Sleeping my life away...

Depression sucks. I should know, I have battled since I was about 10. It just sucks. I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do to get going, and yet I struggle to do it. Instead I let it win, I let sleep overcome me and spend every free minute sleeping away my life. I don't spend it with my kids, or cleaning house. At least when Kris was here he would harass me and get me going, get me to the Dr. for meds, or drag me to do things with the kids. now I have just gotten good at hiding from friends and family, and my kids who have a tendency for depression, just let me be and sink into their own depression. What kind of shitty example am I? I only do the few things I am obligated to. I show up for jobs, to things the kids need to get to, or I need to go to for them, etc. Church has gotten too easy to get out of, I can find an excuse really easy to not go. Dating for a while was a good way to get out of the house, until all the guys I met online dating turned out to be creeps or losers, and you get really tired of telling your story over and over again. So somehow I need to find something to motivate me. Something to get me going in the morning and make me want to do something besides sleep. I miss Kris, I miss going out with friends, but couples don't invite me anymore because I am a reminder that he is gone, girls nights don't happen often because again they have their husband to go home to and I am a depressing reminder of a worst case scenario. I have a couple single friends but they are busy with younger kids, or are bitter to be around, and girls are drama. I miss school. School is something I do for me, even when I complain about it, it is purely for me. I like that I have to pay for it because then I am obligated to it like a job. I miss my old life, I miss Kris, I need him, he is what kept me going. Kept our family going, kept his and my family going... I just miss him. I miss being a part of a couple. I think that is why I prefer to sleep my life away, it is easier than facing this depressing real life I live in.

Before/After/and Before again...

So I am sure anyone who has been following my brutally honest progress on the Taislim product has noticed I have been more than slow at posting, I have been non existant! There are some pretty pathetic reasons for that, and I want to be honest about what they are and what I have learned from them.

Since I lost my husband, I have been struggling with who I am, my identity went from a wife, to single, to part of a pair, to alone... it has been something I have really been struggling with. I gained more in the time I lost my husband than I did with any of my 4 pregnancies. I learned I eat out of boredom, when I am emotional, to stay awake when studying, when ever the kids are hungry. I didn't recognize just how often I turned to food as comfort and companionship until I was on Taislim and didn't crave it, or need it, and if I did eat for the sake of eating, it never felt satisfying, in fact it almost made me ill. As I used Taislim, I lost weight, and began to feel more like myself. Not eating all the time, and only when I really needed it. I saved lots of money after the initial investment because I wasn't giving into the requests for fast food all the time. I liked not having to figure out what to eat for lunch, I like just knowing it was ready when I felt hungry, and it would be enough. Even if I slipped and gave into temptation like a cookie or something, I didn't feel too guilty because I had options, and had done well up until giving in.

Because of my self esteem issues, I was feeling good, like myself again. But I was still trying to get out and date. I had a few dates that just weren't good. They only wanted sex, and weren't interested in getting to know me. After months of meeting nice guys who never tried anything, but it just wasn't a connection, this really knocked me back. I felt it was because I was looking good again that they felt they could say things like this, or try to get too intimate too soon. So I stopped trying to look my best. Sure I would still dress nice and put on my make-up... but I was done trying to improve my weight and healthy look. I know that this is not really why, and it is not what caused it, but when you are so down, you try to make sense of things you can't really make sense of. It was about the same time I was running low on product anyway, and being as busy as I am being a single mom with kids, work, and school to manage... I had not put in the effort needed to grow this as a business, so the finances weren't there to continue it anyway. I was so discouraged in other aspects of my life, my enthusiasm for this product was not there, I would joke about it, or down play it.

I have now realized that I was trying to look better for me, not anyone else. If I meet someone and they feel because I look a certain way they can make inappropriate assumptions towards me that is their problem, and I need to be strong enough in who I am to not let them affect who I am and how I act on them. I unfortunately need to wait a few months until I can afford to start up on taislim again and become the best I can. It is discouraging that I am now back to what I weighed when I started, but I know I want to get back to me, and I will exercise, and eat better until I can get back on the program.

If anyone is considering using this product, I can tell you with out a doubt it did work! It improved my diet by encouraging healthy portions, healthy foods, and not craving the junk food and fast food that is never good for you. It saved me money! I don't cook well, and I really don't enjoy it. So fast food was an easy alternative late at night when we got hungry. With Taislim, I had my breakfast and dinner already so figuring out a quick healthy dinner didn't seem too bad. My food bill was drastically less. I have seen many friends and family shock me at how well they are improving their lifestyle with this product, improved health, improved finances, improved outlook on life.

So I just want to say when I am back on this I will again start up my blog and weekly updates. I am going to tackle it with a renewed confidence. I have set goals I want to accomplish, and I know this will help me to achieve them.

1- I want to run another half marathon this summer and beat my time.
2- I am going to continue with school for one more year (on top of the one year I have left) and get a double bachelors in dance as well as English Education (and then after I have been teaching I am going to try for a masters in Education)
3- I want to look good in a bikini swimsuit again... I went suit shopping and it was HELL...
4- I want to work on earning extra money so I am not constantly questioning whether or not to move... with a little extra income, I can stay where I am confidently and have a little extra spending money!
5- (this one has nothing to do with Taislim) I want to be the organized person I used to be...

I would love to hear any encouragement you want to offer, and questions I will do my best to answer them.

M.I.A.

SO I have had a rough couple weeks emotionally... kinda sleeping more than I should, and when I am up eating everything I shouldn't. It was my birthday, and my mom's birthday. I have been trying to date to get me out of the house, figure if I had someone to meet I would feel guilty if I bailed on them. SOme have been very nice, others total tools. I think this has left me missing Kris even more. I am a guys girl, and I miss having Kris and his friends over and hanging out. Then there is the whole guilt thing, which I know I shouldn't feel, but I do. I have decided I much preferred feeling good, and eating better, and will be making a renewed effort to follow this great plan. It was working, and I was feeling great! But I let that little hurt, squeeze in and pull me further and further down, until I struggled to get back up.

I have to say I am SO impressed, and so proud of my family who have been participating in this amazing product. I am in awe of what it has done for them, and I can't wait to see how far it takes them. I am hoping I can put myself into this, and succeed. Thanks for your continued encouragement.

Week 7

SO this week the Challenge entry was due to win a chance at a cruise... it was kinda exciting to see in writing the changes I have made overall on this product. So instead of typing them all up, I will just share my link with my story...

http://allsiontaft.taislim.com/share_your_story_view.cfm?flid=10575272&cid=6204

Weight- new scale 177.7

Neck- 13 ins.

Chest- 36.5 ins.

Waist- 36 ins.

Hips- 40.5ins.

Arm- 13 ins.

Thigh- 22 ins.

Week 6

WOW talk about a tough tempting week. It was my birthday, so I had several offers for lunch and dinner, and of course I spoiled myself with a yummy Glaus Bakery mint chocolate cake, that has been tempting me all week... BUT I STILL LOST SOME WEIGHT! I think last week I was right on with the whole bloated theory. I admit I was running late one day, and didn't make a shake for breakfast, and forgot to take one with me to class, so I reverted back to my old bad habits of no breakfast and crappy fast food lunch, and I felt AWFUL. I just felt gross, and bloated, and not even the yummy birthday cake sounded good after that day (I have take little nibbles throughout the day as it sits on my counter tempting me... thank heavens it is gone now!) I even had a couple diet cokes thinking it would settle my yucky feeling tummy, and nope. Still not craving my diet coke, I am done with it after a few sips. I have learned I like it much more when I only have it when I go out for dinner. So here are the pics, and the measurements. I have included both scales not sure how badly the old one if off (but pretty bad) but it is the scale that makes me feel better...

Weight - 177/169 lbs.

Neck - 13 ins.

Chest - 37 ins.

Waist - 36 ins.

Hips - 41 ins.

Arms - 13 ins.

Thighs - 22.5 ins.

Week 5

WARNING: This blog was originally made to track progress on my various goals. After Kris passed it somehow turned into a "pity party" for myself blog where I whined a lot. Lately it has been where I track my progress on a wonderful diet that has been working. TODAY it will briefly track my progress... then revert back to my poor me for a while... If you are only one here to view my progress, don't bother going past my measurements...

Well I weighed in this morning after I found an unwanted monthly visitor... can we say BLOATED (I hope). SO I weighed myself on old scale hoping it would make me feel better... yeah not much. But I must admit, I had a rough week, and as I mentioned before I am an emotional eater.

Weight- 181 lbs.
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 38 ins.
Waist - 36.5 ins.
Hips- 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins.


Now for the poor me... Depression has always been something i have struggled with since I was 13. It has never been consistant, I have been able to manage it with medication, and avoiding things I learn trigger it. But lately it just hits and I don't expect it so I don't have the warning signs to catch it with medication. And my medication is another issue, after YEARS on the same one that has ALWAYS worked, lately it makes me really sick to my stomach... so change it right? But I have no insurance at the moment... so do I deal with feeling sick to my stomach all day, or do I fight the depression on my own? I know since this is a post my experience with Freelife, someone will mention try the "jule" I have been. But the triggers are overwhelming sometimes. it has been almost 28 months since I lost my husband, silly reminders come up and hit completely unexpected, and I just miss him more than anything right now. I have grown a ton since he has been gone, and become very independent, I am proud of what I have accomplished on my own. But it sucks not being able to share it with either of my 2 biggest fans. I try the whole dating thing thinking I am ready... but  if I am being honest with myself I am not. I feel like I am dating to force some time for me... I do not find time for me, or things I like to do unless I am obligated somehow with someone else. I miss being creative, scrapbooking, sewing for fun, decorating for holidays, dancing, I need to find a way to make time for things I want to do. I know I need to get through school, but I am so overwhelmed, I find myself falling further and further behind. I would love to become more involved in this company my sister has introduced me to, however it is my last priority being a single mom. I have obligations for the kids... Bren there is scouting (which is almost done) college apps, graduation, ballroom team, wrestling (which is nearly done), dance classes. My oldest daughter, dance company, babysitting, school, church, and now softball team. My next daughter has dance, debate, church, and my youngest I feel gets neglected, but he still has school, scouts, and dance. How do I keep up with all those schedule, and my work, and my school, and still have time for me? This past weekend, I spend every free minute in bed.... I slept, not becuase I was tired, but I knew depression was coming, I didn't want to face things I knew I needed to. Then there is the house. I am tired of not having time to clean it, I feel like I still have boxes to unpack and sort. I hate not being organized like I used to be. So really if I took time to get involved in this company and make money I could afford to pay someone to help clean, freeing up sometime. I struggle with whether or not it is worth it to be going to school... I know it is what I need, but maybe I just need to be realistic and take a little more time and break up my schedule... but then I think I would rather just be DONE with it, and be able to get a job and take a long break from school. I miss having someone I felt I could be completely honest with, and open up to about all this... so writing is the next best thing. Kris and my mom where the only people I ever felt I coule be completely 100% honest about my feelings, and myself with... and I even struggled with them... I Know I am never even completely honest with myself about my feelings... it has always been something I struggle with...

END RANT... next week I will keep to my weigh in updates.

Week 4

So last week was my worst week on this... until this week. While I have struggled in the weight loss area, I have have thrived in other areas. The first being I can't remember the last time I craved diet coke. I have still gotten it a couple times, and only have a sip or two because it just isn't good. I am not a water drinker so I struggle getting enough water, but I have found a way to bribe myself. I found dasani flavor for water, and I tell myself if I drink a whole bottle, I can drink a bottle with flavor. As far as food, I crave much healthier food... but I am so busy, I struggle to find the time to fix it. I need to figure out a better schedule.

Also, my sleep habits are AWFUL! I am up way too late, and up way too early for any kind of effective sleep pattern. But I have mostly slept much sounder. I need to figure out a better routine. While I have more energy then I used to, I am not using it wisely. I am barely making it through the day, before I would need to take a nap so I didn't doze off while driving, I haven't had to do that, but I am still feeling very exhausted.

Now to the sad news... I was pretty down when I saw I had gained a little this week, and not lost much in inches, but I hadn't looked very closely at the date... It is my monthly time... so I am a little bloated... I think I can forgive myself for a heavy weigh in for that reason... (Plus there was another birthday at our house)

Also I have previously only been taking the taislim twice a day with my shakes, not with every meal 3 times a day... so this next week I will be doing that as well.

PICTURE TIME! (Just because I didn't lose doesn't mean I will deprive you a my gorgeous self)

UPDATE!!! Lesson learned... weigh in n the morning!!! I am down 2 more pounds! And here are better pics closer like I had done previously (It all depends on who is awake and willing to help me... and their level of patience)

(remember the new scale... go to the last entry to see the total weight loss)
Weight - 181 lbs.  179 lbs.
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 39ins.
Waist - 37ins.
Hips - 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins

As always let me know if you want any info on this great product. I have loved the benefits of it, and would love to tell you more about it... as you have read, I am VERY honest about my experience on it!

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