I am depressed. There are days like today where I spend every minute in bed. I go to sleep wishing I didn't have to wake up. I am not suicidal, but days like today, it is a very fine line. I feel hopeless. Alone. Lonely. Crippled. Worthless. And no matter How much I know these things aren't true, when this heavy weight comes upon me, they feel like the only things that are true in this world.
I get the most dark, disturbing thoughts flashing through my head, that I feel like I can't escape them. I think of all these ways to escape this feeling, but I am reminded of my kids and how it will affect them. But that is not the worst part of this feeling. The worst part is the battle in my head to convince myself I am wrong and that my kids need me. That I will be missed.
My impression of reality is so skewed that I feel I have hit so low I can't recover. But I do. I do every day I have something going on, out of necessity.
I continually am asked why I don't slow down and cut back on what I have going on, but I can't. It is when I have nothing going on, my kids have their own plans, I don't have work, or school, or anything else I have committed myself to be somewhere, that I get this low.
And it isn't a planned thing, or even sudden. I think how nice it will be to sleep in for once, and then I wake up and I see my kids all have plans, and don't need me. And I think I don't have to do anything. And I just go back to sleep, feeling useless, and alone. And then I have no one that really cares about me. No one checking on me if I am ok. No one invested in my well being, except me. And that is the most empty lonely feeling I have ever felt. I know there are people I could reach out to, but it is hard to admit to your own shortcomings. Especially when you already feel you are pitied by everyone who knows you.
I try to come across as confident, and sure of myself, and strong for my children. But it is tough when the walls seem to keep getting broken down, and you are the only one trying to build them up. There are always cracks, and holes that doubts can slip into easier each time.
Help.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Why do I pick on myself...
Let me start by saying I have several flaws, and many things I am not proud of, and I hope my kids can one day see that I really did my best. I am also certain that if I was better, better at planning, finances, organization, I could be better now. I feel like there are about 3 times a year I hit this point of hopelessness and pity for myself, and my life I am living. I question why I bother doing what I do. I wonder whether I am a good enough parent to my kids. I have an overwhelming sense of self doubt that it creeps so far into my life, I don't realize it until I feel it has permanently taken residence, and nothing short of an exorcism can remove it from my thoughts. These thoughts some how take over despite evidence that I am doing a decent jobs in most aspects of my life. I really do have good kids, and sure like any kids they have their moments, they are teenagers after all. I have continually been blessed, after a day of stressing over finances an angel left money in an envelope on my door. easing most of my pressing financial stresses. I admit I choose to keep busy, I don't like being at home. But because of that my house is always a mess. I know it is coming up on the anniversary of Kris's death, and I try to not let it affect me, and try not to let the kids see it affect me, but it does! Each year it brings with it another reminder of what I lost, questions about what I am missing, or what I could still have. I feel myself shutting down.
Kids vs. Electronics
I will admit, I love my phone and all the technology connected to it probably as much if not more than the next guy. It is my life line to my kids, to family, to school, to work, I rely on it heavily. And while I stress on those occasional days, or hours, the phone dies, or I leave it at home, I can also admit it is actually nice being out of touch with the world briefly. But this is not one of those posts, to disconnect.
I also admit that I am one of those mom's who allows her children to be involved in everything they want to try, making it tough to get to every event with with kids who each have a couple extra curriculars. And while I am secretly glad when a child decides to discontinue something expensive and time consuming, it is a relief. But not one of those posts either.
Why do we as parents invest so much into our kids extra curricular things, but then choose to focus on our flappy bird score rather than our little girl who is checking every 5 minutes making sure we are watching them? It breaks my heart a little when a 3 year old stops dancing because she can't se her mom or dad watching, when the other girls parents are fully attentive. It makes me even more sad when the number of observing parents dwindle as the child ages. Or because it is not a full contact sport, it doesn't hold their dad's attention.
I know that this is not every parent, but it is enough of a pattern I see it with every class I teach. Parents pouring over their phone, or other technical device, while their child is trying her best to compete for a brief glance.
I am guilty of this with my boys, I am clueless when it comes to football, so when my son isn't on the field, I am reading one of my school books. (A full time mom and student, I have to find time to study where I can, I'm not proud of this choice though.) I see the hurt in my son's face when I accidentally miss a great play, and it crushes me. It is the same look I see on my little dancers when their dad disappeared out of site of the window. But still we pile our whole family to watch weekly sports games, why can't we support the arts the same? Watch a weekly class, and by watch I don't been glance up everytime you need to reset your angry bird game.
Why can't we as parents give our children our full attention when we are allowing them to participate in these activities? We are showing our kids that what they care about is not as important as the technology on our phone. We need to show our children we are invested in them, myself included.
I also admit that I am one of those mom's who allows her children to be involved in everything they want to try, making it tough to get to every event with with kids who each have a couple extra curriculars. And while I am secretly glad when a child decides to discontinue something expensive and time consuming, it is a relief. But not one of those posts either.
Why do we as parents invest so much into our kids extra curricular things, but then choose to focus on our flappy bird score rather than our little girl who is checking every 5 minutes making sure we are watching them? It breaks my heart a little when a 3 year old stops dancing because she can't se her mom or dad watching, when the other girls parents are fully attentive. It makes me even more sad when the number of observing parents dwindle as the child ages. Or because it is not a full contact sport, it doesn't hold their dad's attention.
I know that this is not every parent, but it is enough of a pattern I see it with every class I teach. Parents pouring over their phone, or other technical device, while their child is trying her best to compete for a brief glance.
I am guilty of this with my boys, I am clueless when it comes to football, so when my son isn't on the field, I am reading one of my school books. (A full time mom and student, I have to find time to study where I can, I'm not proud of this choice though.) I see the hurt in my son's face when I accidentally miss a great play, and it crushes me. It is the same look I see on my little dancers when their dad disappeared out of site of the window. But still we pile our whole family to watch weekly sports games, why can't we support the arts the same? Watch a weekly class, and by watch I don't been glance up everytime you need to reset your angry bird game.
Why can't we as parents give our children our full attention when we are allowing them to participate in these activities? We are showing our kids that what they care about is not as important as the technology on our phone. We need to show our children we are invested in them, myself included.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Whining
It really sucks that being in the position I am in having lost both a parent and a spouse, I recognize the importance of focusing on moments, and being with my children and spending time with them. But at the same time, I am the only provider for them and I feel the need to do my best to better myself so I can provide for them.
So here is my constant dilemma... do I continue with school, which I am consistently falling behind in, and never able to do my best because of my demands as a parent and provider, or do I step back from school, and focus on being a better parent, and maintaining the house better? The problem with both is that either way which ever I neglect will eventually catch up with me. If I focus on kids, before I know it they will be grown, and I will have no way to provide for myself. Or if I focus on school they will be grown and resent me for all the times I missed out.
I think what is really frustrating to me right now is the fact that my head is constantly hurting. I have grown accustomed to having a headache more often than not, but in the past 2 weeks, I have had to cope with migraines that make it nearly impossible to function. Waiting for medication to kick in so I can function at a minimal level. I cannot even read what I am typing at the moment because the glare from the screen hurts my eyes. If I turn my head my eyes water from the sudden pain. I have been to the Dr., and I am back on a couple different medications, but that stills puts me out of commission from working on homework that I need to get done. It makes me nervous to drive somewhere in case I get stranded until my migraine medicine kicks in.
Overall I am really tired of the constant struggle of being an alone parent, working and going to school. I am tired of finding out I am once again falling way short of a good parent for one of my children. My children deserve so much more than they are currently getting, and then I am being selfish in many ways, and keeping them with me when opportunities for them to visit family are available.
I am really tired of these struggles...
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Bad mom moments...
So I was one of the kids room mothers every year, until 2010 (I had started the year with a co-room mom, but she took over when Kris died). I remember Kris asking why I was going to all the effort to make Halloween treats for the kindergarten my first year so over the top. (I admit, look ing back it was way more effort then it was worth) I remember answering "because I like to be that mom, that has it together enough to go over the top for her kids."
That was Brenton's first year in school, my first as a room mom. I had done cutesy stuff for the preschool kids, but that was fun for work. Fast forward 13 years. I am the mom who was not on top of asking what exactly I need to have done for Brenton's Eagle court of honor, so in a couple hours we will be attending his awards ceremony without the rewards, no pins, no badges, no fancy display of his accomplishments throughout his life as a scout.
So besides the obvious life changing experience of losing my husband, what changed? I screw up like this all the time, flake on things that are important to my kids, whose parents make the effort to be on top of it and accomplish what needs to be done. I get so depressed I just can't function. I wish I could blame it all on Kris's death, but I neglectful long before. Was it too much pressure to always be cutesy, I gave up on even being decent?
I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mom... I had never desired to even. It was Kris who from the beginning of our dating told me he couldn't wait to be a dad, so why the hell is he the one who died? While this was never in my list of what I wanted to do when I grew up, it was definitely something I needed. I have learned I can't be the perfect cutesy mom all the time, besides she had no life and it was exhausting. i hate being the flake mom I am now, not there enough for my kids, pushing them to get done what they need to, and falling way short on the bare minimum requirements of a somewhat decent parent. But I realize I need to pull my head, and make an effort to be better.
I wrote before this about how I have realized that I was forced to be independent, but then if I am so damn independent, why the hell am not getting everything together I should be? Why am I not taking advantage of those who offer help? Am I too proud? Perhaps it is because I feel it is not from the people I need help from, my family, Kris's family. I feel like more and more they expect me to be doing fine on my own. I wish they realized I do too, and the fact that I am not is painful to admit.
I am so grateful for my kids, and this makes it sound like I am not in some ways. They have saved me more times than they know. I know I would not have come as far as I have since losing Kris if it wasn't for them. I think perhaps that is why I am beating myself up so much when I make these big screw ups! I guess I just wish close family and friends would realize that as far as I have come in the last 2 and a half years, I still have a lot to go as I still miss Kris so much, especially on days like today where he should be here for his son receiving his Eagle Scout award.
I am hiding in the bathroom because I hate letting my kids see me breakdown... but I didn't get here fast enough and I got mad at them... what kind of decent parent does that?
That was Brenton's first year in school, my first as a room mom. I had done cutesy stuff for the preschool kids, but that was fun for work. Fast forward 13 years. I am the mom who was not on top of asking what exactly I need to have done for Brenton's Eagle court of honor, so in a couple hours we will be attending his awards ceremony without the rewards, no pins, no badges, no fancy display of his accomplishments throughout his life as a scout.
So besides the obvious life changing experience of losing my husband, what changed? I screw up like this all the time, flake on things that are important to my kids, whose parents make the effort to be on top of it and accomplish what needs to be done. I get so depressed I just can't function. I wish I could blame it all on Kris's death, but I neglectful long before. Was it too much pressure to always be cutesy, I gave up on even being decent?
I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mom... I had never desired to even. It was Kris who from the beginning of our dating told me he couldn't wait to be a dad, so why the hell is he the one who died? While this was never in my list of what I wanted to do when I grew up, it was definitely something I needed. I have learned I can't be the perfect cutesy mom all the time, besides she had no life and it was exhausting. i hate being the flake mom I am now, not there enough for my kids, pushing them to get done what they need to, and falling way short on the bare minimum requirements of a somewhat decent parent. But I realize I need to pull my head, and make an effort to be better.
I wrote before this about how I have realized that I was forced to be independent, but then if I am so damn independent, why the hell am not getting everything together I should be? Why am I not taking advantage of those who offer help? Am I too proud? Perhaps it is because I feel it is not from the people I need help from, my family, Kris's family. I feel like more and more they expect me to be doing fine on my own. I wish they realized I do too, and the fact that I am not is painful to admit.
I am so grateful for my kids, and this makes it sound like I am not in some ways. They have saved me more times than they know. I know I would not have come as far as I have since losing Kris if it wasn't for them. I think perhaps that is why I am beating myself up so much when I make these big screw ups! I guess I just wish close family and friends would realize that as far as I have come in the last 2 and a half years, I still have a lot to go as I still miss Kris so much, especially on days like today where he should be here for his son receiving his Eagle Scout award.
I am hiding in the bathroom because I hate letting my kids see me breakdown... but I didn't get here fast enough and I got mad at them... what kind of decent parent does that?
Rediscovering ME!
I have always thought of myself as pretty independent, but until recently asked in a college class I never truly examined it. While I have always had that independent attitude, until it was forced upon me, I never was truly independent.
I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.
In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.
So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.
I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.
I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.
I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.
I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.
In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.
So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.
I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.
I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.
I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sleeping my life away...
Depression sucks. I should know, I have battled since I was about 10. It just sucks. I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do to get going, and yet I struggle to do it. Instead I let it win, I let sleep overcome me and spend every free minute sleeping away my life. I don't spend it with my kids, or cleaning house. At least when Kris was here he would harass me and get me going, get me to the Dr. for meds, or drag me to do things with the kids. now I have just gotten good at hiding from friends and family, and my kids who have a tendency for depression, just let me be and sink into their own depression. What kind of shitty example am I? I only do the few things I am obligated to. I show up for jobs, to things the kids need to get to, or I need to go to for them, etc. Church has gotten too easy to get out of, I can find an excuse really easy to not go. Dating for a while was a good way to get out of the house, until all the guys I met online dating turned out to be creeps or losers, and you get really tired of telling your story over and over again. So somehow I need to find something to motivate me. Something to get me going in the morning and make me want to do something besides sleep. I miss Kris, I miss going out with friends, but couples don't invite me anymore because I am a reminder that he is gone, girls nights don't happen often because again they have their husband to go home to and I am a depressing reminder of a worst case scenario. I have a couple single friends but they are busy with younger kids, or are bitter to be around, and girls are drama. I miss school. School is something I do for me, even when I complain about it, it is purely for me. I like that I have to pay for it because then I am obligated to it like a job. I miss my old life, I miss Kris, I need him, he is what kept me going. Kept our family going, kept his and my family going... I just miss him. I miss being a part of a couple. I think that is why I prefer to sleep my life away, it is easier than facing this depressing real life I live in.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Before/After/and Before again...
So I am sure anyone who has been following my brutally honest progress on the Taislim product has noticed I have been more than slow at posting, I have been non existant! There are some pretty pathetic reasons for that, and I want to be honest about what they are and what I have learned from them.
Since I lost my husband, I have been struggling with who I am, my identity went from a wife, to single, to part of a pair, to alone... it has been something I have really been struggling with. I gained more in the time I lost my husband than I did with any of my 4 pregnancies. I learned I eat out of boredom, when I am emotional, to stay awake when studying, when ever the kids are hungry. I didn't recognize just how often I turned to food as comfort and companionship until I was on Taislim and didn't crave it, or need it, and if I did eat for the sake of eating, it never felt satisfying, in fact it almost made me ill. As I used Taislim, I lost weight, and began to feel more like myself. Not eating all the time, and only when I really needed it. I saved lots of money after the initial investment because I wasn't giving into the requests for fast food all the time. I liked not having to figure out what to eat for lunch, I like just knowing it was ready when I felt hungry, and it would be enough. Even if I slipped and gave into temptation like a cookie or something, I didn't feel too guilty because I had options, and had done well up until giving in.
Because of my self esteem issues, I was feeling good, like myself again. But I was still trying to get out and date. I had a few dates that just weren't good. They only wanted sex, and weren't interested in getting to know me. After months of meeting nice guys who never tried anything, but it just wasn't a connection, this really knocked me back. I felt it was because I was looking good again that they felt they could say things like this, or try to get too intimate too soon. So I stopped trying to look my best. Sure I would still dress nice and put on my make-up... but I was done trying to improve my weight and healthy look. I know that this is not really why, and it is not what caused it, but when you are so down, you try to make sense of things you can't really make sense of. It was about the same time I was running low on product anyway, and being as busy as I am being a single mom with kids, work, and school to manage... I had not put in the effort needed to grow this as a business, so the finances weren't there to continue it anyway. I was so discouraged in other aspects of my life, my enthusiasm for this product was not there, I would joke about it, or down play it.
I have now realized that I was trying to look better for me, not anyone else. If I meet someone and they feel because I look a certain way they can make inappropriate assumptions towards me that is their problem, and I need to be strong enough in who I am to not let them affect who I am and how I act on them. I unfortunately need to wait a few months until I can afford to start up on taislim again and become the best I can. It is discouraging that I am now back to what I weighed when I started, but I know I want to get back to me, and I will exercise, and eat better until I can get back on the program.
If anyone is considering using this product, I can tell you with out a doubt it did work! It improved my diet by encouraging healthy portions, healthy foods, and not craving the junk food and fast food that is never good for you. It saved me money! I don't cook well, and I really don't enjoy it. So fast food was an easy alternative late at night when we got hungry. With Taislim, I had my breakfast and dinner already so figuring out a quick healthy dinner didn't seem too bad. My food bill was drastically less. I have seen many friends and family shock me at how well they are improving their lifestyle with this product, improved health, improved finances, improved outlook on life.
So I just want to say when I am back on this I will again start up my blog and weekly updates. I am going to tackle it with a renewed confidence. I have set goals I want to accomplish, and I know this will help me to achieve them.
1- I want to run another half marathon this summer and beat my time.
2- I am going to continue with school for one more year (on top of the one year I have left) and get a double bachelors in dance as well as English Education (and then after I have been teaching I am going to try for a masters in Education)
3- I want to look good in a bikini swimsuit again... I went suit shopping and it was HELL...
4- I want to work on earning extra money so I am not constantly questioning whether or not to move... with a little extra income, I can stay where I am confidently and have a little extra spending money!
5- (this one has nothing to do with Taislim) I want to be the organized person I used to be...
I would love to hear any encouragement you want to offer, and questions I will do my best to answer them.
Since I lost my husband, I have been struggling with who I am, my identity went from a wife, to single, to part of a pair, to alone... it has been something I have really been struggling with. I gained more in the time I lost my husband than I did with any of my 4 pregnancies. I learned I eat out of boredom, when I am emotional, to stay awake when studying, when ever the kids are hungry. I didn't recognize just how often I turned to food as comfort and companionship until I was on Taislim and didn't crave it, or need it, and if I did eat for the sake of eating, it never felt satisfying, in fact it almost made me ill. As I used Taislim, I lost weight, and began to feel more like myself. Not eating all the time, and only when I really needed it. I saved lots of money after the initial investment because I wasn't giving into the requests for fast food all the time. I liked not having to figure out what to eat for lunch, I like just knowing it was ready when I felt hungry, and it would be enough. Even if I slipped and gave into temptation like a cookie or something, I didn't feel too guilty because I had options, and had done well up until giving in.
Because of my self esteem issues, I was feeling good, like myself again. But I was still trying to get out and date. I had a few dates that just weren't good. They only wanted sex, and weren't interested in getting to know me. After months of meeting nice guys who never tried anything, but it just wasn't a connection, this really knocked me back. I felt it was because I was looking good again that they felt they could say things like this, or try to get too intimate too soon. So I stopped trying to look my best. Sure I would still dress nice and put on my make-up... but I was done trying to improve my weight and healthy look. I know that this is not really why, and it is not what caused it, but when you are so down, you try to make sense of things you can't really make sense of. It was about the same time I was running low on product anyway, and being as busy as I am being a single mom with kids, work, and school to manage... I had not put in the effort needed to grow this as a business, so the finances weren't there to continue it anyway. I was so discouraged in other aspects of my life, my enthusiasm for this product was not there, I would joke about it, or down play it.
I have now realized that I was trying to look better for me, not anyone else. If I meet someone and they feel because I look a certain way they can make inappropriate assumptions towards me that is their problem, and I need to be strong enough in who I am to not let them affect who I am and how I act on them. I unfortunately need to wait a few months until I can afford to start up on taislim again and become the best I can. It is discouraging that I am now back to what I weighed when I started, but I know I want to get back to me, and I will exercise, and eat better until I can get back on the program.
If anyone is considering using this product, I can tell you with out a doubt it did work! It improved my diet by encouraging healthy portions, healthy foods, and not craving the junk food and fast food that is never good for you. It saved me money! I don't cook well, and I really don't enjoy it. So fast food was an easy alternative late at night when we got hungry. With Taislim, I had my breakfast and dinner already so figuring out a quick healthy dinner didn't seem too bad. My food bill was drastically less. I have seen many friends and family shock me at how well they are improving their lifestyle with this product, improved health, improved finances, improved outlook on life.
So I just want to say when I am back on this I will again start up my blog and weekly updates. I am going to tackle it with a renewed confidence. I have set goals I want to accomplish, and I know this will help me to achieve them.
1- I want to run another half marathon this summer and beat my time.
2- I am going to continue with school for one more year (on top of the one year I have left) and get a double bachelors in dance as well as English Education (and then after I have been teaching I am going to try for a masters in Education)
3- I want to look good in a bikini swimsuit again... I went suit shopping and it was HELL...
4- I want to work on earning extra money so I am not constantly questioning whether or not to move... with a little extra income, I can stay where I am confidently and have a little extra spending money!
5- (this one has nothing to do with Taislim) I want to be the organized person I used to be...
I would love to hear any encouragement you want to offer, and questions I will do my best to answer them.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
M.I.A.
SO I have had a rough couple weeks emotionally... kinda sleeping more than I should, and when I am up eating everything I shouldn't. It was my birthday, and my mom's birthday. I have been trying to date to get me out of the house, figure if I had someone to meet I would feel guilty if I bailed on them. SOme have been very nice, others total tools. I think this has left me missing Kris even more. I am a guys girl, and I miss having Kris and his friends over and hanging out. Then there is the whole guilt thing, which I know I shouldn't feel, but I do. I have decided I much preferred feeling good, and eating better, and will be making a renewed effort to follow this great plan. It was working, and I was feeling great! But I let that little hurt, squeeze in and pull me further and further down, until I struggled to get back up.
I have to say I am SO impressed, and so proud of my family who have been participating in this amazing product. I am in awe of what it has done for them, and I can't wait to see how far it takes them. I am hoping I can put myself into this, and succeed. Thanks for your continued encouragement.
I have to say I am SO impressed, and so proud of my family who have been participating in this amazing product. I am in awe of what it has done for them, and I can't wait to see how far it takes them. I am hoping I can put myself into this, and succeed. Thanks for your continued encouragement.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Week 7
SO this week the Challenge entry was due to win a chance at a cruise... it was kinda exciting to see in writing the changes I have made overall on this product. So instead of typing them all up, I will just share my link with my story...
http://allsiontaft.taislim.com/share_your_story_view.cfm?flid=10575272&cid=6204
http://allsiontaft.taislim.com/share_your_story_view.cfm?flid=10575272&cid=6204
Weight- new scale 177.7
Neck- 13 ins.
Chest- 36.5 ins.
Waist- 36 ins.
Hips- 40.5ins.
Arm- 13 ins.
Thigh- 22 ins.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Week 6
WOW talk about a tough tempting week. It was my birthday, so I had several offers for lunch and dinner, and of course I spoiled myself with a yummy Glaus Bakery mint chocolate cake, that has been tempting me all week... BUT I STILL LOST SOME WEIGHT! I think last week I was right on with the whole bloated theory. I admit I was running late one day, and didn't make a shake for breakfast, and forgot to take one with me to class, so I reverted back to my old bad habits of no breakfast and crappy fast food lunch, and I felt AWFUL. I just felt gross, and bloated, and not even the yummy birthday cake sounded good after that day (I have take little nibbles throughout the day as it sits on my counter tempting me... thank heavens it is gone now!) I even had a couple diet cokes thinking it would settle my yucky feeling tummy, and nope. Still not craving my diet coke, I am done with it after a few sips. I have learned I like it much more when I only have it when I go out for dinner. So here are the pics, and the measurements. I have included both scales not sure how badly the old one if off (but pretty bad) but it is the scale that makes me feel better...
Weight - 177/169 lbs.
Neck - 13 ins.
Chest - 37 ins.
Waist - 36 ins.
Hips - 41 ins.
Arms - 13 ins.
Thighs - 22.5 ins.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Week 5
WARNING: This blog was originally made to track progress on my various goals. After Kris passed it somehow turned into a "pity party" for myself blog where I whined a lot. Lately it has been where I track my progress on a wonderful diet that has been working. TODAY it will briefly track my progress... then revert back to my poor me for a while... If you are only one here to view my progress, don't bother going past my measurements...
Well I weighed in this morning after I found an unwanted monthly visitor... can we say BLOATED (I hope). SO I weighed myself on old scale hoping it would make me feel better... yeah not much. But I must admit, I had a rough week, and as I mentioned before I am an emotional eater.
Weight- 181 lbs.
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 38 ins.
Waist - 36.5 ins.
Hips- 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins.
Now for the poor me... Depression has always been something i have struggled with since I was 13. It has never been consistant, I have been able to manage it with medication, and avoiding things I learn trigger it. But lately it just hits and I don't expect it so I don't have the warning signs to catch it with medication. And my medication is another issue, after YEARS on the same one that has ALWAYS worked, lately it makes me really sick to my stomach... so change it right? But I have no insurance at the moment... so do I deal with feeling sick to my stomach all day, or do I fight the depression on my own? I know since this is a post my experience with Freelife, someone will mention try the "jule" I have been. But the triggers are overwhelming sometimes. it has been almost 28 months since I lost my husband, silly reminders come up and hit completely unexpected, and I just miss him more than anything right now. I have grown a ton since he has been gone, and become very independent, I am proud of what I have accomplished on my own. But it sucks not being able to share it with either of my 2 biggest fans. I try the whole dating thing thinking I am ready... but if I am being honest with myself I am not. I feel like I am dating to force some time for me... I do not find time for me, or things I like to do unless I am obligated somehow with someone else. I miss being creative, scrapbooking, sewing for fun, decorating for holidays, dancing, I need to find a way to make time for things I want to do. I know I need to get through school, but I am so overwhelmed, I find myself falling further and further behind. I would love to become more involved in this company my sister has introduced me to, however it is my last priority being a single mom. I have obligations for the kids... Bren there is scouting (which is almost done) college apps, graduation, ballroom team, wrestling (which is nearly done), dance classes. My oldest daughter, dance company, babysitting, school, church, and now softball team. My next daughter has dance, debate, church, and my youngest I feel gets neglected, but he still has school, scouts, and dance. How do I keep up with all those schedule, and my work, and my school, and still have time for me? This past weekend, I spend every free minute in bed.... I slept, not becuase I was tired, but I knew depression was coming, I didn't want to face things I knew I needed to. Then there is the house. I am tired of not having time to clean it, I feel like I still have boxes to unpack and sort. I hate not being organized like I used to be. So really if I took time to get involved in this company and make money I could afford to pay someone to help clean, freeing up sometime. I struggle with whether or not it is worth it to be going to school... I know it is what I need, but maybe I just need to be realistic and take a little more time and break up my schedule... but then I think I would rather just be DONE with it, and be able to get a job and take a long break from school. I miss having someone I felt I could be completely honest with, and open up to about all this... so writing is the next best thing. Kris and my mom where the only people I ever felt I coule be completely 100% honest about my feelings, and myself with... and I even struggled with them... I Know I am never even completely honest with myself about my feelings... it has always been something I struggle with...
END RANT... next week I will keep to my weigh in updates.
Well I weighed in this morning after I found an unwanted monthly visitor... can we say BLOATED (I hope). SO I weighed myself on old scale hoping it would make me feel better... yeah not much. But I must admit, I had a rough week, and as I mentioned before I am an emotional eater.
Weight- 181 lbs.
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 38 ins.
Waist - 36.5 ins.
Hips- 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins.
Now for the poor me... Depression has always been something i have struggled with since I was 13. It has never been consistant, I have been able to manage it with medication, and avoiding things I learn trigger it. But lately it just hits and I don't expect it so I don't have the warning signs to catch it with medication. And my medication is another issue, after YEARS on the same one that has ALWAYS worked, lately it makes me really sick to my stomach... so change it right? But I have no insurance at the moment... so do I deal with feeling sick to my stomach all day, or do I fight the depression on my own? I know since this is a post my experience with Freelife, someone will mention try the "jule" I have been. But the triggers are overwhelming sometimes. it has been almost 28 months since I lost my husband, silly reminders come up and hit completely unexpected, and I just miss him more than anything right now. I have grown a ton since he has been gone, and become very independent, I am proud of what I have accomplished on my own. But it sucks not being able to share it with either of my 2 biggest fans. I try the whole dating thing thinking I am ready... but if I am being honest with myself I am not. I feel like I am dating to force some time for me... I do not find time for me, or things I like to do unless I am obligated somehow with someone else. I miss being creative, scrapbooking, sewing for fun, decorating for holidays, dancing, I need to find a way to make time for things I want to do. I know I need to get through school, but I am so overwhelmed, I find myself falling further and further behind. I would love to become more involved in this company my sister has introduced me to, however it is my last priority being a single mom. I have obligations for the kids... Bren there is scouting (which is almost done) college apps, graduation, ballroom team, wrestling (which is nearly done), dance classes. My oldest daughter, dance company, babysitting, school, church, and now softball team. My next daughter has dance, debate, church, and my youngest I feel gets neglected, but he still has school, scouts, and dance. How do I keep up with all those schedule, and my work, and my school, and still have time for me? This past weekend, I spend every free minute in bed.... I slept, not becuase I was tired, but I knew depression was coming, I didn't want to face things I knew I needed to. Then there is the house. I am tired of not having time to clean it, I feel like I still have boxes to unpack and sort. I hate not being organized like I used to be. So really if I took time to get involved in this company and make money I could afford to pay someone to help clean, freeing up sometime. I struggle with whether or not it is worth it to be going to school... I know it is what I need, but maybe I just need to be realistic and take a little more time and break up my schedule... but then I think I would rather just be DONE with it, and be able to get a job and take a long break from school. I miss having someone I felt I could be completely honest with, and open up to about all this... so writing is the next best thing. Kris and my mom where the only people I ever felt I coule be completely 100% honest about my feelings, and myself with... and I even struggled with them... I Know I am never even completely honest with myself about my feelings... it has always been something I struggle with...
END RANT... next week I will keep to my weigh in updates.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Week 4
So last week was my worst week on this... until this week. While I have struggled in the weight loss area, I have have thrived in other areas. The first being I can't remember the last time I craved diet coke. I have still gotten it a couple times, and only have a sip or two because it just isn't good. I am not a water drinker so I struggle getting enough water, but I have found a way to bribe myself. I found dasani flavor for water, and I tell myself if I drink a whole bottle, I can drink a bottle with flavor. As far as food, I crave much healthier food... but I am so busy, I struggle to find the time to fix it. I need to figure out a better schedule.
Also, my sleep habits are AWFUL! I am up way too late, and up way too early for any kind of effective sleep pattern. But I have mostly slept much sounder. I need to figure out a better routine. While I have more energy then I used to, I am not using it wisely. I am barely making it through the day, before I would need to take a nap so I didn't doze off while driving, I haven't had to do that, but I am still feeling very exhausted.
Now to the sad news... I was pretty down when I saw I had gained a little this week, and not lost much in inches, but I hadn't looked very closely at the date... It is my monthly time... so I am a little bloated... I think I can forgive myself for a heavy weigh in for that reason... (Plus there was another birthday at our house)
Also I have previously only been taking the taislim twice a day with my shakes, not with every meal 3 times a day... so this next week I will be doing that as well.
PICTURE TIME! (Just because I didn't lose doesn't mean I will deprive you a my gorgeous self)
UPDATE!!! Lesson learned... weigh in n the morning!!! I am down 2 more pounds! And here are better pics closer like I had done previously (It all depends on who is awake and willing to help me... and their level of patience)
(remember the new scale... go to the last entry to see the total weight loss)
Weight -181 lbs. 179 lbs.
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 39ins.
Waist - 37ins.
Hips - 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins
As always let me know if you want any info on this great product. I have loved the benefits of it, and would love to tell you more about it... as you have read, I am VERY honest about my experience on it!
TAISLIM INFO
Also, my sleep habits are AWFUL! I am up way too late, and up way too early for any kind of effective sleep pattern. But I have mostly slept much sounder. I need to figure out a better routine. While I have more energy then I used to, I am not using it wisely. I am barely making it through the day, before I would need to take a nap so I didn't doze off while driving, I haven't had to do that, but I am still feeling very exhausted.
Now to the sad news... I was pretty down when I saw I had gained a little this week, and not lost much in inches, but I hadn't looked very closely at the date... It is my monthly time... so I am a little bloated... I think I can forgive myself for a heavy weigh in for that reason... (Plus there was another birthday at our house)
Also I have previously only been taking the taislim twice a day with my shakes, not with every meal 3 times a day... so this next week I will be doing that as well.
PICTURE TIME! (Just because I didn't lose doesn't mean I will deprive you a my gorgeous self)
UPDATE!!! Lesson learned... weigh in n the morning!!! I am down 2 more pounds! And here are better pics closer like I had done previously (It all depends on who is awake and willing to help me... and their level of patience)
(remember the new scale... go to the last entry to see the total weight loss)
Weight -
Neck - 13ins.
Chest - 39ins.
Waist - 37ins.
Hips - 41ins.
Arms - 13ins.
Thighs - 22.5ins
As always let me know if you want any info on this great product. I have loved the benefits of it, and would love to tell you more about it... as you have read, I am VERY honest about my experience on it!
TAISLIM INFO
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Week 3
So I had a kinda bittersweet week... I got a new scale because my old one was tough to read, and seemed to bounce around. So when I stepped on the new one... I was back up to 180. I was crushed, I figured I had a rough week (it was my late husband's birthday, so I really emotionally pigged out) and figured with any diet there would be set backs.
Then came the day I try to weigh in and measure up, I lost 4.5 inches all around from last week... I guess I should finish measuring before I take the picture after I weigh in and look so grumpy.
Overall though I have felt pretty good. I am a single mom who works and goes to school, so I am always stressed, and running around crazy, so with all the craziness and high emotions this past week, I only had 1 break down, which is pretty good.
I have slept much more sound, I know I still don't get nearly enough sleep, but when I do, I feel much more sound. I am hoping to be able to slow down a little and get a normal sleep schedule, but we will see.
My cravings for junk food are almost gone. I buy diet coke out of habit, and a need to satisfy my emotional eating... but after a sip or two, I forget about it. Same with sweets... I have the biggest sweet tooth, and lately after a bite, I am just done.
So here are the pics, and digits... I hate the picture part because I have danced for so long it is more natural to suck in/ lift up, so I have to really concentrate to not lift up, then it turns to looking like I am sticking it out. SO after the bad pictures this week, I am just going to stand natural, and for me it is lifting up some...
I also included both pictures, of the old scale and the new so there is some transition. The old scale looks like I have lost another pound, but the new scale numbers show me way up. So not sure if I weighted more to start, or what, but after this week I am just taking pictures on the new one, but wanted proof I really didn't go up again.
Then came the day I try to weigh in and measure up, I lost 4.5 inches all around from last week... I guess I should finish measuring before I take the picture after I weigh in and look so grumpy.
Overall though I have felt pretty good. I am a single mom who works and goes to school, so I am always stressed, and running around crazy, so with all the craziness and high emotions this past week, I only had 1 break down, which is pretty good.
I have slept much more sound, I know I still don't get nearly enough sleep, but when I do, I feel much more sound. I am hoping to be able to slow down a little and get a normal sleep schedule, but we will see.
My cravings for junk food are almost gone. I buy diet coke out of habit, and a need to satisfy my emotional eating... but after a sip or two, I forget about it. Same with sweets... I have the biggest sweet tooth, and lately after a bite, I am just done.
So here are the pics, and digits... I hate the picture part because I have danced for so long it is more natural to suck in/ lift up, so I have to really concentrate to not lift up, then it turns to looking like I am sticking it out. SO after the bad pictures this week, I am just going to stand natural, and for me it is lifting up some...
I also included both pictures, of the old scale and the new so there is some transition. The old scale looks like I have lost another pound, but the new scale numbers show me way up. So not sure if I weighted more to start, or what, but after this week I am just taking pictures on the new one, but wanted proof I really didn't go up again.
Weight - 173/180
Neck - 13in
Chest - 39in
Waist - 37in
Hips - 41.5in
Arms - 13in
Thighs - 22.5
Thursday, February 7, 2013
week 2
I am down 10 pounds!!! Can you believe it? Me neither! I have tried this week to be more aware of how I feel, and to be honest, I am still very emotional, and stressed, so I don't feel I can make a fair assessment... but in all honesty, I should be a WRECK right now, but I am handling things fairly well.
Can you believe over superbowl sunday, a birthday, and lots of small bites of stuff in between I am still down? It makes me want to work harder, exercise more, and see how much I really can lose.
I am loving this, I have saved money not eating at school, I don't get headaches from not eating, since I am satisfied, and never hungry on these shakes. I am feeling really good actually.
I have noticed my pants fitting kinda loose too. The kids all swear they can tell, although I don't see it myself... but here are the pictures, and the measurements so you can be the judge.
Weight - 175 pounds
Neck - 13 inches
Chest - 40 inches
Waist - 39 inches
Hips - 42 inches
Arms - 13.5 inches
Thighs - 23 inches
Again, if you want any info on these great product leave a comment!
Can you believe over superbowl sunday, a birthday, and lots of small bites of stuff in between I am still down? It makes me want to work harder, exercise more, and see how much I really can lose.
I am loving this, I have saved money not eating at school, I don't get headaches from not eating, since I am satisfied, and never hungry on these shakes. I am feeling really good actually.
I have noticed my pants fitting kinda loose too. The kids all swear they can tell, although I don't see it myself... but here are the pictures, and the measurements so you can be the judge.
Weight - 175 pounds
Neck - 13 inches
Chest - 40 inches
Waist - 39 inches
Hips - 42 inches
Arms - 13.5 inches
Thighs - 23 inches
Again, if you want any info on these great product leave a comment!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
1 week...
I have been taking TaiSlim for 1 week now... So far it has been great!!! In weight loss... I am down 5 pounds, and overall lost 5 inches around my various body parts... Not too shabby right? In fact when my daughter was helping take pictures and measurements she said I can tell you lost some!
I feel bad because I have been EXTREMELY stressed this week, so I didn't make any effort to pay attention to any extra energy, or how it made me feel overall... but I did notice some other very beneficial stuff!
I LOVE my diet coke, and the first day I did have one (Thursday), but then it wasn't until Monday I realized I hadn't had one for a while, so I broke down and got one Tuesday. It was ok, but didn't really satisfy anything for me. I only took a couple sips and forgot about it. I think I felt I needed something to drink, because I am not a big water drinker, but I have really made an effort to be better.
Next when I made good dinners (which was twice this week, a HUGE record for me) I ate way less that I usually would have, and the couple times I powered through and ate what I took, it made me feel "bleh". So I have gotten better about just not taking as much. Even tonight for Brenton's birthday, we got his favorite greasy mexican joint, and I ordered my usual, and didn't even finish half of it. Then we got yummy cupcakes, I really wanted one, so I ate one all gone... and I wished I hadn't, just a bite would have been more than enough.
The next great feature... I have saved money! Sure it cost a little to invest, but I have not driven through a drive through for lunch once this week (I admit I did a couple times for kids dinner). But I don't have to buy something for lunch, or a drink or diet coke for the day.
Ready for the brutally honest part... I even cheated a little. I drank BIG diet coke the first day. I admitted I ate a cupcake, and even snatched a couple fries from the kids before I remembered, and I still lost! I haven't gone above and beyond my regular routine of exercise, just teaching my same classes.
Ready for the week 1 pics?
Again you can see I am down to 180 pounds!
Neck - 14 inches
Chest - 40 inches
Waist - 39 inches
Hips - 43 inches
Arms - 13.5 inches
Thighs - 23.5 inches
(Remember I have young help so these measurements may not be exactly accurate... I figure they will get better at it as they help me, and level off...)
Leave a comment if you want more info about this product and I will let you know what I can... or have my sister who introduced me to it respond...
I feel bad because I have been EXTREMELY stressed this week, so I didn't make any effort to pay attention to any extra energy, or how it made me feel overall... but I did notice some other very beneficial stuff!
I LOVE my diet coke, and the first day I did have one (Thursday), but then it wasn't until Monday I realized I hadn't had one for a while, so I broke down and got one Tuesday. It was ok, but didn't really satisfy anything for me. I only took a couple sips and forgot about it. I think I felt I needed something to drink, because I am not a big water drinker, but I have really made an effort to be better.
Next when I made good dinners (which was twice this week, a HUGE record for me) I ate way less that I usually would have, and the couple times I powered through and ate what I took, it made me feel "bleh". So I have gotten better about just not taking as much. Even tonight for Brenton's birthday, we got his favorite greasy mexican joint, and I ordered my usual, and didn't even finish half of it. Then we got yummy cupcakes, I really wanted one, so I ate one all gone... and I wished I hadn't, just a bite would have been more than enough.
The next great feature... I have saved money! Sure it cost a little to invest, but I have not driven through a drive through for lunch once this week (I admit I did a couple times for kids dinner). But I don't have to buy something for lunch, or a drink or diet coke for the day.
Ready for the brutally honest part... I even cheated a little. I drank BIG diet coke the first day. I admitted I ate a cupcake, and even snatched a couple fries from the kids before I remembered, and I still lost! I haven't gone above and beyond my regular routine of exercise, just teaching my same classes.
Ready for the week 1 pics?
Again you can see I am down to 180 pounds!
Neck - 14 inches
Chest - 40 inches
Waist - 39 inches
Hips - 43 inches
Arms - 13.5 inches
Thighs - 23.5 inches
(Remember I have young help so these measurements may not be exactly accurate... I figure they will get better at it as they help me, and level off...)
Leave a comment if you want more info about this product and I will let you know what I can... or have my sister who introduced me to it respond...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
90 Day Challenge...
My Sister and her husband have embarked on a new healthy lifestyle change and business opportunity, and I get to try it out first hand!
The product is calle TaiSlim and is marketed by Freelife. The company has been around for several years, although the product is fairly new.
I am excited to try this because I weigh more than I have in my entire life, I have put on more weight being a widow than with any of my pregnancies. I am ready for a change, and I am hoping this will be it. I decided if I document my experience weekly, and share pictures of my progress I will be obligated to follow through, and to post updates. SO here are the before pictures and measurements...
As you can see, I weigh 185.
neck - 14.5 ins.
chest - 40 ins.
waist - 41 ins.
hips - 43.5 ins.
arms - 14 ins.
thighs - 24 ins.
The product is calle TaiSlim and is marketed by Freelife. The company has been around for several years, although the product is fairly new.
I am excited to try this because I weigh more than I have in my entire life, I have put on more weight being a widow than with any of my pregnancies. I am ready for a change, and I am hoping this will be it. I decided if I document my experience weekly, and share pictures of my progress I will be obligated to follow through, and to post updates. SO here are the before pictures and measurements...
neck - 14.5 ins.
chest - 40 ins.
waist - 41 ins.
hips - 43.5 ins.
arms - 14 ins.
thighs - 24 ins.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Drowning...
This week marks two years since I lost Kris. Some days I think I am a rock star and can do no wrong! I get homework done on time, I get bills paid on time, the house doesn't look like a complete wreck and the kids all manage to shower and dress in clean clothes... then there is lately...
I am questioning everything I do, every decision I make, my kids, my job, my school... I feeling like I have been barely staying afloat, that flapping around trying not to drown for so long that I can't even doggy paddle...
I should be fine financially, but every month I feel like I barely make it. I am borrowing from friends and family so I have gas money to go to school and work. I am pawning anything of value not immediately needed for food the last week of each month. And now my rent has gone up a 100 dollars a month, I am tired of having to do it all. I am dreading when the kids get their licenses because I know insurance will go up, and I will need a new car... My car is slowly going down hill and needs some serious repairs. I know I need to do more home meals and less fast food, but when we truly have limited time between work, school activities, and kids stuff and it gets to be 10 o'clock and they are hungry... it is what happens. I try to do the crock pot meals or the frozen ones, but you have to be home to do so... I know everyone's solution/suggestion is to 1) have my kids cut down on extra stuff and 2) have the teens get a job... there are problems with those... I want them to focus on school... they are finally getting it together after Kris died, why would I want to upset it again? They need their extra stuff to keep busy, plus it will help when they want to explore colleges, and why limit their potential? Besides with a job I am back to my dilemma of how to get them their with one car and one driver... and if I get another car/driver there goes my tight budget again.
Then there is my school, I am drowning in homework, everytime I think I have a minute to work on it, the kids need to be here or there. By the time night hits and the kids are in bed I am exhausted and can't focus on anything! Then there are my options... a) if I bust my ass off and work hard I can complete my teaching requirements in spring and summer semesters, making me eligible for an internship, which would be great! It could turn into a job, I would get full benefits and half pay, it would could as my student teaching and my first year teaching (meaning I would start my second official year at a year 2 pay raise). I just don't want to overwhelm myself for this option, when I am already there... but it could be the best getting my a job teaching faster, and increase my income solving another stress, but I would have to pay for summer semester out of my spring student loans, meaning I will have to be very disciplined (I pay ahead on some bills so I am not too tight throughout school) I would also need to continue to take some dance classes on the side to complete my dance endorsement because I will be over full time as it is, and still need certain classes for the endorsement...meaning I can be teaching by fall 2013... b) Stay on the track I am on, graduating in three semesters and taking a couple dance classes a semester which I will still have a couple classes I need for my endorsement once I start teaching, but will be closer, and will have my full teaching degree... meaning I can be teaching my 2014...c) take an extra year and complete both my English degree and dance degree so I won't have to take any classes while I am teaching... but this will add to my student loans, but they will still be available, and it will help secure me a job... teaching by 2015... I just don't know what to do :(
Then there is my mess of a house, how can it get so messy when we are never here except to sleep? I try to catch up on it, but then I realize I have homework due, or the kids have something. I know it needs to happen, but I just can't seem to find the time. Kris was the one who would make certain it got done, I am so disorganized as well and I hate it, but I can't find the time or energy to do anything about it. (sure I could/should be doing it now, but all this has been building up and if I don't voice it I will explode on the wrong person... again [I will get to that later])
The kids things, I am so busy with fulfilling both roles as mother and father, I feel like they are both lacking a great deal... I have not been as focused on Clay and school as I should be, he is not doing well in school academically and I have not encouraged it, I was so good and on top of it with the others, because I had help... Kris did homework and made dinner while I was at work, I did it when I was home and he would run kids everywhere. There is a reason we are meant to parent together... be so grateful for that help if you still have it! I have not been as on top of Bren's scouts as I should have been, and he is barely going to be able to pull off this eagle, as long as I keep on top of it. The girls I feel are doing better, but I am still not as involved as I once was, and I feel that because of that they are trying to handle things alone that I should be there with them doing.
I can't think of the last time I did something selfish for me, something I wanted just for me, and I miss Kris making sure I did, because he saw value in having time for ourselves. He would force it on me even if I didn't want it, and I would be so grateful after recognizing I needed it. I miss having him here because he was so in tune with what I needed, even when I wasn't. The day before he died I blew up at the kids school for hanging up on me and being rude... He calmly told me he would handle it and he did. I miss his calm approach to things, it was consistent, even if he had an immediate response, he knew the benefit of remaining clam... I don't, especially when I get protective of my kids... I react and ask questions after... he would assess it, ask questions and respond accordingly... I did it again today... I reacted protecting my child, and attacked a family friend. I thought I was being a good parent and handling it, but I attacked before questioning it, and I may have hurt a good friendship because of it. I had so many things (obviously) that that had been my final straw and I took it out on the entirely wrong person.
I miss going to him for advice... I can ask around, and friends and family all have their opinions, but they are not directly affected by in so they are not as invested to look at all the options... I question myself daily on everything, especially for the kids. I am failing slowly as a parent and I feel I am reaching a point I may not be able to recover from.
I am not happy about any aspect of me. I hate constantly questioning myself, I hate how I react, I hate feeling like i need to always put on a front, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me more and more... and I am usually the one most impressed with myself.
I miss my friends, I have no time for them, and I need them, they are who I need to buoy me up right now. I love my job and I love being involved in the Nutcracker, but I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, the Thanksgiving break can't come fast enough. I miss Kris. I knew when the anniversary of his passing came and went I and I was fine... it would come, it would hit, and here it is. I am broken. I feel as though I am beyond repair sometimes... I think I need to go to the cemetery for a good cry...
Day 129... sinking fast (also posting in purple... journal entry)
Day 129... sinking fast (also posting in purple... journal entry)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Money...
I am at a point where I need to truly examine where I am living. I feel strongly that I am in the right place, where I belong for myself and my kids. But financially I am questioning. My landlord mentioned he may be raising my rent when I resign my lease. When we moved last year, I looked into several different options for downsizing, but I need to keep the kids stable, and in the same schools... they do not need any more life changes right now... and the cost of nearby apartments and townhomes or condos are not much cheaper than the home I am in. (3 bedroom apartments started at 1,100$ a month without any utilities. I pay 1275, 1350 if he raises my rent) Looking at my income and such there is no reason I can't afford this. I do not have any other debt. My other bills are all reasonable, and in December I can put my bills on equal pay so that will help with budgeting. So why am I always so tight? I know I am horrible at planning meals and with my busy schedule I eat out far too often. But that is the only place I can identify where I over spent, but every month I am about 2 to 4 hundred dollars short to get me through the month with gas and everything. In January I will be paying off a couple things (I am only eligible for my cobra through Feb, so that will be gone, as will a couple or small contracts, dental stuff, braces, etc,) But I will also lose Brenton's SS Survivors income the end of Jan. SO I guess I will stick it out through then to make certain I am not just making a rash decision. But anyone who is good at budgets please give me some advice. I welcome any suggestions. Just tired of not being able to cover everything that needs covering each month...
(And I realize my kids are old enough to have jobs, but there are other things to consider when suggesting they get a job. They are both very involved in extra curricular, and so they don't have much free time for that, also they are both finally focusing on school after a couple years of shutting down after Kris died, and I hate to see their school work suffer again, I would rather they focus on school for now. Also They do not have their license yet, and I am ok with it. I would need a second car and my insurance would go up drastically, and when I am already tight why take on more... plus they have not been overly pushing for it...)
Day 129... budget help
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Asking for help...
One thing I learned early on in being a widow... I can't do it alone, I need to ask for help. This was not an easy thing to learn, as I am someone who is very independent. I hate acknowledging I can't do something on my own. But looking at my list of goals and to do lists I have realized I am to that point where I need help. So this blog post is my in direct way of asking friends and family who see this post for help.
My house... I need help cleaning and organizing. Sure I have kids who help, and they do. But it is like pulling teeth to get them to do the basics, and I am to the point I need to sort through some of the boxes that are piled in my basement from other moves. And as for myself, I need motivation to do it, someone offering to help might be just that.
My cars... my dad has offered as well as my brother and cousin... my problem is I need a car NOW and I am to the point where both my cars are slowing falling apart, I get one working to be a back up while the other is fixed, and before it can be fixed the back up is slipping again.
Weight/exercise... I have really been good about exercise, I have been taking dance classes each week the last couple weeks... but I need someone who encourages me to eat right. I am not good at fixing and planning dinners so far too often it turns into takeout... which is not healthy nor cheap. There was a point in my married life I was good at this... I just need to get back to that point. But someone to help encourage me would be awesome...
Budget... someone who is good with budgeting should sit with me and help me make a reasonable one. I am too impulsive.
Kids schedules... This next year with the girls going to a charter school I will need help with carpools, as well as a couple days of help with Clay and Bren... (Or help getting the older two to hurry and get their licenses... I tried to put it in their hands, thinking it would motivate them, but it hasn't. When I bring it up they get annoyed... I haven't minded too much because it would increase insurance, and my whole car situation)
Lastly help getting myself out... I know part of this falls on me, but I find myself spending far too much time online, in front of the TV, or in bed. I have been good and taken my anti depressants.. but I think it is more than simply depression, it is grieving as well. I miss the social me who got out with friends regularly, who went to dinner groups, etc.
Also if there is anything else you see I may need help with but neglected to ask... just ask, or step up and do it.
Help, Thanks... day 128
My house... I need help cleaning and organizing. Sure I have kids who help, and they do. But it is like pulling teeth to get them to do the basics, and I am to the point I need to sort through some of the boxes that are piled in my basement from other moves. And as for myself, I need motivation to do it, someone offering to help might be just that.
My cars... my dad has offered as well as my brother and cousin... my problem is I need a car NOW and I am to the point where both my cars are slowing falling apart, I get one working to be a back up while the other is fixed, and before it can be fixed the back up is slipping again.
Weight/exercise... I have really been good about exercise, I have been taking dance classes each week the last couple weeks... but I need someone who encourages me to eat right. I am not good at fixing and planning dinners so far too often it turns into takeout... which is not healthy nor cheap. There was a point in my married life I was good at this... I just need to get back to that point. But someone to help encourage me would be awesome...
Budget... someone who is good with budgeting should sit with me and help me make a reasonable one. I am too impulsive.
Kids schedules... This next year with the girls going to a charter school I will need help with carpools, as well as a couple days of help with Clay and Bren... (Or help getting the older two to hurry and get their licenses... I tried to put it in their hands, thinking it would motivate them, but it hasn't. When I bring it up they get annoyed... I haven't minded too much because it would increase insurance, and my whole car situation)
Lastly help getting myself out... I know part of this falls on me, but I find myself spending far too much time online, in front of the TV, or in bed. I have been good and taken my anti depressants.. but I think it is more than simply depression, it is grieving as well. I miss the social me who got out with friends regularly, who went to dinner groups, etc.
Also if there is anything else you see I may need help with but neglected to ask... just ask, or step up and do it.
Help, Thanks... day 128
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