I should have called for help sooner, guilt I wasn't more aware of how sick he had been, guilt for not spending every possible second with him before I lost him.

I have also used guilt on my kids much more frequently since he has passed, dad wouldn't let you do that, would dad be okay with that, would dad approve of your choices?

And now I am feeling especially guilty because I have tons of well meaning family and friends who are simply worried about me and want to check up on me... but I am ignoring my door, my phone and messages on facebook.

I know I tend to sleep lots when I get depressed, and I have slept lots today, but I feel like I just need that time for me to cope... and I have had every possible way of coping go through my thoughts since I have locked myself away this afternoon. I have screamed, cried, sobbed in the shower, cleaned out his clothes, done some dishes, sorted the front closet, read his obituary over and over again, yelled at him, screamed at God for taking him, laid perfectly still willing myself to feel him, watching parts of his favourite movies, listened to his music. I just feel so lost with out him, I am not even sure where to begin coping.

So I apologize to my friends and family for the ignoring you, but please give me my space for today... besides there is a storm in case you haven't heard, and I want everyone I know safe at home.

Day 81... guilty