Here it is a weekend I have off, nothing big plan (except a wedding tonight) and I have informed my kids the are grounded for the weekend so we can accomplish LOTS!!! If big things don't happen then their summer is truly going to suck. So here is the to do list...
Finish kitchen... installed, painted, electric working... the works! (window and window sill will come later)
Finish the bedrooms/play room... Lay the last of the floor and finish connecting the rooms, paint the last two rooms and get them cleaned and organized... in the girls room finish the window and window sill... and check the electrical in there as well... boys and play room window to come later as well... Oh and I need to find a light fixture for the girls room.
So then I should have EVERYTHING done upstairs except the floor boards, a few more windows, and the bathrooms... those will be left for another project, another day.
Then I can also focus on the basement... my goal is the have the basement carpeted, organized, and my room and family room set up by mid July so we can enjoy it, and then all that will be left down there are windows and bathroom as well...
Day 111... UPSTAIRS DONE!!!
PS... if anyone reading this has any nothing better to do this weekend, I would LOVE any help I can get!!!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Too Much
When is enough enough? I am feeling so overwhelmed, exhausted, and confused. I never seem to have enough time, and there is so much to do, and I don't have the time to do it, or cope with it.
For starters... Kris. He passed 6 months ago, and while I find I can go longer stretches without breakdowns, but when they hit, they seem harder and harder. I like to think we are coping well, and tell the kids so, but I feel like it is eating away at me the pain of it.
Then add to that I am trying to make certain all of our dental, medical issues are being taken care of so the extra expenses of them can be handled right away. I am almost done with the dentist for the kids, and am starting to get mine finished up. And I am going in for lasik for my eyes on Tues. while I am excited about it, I am a little stressed.
Next is the house... I am slowly getting stuff bought, and ready for the house, but I am so busy lately and have no time to get it installed. I have offers to come help, but no time to be there to have them do it. And cleaning... I just get further and further behind, and hate being there because it just reminds of what all I need to do.
And School... really what was I thinking? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already lets add school to it! I just need to buck up and get through it, but some days it is so overwhelming. I hate being behind in my reading, and I feel like I am so exhausted trying to get it done.
Then work... I love my dance job and can't imagine not having it, but it is nearing recital time, a stressful time anyway, but add that it will not have Kris and it is sooo much worse. This is like another holiday for us... a week long one in which we practically move into Kingsbury Hall. Then Preschool, I love that because I feel I get to work with my best friends... and with school and having to keep ikea, I won't be able to work it, and that breaks my heart. Then there is IKEA... I have tried to manipulate and qualify for another health care, any health care, so I can quit it... but it is just not looking like it will work... so I am stuck there until I finish school and get a job with good insurance.
Lastly... FAMILY! I love my kids and there are days they are the only thing that gets me through... but I am so done with the fighting, it makes me scream and cuss, and I hate that side of me... and they just don't ever let up! Then my dad... I truly feel like in some ways he has abandoned me when I need him most, like at Kris's funeral when I feel like he was more concerned about his sister than me. He is the closest person to me who knows exactly what I am going through... but he has remained so distant. Then he has rushed into a new relationship and they are engaged after less than a month of dating. So once again when I feel I really need him for me and my kids, I feel like he is abandoning us. I really sincerely like his fiancée, but there are awkward issues involved as well, she is closer to my age than his, she has a son younger than my youngest... I just see a deja vu of my mom's resentment of her dad when he remarried. Grandpa was there for all HER children's and grandkids events, but was not there for her or her sisters and their kids. I feel like MOM is being forgotten. Dad didn't leave flowers or anything for her on mother's day, and he keeps calling his new bride to be the love of his life... SO WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE MOM? I think part of me fears that Kris will be forgotten like that. Then my in-laws are awesome, and very supportive, but then there are days they call to check on me, or stop by, and I feel like it turns into me giving them support, or comforting them. Please don't get me wrong, I love them and am grateful that I can be there in that way for them... but when is it my turn to lean on someone? I feel like all my support systems have their own lives and family to deal with, or are abandoning me in some way...
Finally there is my personal issues... I am feeling so FAT lately. I have no time to cook, and no talent for it either. So we have fast food all the time it seems. I have put on so much weight, I feel so gross... I hate looking at myself, I hate this lonely feeling... at night I feel like I eat from boredom more than anything, and I hate cooking because it just reminds me of another reason I am missing Kris sooo much, he was the best cook... why he did it and not me.
Day 110... There is my venting...
For starters... Kris. He passed 6 months ago, and while I find I can go longer stretches without breakdowns, but when they hit, they seem harder and harder. I like to think we are coping well, and tell the kids so, but I feel like it is eating away at me the pain of it.
Then add to that I am trying to make certain all of our dental, medical issues are being taken care of so the extra expenses of them can be handled right away. I am almost done with the dentist for the kids, and am starting to get mine finished up. And I am going in for lasik for my eyes on Tues. while I am excited about it, I am a little stressed.
Next is the house... I am slowly getting stuff bought, and ready for the house, but I am so busy lately and have no time to get it installed. I have offers to come help, but no time to be there to have them do it. And cleaning... I just get further and further behind, and hate being there because it just reminds of what all I need to do.
And School... really what was I thinking? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already lets add school to it! I just need to buck up and get through it, but some days it is so overwhelming. I hate being behind in my reading, and I feel like I am so exhausted trying to get it done.
Then work... I love my dance job and can't imagine not having it, but it is nearing recital time, a stressful time anyway, but add that it will not have Kris and it is sooo much worse. This is like another holiday for us... a week long one in which we practically move into Kingsbury Hall. Then Preschool, I love that because I feel I get to work with my best friends... and with school and having to keep ikea, I won't be able to work it, and that breaks my heart. Then there is IKEA... I have tried to manipulate and qualify for another health care, any health care, so I can quit it... but it is just not looking like it will work... so I am stuck there until I finish school and get a job with good insurance.
Lastly... FAMILY! I love my kids and there are days they are the only thing that gets me through... but I am so done with the fighting, it makes me scream and cuss, and I hate that side of me... and they just don't ever let up! Then my dad... I truly feel like in some ways he has abandoned me when I need him most, like at Kris's funeral when I feel like he was more concerned about his sister than me. He is the closest person to me who knows exactly what I am going through... but he has remained so distant. Then he has rushed into a new relationship and they are engaged after less than a month of dating. So once again when I feel I really need him for me and my kids, I feel like he is abandoning us. I really sincerely like his fiancée, but there are awkward issues involved as well, she is closer to my age than his, she has a son younger than my youngest... I just see a deja vu of my mom's resentment of her dad when he remarried. Grandpa was there for all HER children's and grandkids events, but was not there for her or her sisters and their kids. I feel like MOM is being forgotten. Dad didn't leave flowers or anything for her on mother's day, and he keeps calling his new bride to be the love of his life... SO WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE MOM? I think part of me fears that Kris will be forgotten like that. Then my in-laws are awesome, and very supportive, but then there are days they call to check on me, or stop by, and I feel like it turns into me giving them support, or comforting them. Please don't get me wrong, I love them and am grateful that I can be there in that way for them... but when is it my turn to lean on someone? I feel like all my support systems have their own lives and family to deal with, or are abandoning me in some way...
Finally there is my personal issues... I am feeling so FAT lately. I have no time to cook, and no talent for it either. So we have fast food all the time it seems. I have put on so much weight, I feel so gross... I hate looking at myself, I hate this lonely feeling... at night I feel like I eat from boredom more than anything, and I hate cooking because it just reminds me of another reason I am missing Kris sooo much, he was the best cook... why he did it and not me.
Day 110... There is my venting...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
What was I thinking?
I am starting school on Monday, and have yet to get the house clean and in any sort of order. I have a new kitchen coming the end of May and several started and unfinished projects I need to complete, as well as recital time coming up. And that is not even counting the kids activities, kids school work, my jobs, kids summer camps and any other obligations that seem to continue to come up... add to that I have told the kiddos I would take them to Disneyland over Memorial Day weekend.
I am feeling so overwhelmed, and I have so much to do. I feel like I am always going, going going, and when I finally have a second at home, cleaning organizing and house repairs are the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to collapse, sleep, veg out watching TV or searching stuff online.
So How do I find motivation, time, energy to get it done?
Day 109... UGGGGHHHH
I am feeling so overwhelmed, and I have so much to do. I feel like I am always going, going going, and when I finally have a second at home, cleaning organizing and house repairs are the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to collapse, sleep, veg out watching TV or searching stuff online.
So How do I find motivation, time, energy to get it done?
Day 109... UGGGGHHHH
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
SICK
So I am going on day 4 of being sick. I am so irritated because I am on spring break. I planned on getting lots accomplished on the house and cleaning and errands done... instead I feel like I am on my death bed... laying there hoping I don't cough, wishing my throat didn't hurt, debating if I need an extra blanket or to take off the sweatshirt. The last 4 days have been such a blur, I wasn't certain what day it was until I looked it up... I have many a weird fever induced dreams, realized I hadn't actually brushed my hair since Friday, and just now trying to clean some laundry that is still comfy for laying around ill.
Now to the goal... To simplify my major cleaning plans to include just the upstairs... I think that is still doable... with my kids help of course. Oh yeah, and I still have Easter shopping to do, and I wanted to get family pics done... another thing on hold... GRRRR
Day 108... feel better
Now to the goal... To simplify my major cleaning plans to include just the upstairs... I think that is still doable... with my kids help of course. Oh yeah, and I still have Easter shopping to do, and I wanted to get family pics done... another thing on hold... GRRRR
Day 108... feel better
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
All or Nothing
That has been how I lived my life since I can remember. My house is either ALL spotless and everything in it's place, or it is total chaos. I can either put everything into a project and get it done quickly, or I mentally shut down and can't motivate myself to do anything.
That is where I think I am at. I have mentally shut down. I am tired and exhausted by the end of each day, and find myself so tired I can barely keep my eyes open... until 3 am, when I can't get myself to go to sleep.
I am trying to arrange and work things out so a few things can happen. I can free up my schedule a little and be able to keep up on the house a little more. And I am trying to finish up projects on the house so we can get back to my organized life.
Kris was big on a little is better than none. He would get the worst part of the mess picked up and pile the rest for me to go through later... I hated it and it drove me crazy. Now I am wishing I could get it to that point... tidy, with a few piles... but clean. I now have a couple deadlines. I think that will help if anyone wants something to do next week let me know... I am sure I can use it.
Day 107... ALL
That is where I think I am at. I have mentally shut down. I am tired and exhausted by the end of each day, and find myself so tired I can barely keep my eyes open... until 3 am, when I can't get myself to go to sleep.
I am trying to arrange and work things out so a few things can happen. I can free up my schedule a little and be able to keep up on the house a little more. And I am trying to finish up projects on the house so we can get back to my organized life.
Kris was big on a little is better than none. He would get the worst part of the mess picked up and pile the rest for me to go through later... I hated it and it drove me crazy. Now I am wishing I could get it to that point... tidy, with a few piles... but clean. I now have a couple deadlines. I think that will help if anyone wants something to do next week let me know... I am sure I can use it.
Day 107... ALL
Monday, April 4, 2011
Lists...
I am a list girl, my mom was a list person, Kris was NOT a list person, he would get annoyed. He thought I was more worried about the lists then just doing it to get them done.
I have so many lists I am tired of keeping track. A list for home improvements, a list for call I need to make, a list of appointments I need to keep, a grocery list for home depot, the grocery store, and a list of to get done for work, see now I am even making a list of my lists... will it never end?
I am starting to think my hubby had a point to forgetting about the lists and just doing what needs to be done (although the last few months he would get annoyed if I didn't make a list of which kids had to be where each day, he acted annoyed for a while so I stopped writing them, then when he said in a fight once how he missed things because I stopped making him a list, i told him I stopped cause he acted annoyed with it, he replied it was a to do list, of course I was annoyed... but I still did it and it helped me remember)
So here it is the goal behind this here rant. Condense lists. I see the usefulness in them, I just think perhaps I reply on them a little more than I should. Rather than trying to get them written so I can cross them off is not a good reason for them, writing them so I don't forget what I need to get done is a much better reason for them.
day 106... simplify lists
I have so many lists I am tired of keeping track. A list for home improvements, a list for call I need to make, a list of appointments I need to keep, a grocery list for home depot, the grocery store, and a list of to get done for work, see now I am even making a list of my lists... will it never end?
I am starting to think my hubby had a point to forgetting about the lists and just doing what needs to be done (although the last few months he would get annoyed if I didn't make a list of which kids had to be where each day, he acted annoyed for a while so I stopped writing them, then when he said in a fight once how he missed things because I stopped making him a list, i told him I stopped cause he acted annoyed with it, he replied it was a to do list, of course I was annoyed... but I still did it and it helped me remember)
So here it is the goal behind this here rant. Condense lists. I see the usefulness in them, I just think perhaps I reply on them a little more than I should. Rather than trying to get them written so I can cross them off is not a good reason for them, writing them so I don't forget what I need to get done is a much better reason for them.
day 106... simplify lists
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Not myself
Lately I am feeling fat, tired, run down, sick, just not the me I like at all. I am trying my antidepressants again, and trying to cut down on fast food. I know that is a huge reason for me feeling gross... and why I have put on so much weight. I have a pass to the gym, I need to use it. I know how to eat right, I need to do it. So here is my ME goal. To try to find a diet and a time to workout that works for ME.
I have taken off the last day of March to attempt to get me house in as much ORDER as I can, so I can start April in a positive direction. Eating right, exercising, organized etc. Then hopefully some of the major projects I am working on in the house can be accomplished before school starts for me.
If anyone wants to join me in my deep cleaning Thursday, come on by! If you want to start dieting, and exercising with me give me a call as well.
I am NOT by nature the person who is overweight and feeling bleh, I am in a much better mood when I work out, and eat right... it just takes some focus on my part to do so. I am also the person who likes everything in a place and organized... I hate half assing cleaning, little piles annoy me more than the chaos my house is in. I am an all or nothing kinda gal you could say... and I am DONE with the nothing and ready to have it all... well all I can.
Day 105... back to the real me, I hope
I have taken off the last day of March to attempt to get me house in as much ORDER as I can, so I can start April in a positive direction. Eating right, exercising, organized etc. Then hopefully some of the major projects I am working on in the house can be accomplished before school starts for me.
If anyone wants to join me in my deep cleaning Thursday, come on by! If you want to start dieting, and exercising with me give me a call as well.
I am NOT by nature the person who is overweight and feeling bleh, I am in a much better mood when I work out, and eat right... it just takes some focus on my part to do so. I am also the person who likes everything in a place and organized... I hate half assing cleaning, little piles annoy me more than the chaos my house is in. I am an all or nothing kinda gal you could say... and I am DONE with the nothing and ready to have it all... well all I can.
Day 105... back to the real me, I hope
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