A Fresh Start for a New Year...

Wow it has been quite a year, and I thought we would never top 2010 for bad years! Started school, had a year of "firsts" and ended it with a move. While the circumstances surrounding the move were not great, I think the move will be. It is in the neighborhood I grew up in, they know us and our situation... and it will force me to budget a lot more and be more frugal. After trying to be there for everyone, and help others out, while I am certain it is what Kris would have done, I now need to focus on Me and my kids. We have been through a lot this past year and I can see where we have kinda fall apart in some areas... Kris would be disappointed in us, he was all about family first.
With a new home comes new organization. I am determined to get back to my "OCD" me with little signs on the walls in rooms reminding kiddos of what is expected of them, everything in it's own place, and never a question of where it goes or where it is. I can't wait! Also I hope it will bring the kids back to reality as far as helping and contributing in their chores.
Finally after a sad first year without Kris, I am getting out. I have gone out with a friend I grew up with a couple times now and it has been great! He and I can relate on single parenting, and he knew Kris. I love that he is willing and able to talk about Kris, I think the kids like that too. I don't know where it is going, or if it anything more than friends reconnecting, but for a "first" dating experience after loss it has been a good one.
I think now where I am not in a house that consumes me, and I can focus on our family and myself, I will finally be able to get back in shape. I am going to make a better effort to avoid the junk food, and with budgeting I can't afford fast food or take out any more. I will have to budget my entertainment as well, and I always preferred something physical, so I am going to take the older kids dance class and get back into running. I felt good when I was running and looked good, I want to get back there...(CONFESSION: I have put on more weight this year being a widow than I did with ALL 4 pregnancies...)
So here is the point of my post...
GOALS for the end of the year...
   1) finish moving. Get everything of ours out of that house.
   2) figure a budget. Before I can use it, I need to know it right?
   3) clean and set up here. I can't expect them to keep it that way unless it starts that way right?
   4) plan a menu. Gotta eat, and if it is planned it is harder to justify fast food.
   5) set up food/exercise journal. I would lose weight if I don't have a plan in place.
New Years Resolutions...
   1)Keep our home clean and organized.
   2) Plan a budget and keep it, don't overspend and try to save money (Need to file my 7 so I can have that behind me and have a bank account)
   3)NO FAST FOOD! Plan on twice a month take out or pizza for family nights or birthdays, otherwise NO!
   4)Exercise daily! Running dancing sit-ups anything as long as daily I do something active!
   5) Church... I want to get back into good church habits, attending, paying tithe, FHE, scripture study.
   6) I need to focus on my kids as well, I know my school is important to provide for them, as is work, but how will they be a productive positive member of society when they are adults if I fail as a parent to teach them the skills they need and get them through school?
   7) Focus on our family and living life to it's fullest. I need to show the kids that we are not the one who died. That he wants us to have a full and happy life, how can I expect them to "move on" and function without being "stuck" or "defined" by their loss, if I don't. I will make an effort to get out and enjoy life. I will encourage them to do so as well in a positive way!

Day 124... New Year Resolutions!

Money...

Not gonna lie, I hate it. I hate worrying about it, not having enough of it, coming up with it. Last year generous people helped me get to a point where I felt I was in a good position financially, sure I had a lot of crap to get through and overcome, but now a year later, when I thought I was good, I had my rent paid ahead for Christmas, and I been certain I had enough to pay the last major thing I needed to. Then I need to find somewhere else to live. Right before the holidays, so money I thought I had for kids and Christmas, and my last thing to pay with Kris's passing, now has to go to a deposit on a rental home.

I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...

So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.

Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.

Day 123... grrr... money

Can I be done with these damn trials?

I am so done with things piling up. We have made it a year... which is HUGE, it means we know we can do it again. (I learned that with my mom). But the week of his passing brought on more than I was ready for. A friend needed a quick place to stay when her room she was renting went bad, so I offered to stay with us temporarily. Which turned out more temporary than I could have thought, the week after my in-laws informed me that I need to be out be the first of January. This on top of the anniversary of Kris's passing (plus my friend/roommate lost her dad that week, AND Kris's uncle passed as well.
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.

Day 122... broken

Wednesday IS the Day!!!

I will get money, I will resign up at my gym, I will start on some diet drops to kick start my weight loss, I will be productive on my day off, and I will get some order and organization in my life. I am trying desperately to finish up ANY paper work that has to do with Kris and his passing by the first anniversary... I just want it done! I feel like I am myself drowning... I am losing myself to everything else I have going on in my life. I need to be organized and happy with myself if I expect my kids to be that way as well. How can I expect them to be productive and organized if I am not setting that example? So I am going to get there, and Wednesday is the day! Although  I am going to start my running tonight!

Day 121... THE DAY!

Dropped...

I finally have admitted it to myself, I have taken on a little too much... so I did it, I dropped a class at school. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are now free, which is just what I have needed a day to myself... except I am not using it like i should, I have spend the last couple of them curled up in bed after I get the kids off to school. I am feeling so overwhelmed with some of my classes... I really wish I could just go and listen and participate for credit... but I need to write the papers that go along with it.

I wish I could drop all this extra weight I have put on since he has been gone... I am the heaviest I have EVER been... even with ALL my pregnancies. I find myself eating late at night, I have no energy for exercising because I can't sleep... or I sleep too much.

I need to clean my house, but can't bring myself to get it done, I have no time nor energy. I get some help from the kids, but they have their things they need to do as well. I figure I have survived the year from hell without him by letting some things go. It is coming up on eleven months and I am an emotional wreck! I feel like I have barely functioned through this year... but I functioned. I need to make this next year better, for all of us.

SO my goal with this post... drop the excuses... and make a commitment to get my house in order before our one year mark. DO it for him... I have never been a good housekeeper, EVER, I would only do it to impress him... unless he asked me then my stubborn streak would kick in and I would not touch a thing until he backed off... I miss him...

Day 120... Drop the excuses!

A simple solution/goal

So my house is slowly getting to where I want it to be... Clean and organized. I feel I cannot continue with the repairs until I finish started projects, and get the house clean and organized so I can attack one project effectively at a time. I am glad I am "paid" up on rent through December... however if I can get stuff gone to get ahead I will gladly do so. So here is the goal. If I can get through a pile/bucket/basket a day, and organize, junk, assign it a place I will eventually get things done. Then it will be much more doable. So that is my goal, I am hoping to have it done before the holidays. If anyone who is bored and reads my poor me blogs and feels like they want to come tackle a bin with me you are more than welcome (although I really should warn you I am a little OCD and a control freak) Also I am trying to make a couple things a positive habit in my life... running/ walking each night. And also for a class I am trying to get in the habit of writing each night... maybe at this rate I will eventually finish a story... So here is to daily habits and changes! Day 119...Positive Habits!

New School Year...

So I am hoping in the next couple of days, and the next week while kids are gone and I am home I can finish up organizing, and cleaning the house. There is still lots to do, but it needs to get done... it is just a matter of finding the time. Lots of things to do still, and running out of time to do it, or so it seems. A couple of Bren's close friends are going to be staying with us for a while, so we need to make sure they have their own room to make it their own and feel comfortable in there.

The goal for the weekend... organize and conquer! How awesome will it be to have it all clean and organized, and only have to attack one room at a time to remodel it? I think it will make it go much easier!

Day 118... Organization deadline!