Money...

Not gonna lie, I hate it. I hate worrying about it, not having enough of it, coming up with it. Last year generous people helped me get to a point where I felt I was in a good position financially, sure I had a lot of crap to get through and overcome, but now a year later, when I thought I was good, I had my rent paid ahead for Christmas, and I been certain I had enough to pay the last major thing I needed to. Then I need to find somewhere else to live. Right before the holidays, so money I thought I had for kids and Christmas, and my last thing to pay with Kris's passing, now has to go to a deposit on a rental home.

I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...

So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.

Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.

Day 123... grrr... money

Can I be done with these damn trials?

I am so done with things piling up. We have made it a year... which is HUGE, it means we know we can do it again. (I learned that with my mom). But the week of his passing brought on more than I was ready for. A friend needed a quick place to stay when her room she was renting went bad, so I offered to stay with us temporarily. Which turned out more temporary than I could have thought, the week after my in-laws informed me that I need to be out be the first of January. This on top of the anniversary of Kris's passing (plus my friend/roommate lost her dad that week, AND Kris's uncle passed as well.
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.

Day 122... broken

Wednesday IS the Day!!!

I will get money, I will resign up at my gym, I will start on some diet drops to kick start my weight loss, I will be productive on my day off, and I will get some order and organization in my life. I am trying desperately to finish up ANY paper work that has to do with Kris and his passing by the first anniversary... I just want it done! I feel like I am myself drowning... I am losing myself to everything else I have going on in my life. I need to be organized and happy with myself if I expect my kids to be that way as well. How can I expect them to be productive and organized if I am not setting that example? So I am going to get there, and Wednesday is the day! Although  I am going to start my running tonight!

Day 121... THE DAY!

Dropped...

I finally have admitted it to myself, I have taken on a little too much... so I did it, I dropped a class at school. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are now free, which is just what I have needed a day to myself... except I am not using it like i should, I have spend the last couple of them curled up in bed after I get the kids off to school. I am feeling so overwhelmed with some of my classes... I really wish I could just go and listen and participate for credit... but I need to write the papers that go along with it.

I wish I could drop all this extra weight I have put on since he has been gone... I am the heaviest I have EVER been... even with ALL my pregnancies. I find myself eating late at night, I have no energy for exercising because I can't sleep... or I sleep too much.

I need to clean my house, but can't bring myself to get it done, I have no time nor energy. I get some help from the kids, but they have their things they need to do as well. I figure I have survived the year from hell without him by letting some things go. It is coming up on eleven months and I am an emotional wreck! I feel like I have barely functioned through this year... but I functioned. I need to make this next year better, for all of us.

SO my goal with this post... drop the excuses... and make a commitment to get my house in order before our one year mark. DO it for him... I have never been a good housekeeper, EVER, I would only do it to impress him... unless he asked me then my stubborn streak would kick in and I would not touch a thing until he backed off... I miss him...

Day 120... Drop the excuses!

A simple solution/goal

So my house is slowly getting to where I want it to be... Clean and organized. I feel I cannot continue with the repairs until I finish started projects, and get the house clean and organized so I can attack one project effectively at a time. I am glad I am "paid" up on rent through December... however if I can get stuff gone to get ahead I will gladly do so. So here is the goal. If I can get through a pile/bucket/basket a day, and organize, junk, assign it a place I will eventually get things done. Then it will be much more doable. So that is my goal, I am hoping to have it done before the holidays. If anyone who is bored and reads my poor me blogs and feels like they want to come tackle a bin with me you are more than welcome (although I really should warn you I am a little OCD and a control freak) Also I am trying to make a couple things a positive habit in my life... running/ walking each night. And also for a class I am trying to get in the habit of writing each night... maybe at this rate I will eventually finish a story... So here is to daily habits and changes! Day 119...Positive Habits!

New School Year...

So I am hoping in the next couple of days, and the next week while kids are gone and I am home I can finish up organizing, and cleaning the house. There is still lots to do, but it needs to get done... it is just a matter of finding the time. Lots of things to do still, and running out of time to do it, or so it seems. A couple of Bren's close friends are going to be staying with us for a while, so we need to make sure they have their own room to make it their own and feel comfortable in there.

The goal for the weekend... organize and conquer! How awesome will it be to have it all clean and organized, and only have to attack one room at a time to remodel it? I think it will make it go much easier!

Day 118... Organization deadline!

Progress... and plans

As I mentioned before it was a HUGE weight lifted quitting ( my last day is Thursday, and I did leave on good terms in case I ever need to go back, I will be welcomed). After that I wanted to continue with my goals, the kids and I (and a couple of Bren's close friends who are staying with us) worked hard and have the upstairs nearly done. Hopefully after tomorrow we will have a big chunk of the basement done and sorted for garage sells, and organizing. Also school is over in a week, so I will need to focus on it for another week (so why am I posting this?) then I will have a couple weeks before kids and I go back to finish up some projects. After my cramming for school, and cleaning/organizing the house, and a couple less jobs I will have more time to focus on myself and my health. SO one more week of school and cleaning and hopefully we can get settled into a steady routine!

Day 116... Routine!!