With every step of this process it makes the horror I am going through more and more real. We dressed him today. The kids were so tough, I think it was good for them. I hope it wasn't too much, I try to protect them from too much pain, but I don't know what is too much. There is no handbook for helping your children deal with the loss of a parent.
I slept almost all through the night last night, and I almost feel guilty for it. I liked knowing it was too hard to get through the night without him... but I did. I have had all the kids in my bed and I think that has helped.
I am so glad he is at peace now, not haunted by dreams, and no longer sick and in pain... but now I am in pain. I feel like all my basic needs, eating sleeping, have to be forced now. I don't eat until I have gone so long and it is forced on me. I don't sleep until it has been a whole week and then I sleep all night out of exhaustion.
Today we are going to have to get through the viewing, I know there are going to be so many people and I am not sure I am ready to handle this.
Part of me feels guilty for so many aspects of his death, perhaps if I had been stronger in the church I wouldn't have to be tested, perhaps if I had called sooner he would still be here, I try not to dwell on those, but when I am alone that is what goes through my head, is all the guilty and every way I could have been able to prevent this.
Everyone tells me I am being soo strong and handling things so well... are they forgetting I have 4 children I have to be strong for? How would they know how well or not well I am handling this? Or they are telling me I have done good at setting things up up or planning the funeral, I have only done well at this because of knowing how to do it when I lost my mom.
Today my goal is to make certain the kids are doing okay, it is the viewing and we are going to try to go see a movie before so there is something else to talk about and remember... I know he would want that, the night before he died we watched the previous movie so we were ready for the next one to come out. I am still shocked it has been a week since we lost him.
Day 80...okay?
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Don't you dare feel guilty for sleeping through the night. You need all your strength to get your kids through this, and Kris wants you to take good care of yourself too.
ReplyDeleteDoes it irritate you when people tell you that you are being strong? To me, just the fact that you don't curl up in a completely immobile and comatose ball and refuse to face it makes you incredibly strong. I know you don't feel strong, or feel like being strong, but that you are doing your best for your kids is so inspiring to me and I'm sure that is what everyone means.
I know I keep saying it, but I REALLY want you to know it, that I am HERE for you. I am bringing your computer back to you today. See you then. Love you.