SICK

So I am going on day 4 of being sick. I am so irritated because I am on spring break. I planned on getting lots accomplished on the house and cleaning and errands done... instead I feel like I am on my death bed... laying there hoping I don't cough, wishing my throat didn't hurt, debating if I need an extra blanket or to take off the sweatshirt. The last 4 days have been such a blur, I wasn't certain what day it was until I looked it up... I have many a weird fever induced dreams, realized I hadn't actually brushed my hair since Friday, and just now trying to clean some laundry that is still comfy for laying around ill.

Now to the goal... To simplify my major cleaning plans to include just the upstairs... I think that is still doable... with my kids help of course. Oh yeah, and I still have Easter shopping to do, and I wanted to get family pics done... another thing on hold... GRRRR

Day 108... feel better

All or Nothing

That has been how I lived my life since I can remember. My house is either ALL spotless and everything in it's place, or it is total chaos. I can either put everything into a project and get it done quickly, or I mentally shut down and can't motivate myself to do anything.

That is where I think I am at. I have mentally shut down. I am tired and exhausted by the end of each day, and find myself so tired I can barely keep my eyes open... until 3 am, when I can't get myself to go to sleep.

I am trying to arrange and work things out so a few things can happen. I can free up my schedule a little and be able to keep up on the house a little more. And I am trying to finish up projects on the house so we can get back to my organized life.

Kris was big on a little is better than none. He would get the worst part of the mess picked up and pile the rest for me to go through later... I hated it and it drove me crazy. Now I am wishing I could get it to that point... tidy, with a few piles... but clean. I now have a couple deadlines. I think that will help if anyone wants something to do next week let me know... I am sure I can use it.

Day 107... ALL

Lists...

I am a list girl, my mom was a list person, Kris was NOT a list person, he would get annoyed. He thought I was more worried about the lists then just doing it to get them done.

I have so many lists I am tired of keeping track. A list for home improvements, a list for call I need to make, a list of appointments I need to keep, a grocery list for home depot, the grocery store, and a list of to get done for work, see now I am even making a list of my lists... will it never end?

I am starting to think my hubby had a point to forgetting about the lists and just doing what needs to be done (although the last few months he would get annoyed if I didn't make a list of which kids had to be where each day, he acted annoyed for a while so I stopped writing them, then when he said in a fight once how he missed things because I stopped making him a list, i told him I stopped cause he acted annoyed with it, he replied it was a to do list, of course I was annoyed... but I still did it and it helped me remember)

So here it is the goal behind this here rant. Condense lists. I see the usefulness in them, I just think perhaps I reply on them a little more than I should. Rather than trying to get them written so I can cross them off is not a good reason for them, writing them so I don't forget what I need to get done is a much better reason for them.

day 106... simplify lists

Not myself

Lately I am feeling fat, tired, run down, sick, just not the me I like at all. I am trying my antidepressants again, and trying to cut down on fast food. I know that is a huge reason for me feeling gross... and why I have put on so much weight. I have a pass to the gym, I need to use it. I know how to eat right, I need to do it. So here is my ME goal. To try to find a diet and a time to workout that works for ME.

I have taken off the last day of March to attempt to get me house in as much ORDER as I can, so I can start April in a positive direction. Eating right, exercising, organized etc. Then hopefully some of the major projects I am working on in the house can be accomplished before school starts for me.

If anyone wants to join me in my deep cleaning Thursday, come on by! If you want to start dieting, and exercising with me give me a call as well.

I am NOT by nature the person who is overweight and feeling bleh, I am in a much better mood when I work out, and eat right... it just takes some focus on my part to do so. I am also the person who likes everything in a place and organized... I hate half assing cleaning, little piles annoy me more than the chaos my house is in. I am an all or nothing kinda gal you could say... and I am DONE with the nothing and ready to have it all... well all I can.

Day 105... back to the real me, I hope

Why me?

So after posting my "plan" and how overwhelmed I have been, a couple things I tried to face burst my bubble. 1) I was counting on qualifying for Medicaid, or at least CHIP (government sponsored healthcare) SO I could quit my insurance job making time for school. Well we don't qualify, because while I DON'T count the kids SS Survivor benefits for taxes, bank loans, grants, etc. Apparently it counts when applying for government health care help. So we make too much to qualify, and because I have a job that offers benefits, I can't qualify for CHIP for the kids, and if I quit so I can qualify, they will suspend me from applying to the program.

So I was counting on the government helping with that so when I go to school, I didn't have to worrying about working for benefits, and paying for them. So because of this my first choice of schools I was accepted to is too expensive being a private school. I liked this school because it was closer, smaller classes, I could finish quicker, they accepted more of my extra transfer classes than other schools, and they guaranteed job placement after I graduated.So I am going to apply to one more school and see if I can get in and whether or not I qualify.

I am just frustrated because I feel I am back to taking 2 steps forward and 3 back. I can't quit my benefits job now because we need those for our family, and I can't afford a cobra. The only hope is that IF I do quit I can apply for UPP a government program that helps cover a COBRA if I qualify for one. But if I quit and don't qualify, I am back to square one with no insurance. So here I go back to square one in some things... still overwhelmed in everything else...

And to top it off it has been a rather difficult few weeks. There is something in the air that has just set ALL of us off much quicker.

Day 104... What next?

Somethings got to go...

But what? I am finding myself more and more overwhelmed lately. No time for anything that needs to be done. Between work and kids and all the busy paper work and house repairs needing to be done, I am mentally checking out most days. I HATE this about me. I was looking through old pictures and saw my kids younger. I was always the mom that made certain they looked cute, hair was done, bathed etc. Nowadays I am lucky if they get out of the house in a clean shirt.

I feel like there is so much that needs to be done, and I need to do, I can't give anything up yet. I know some people thing my kids are too busy and I should cut some of their things... but them keeping busy and active is what helps them cope best. I know with all my jobs, the idea of going back to school seems ludicrous, but I have a STRONG feeling about this. This is what will be best for us overall. It will be a career, similar hours to all of theirs, and it will give me something to stay busy when they are grown. SO for 2 years of working hard, I think the benefits will out way the sacrifice (I hope).

I love my jobs with my "family" and can't imagine giving those up completely EVER. Besides overall they do not take up too much time... in truth it is the kids schedules there that take up the time. My other job I know i will have to eventually give up... It is currently only paying for benefits, and while I am not receiving any paycheck from them now and I am surviving, I will be fine. But I need to stick it out until I verify I have benefits from medicaid.

I think what is stressing me is the housework, and paperwork. Stuff that needs to get done, but is is so consuming and overwhelming. I don't know where to start, and once I find a place and get going something else comes up, or one of the kids need to be somewhere, or someone stops by to "check" on me.

I can just feel myself shutting down somedays... Now don't get me wrong I do find time for myself, or get out with friends on an occasional evening... but then I feel guilty because I should have been doing something else, something more productive.

I feel so exhausted lately, and my head feels a constant throbbing. I know I am getting burned out, but I just don't know when to say NO or enough is enough... I think because I feel I can't yet.

Day 103... when is enough enough?

Jobs and Friends...

So with it getting closer and closer to school starting for me, I keep looking forward to dropping one of my other jobs to make it work. And while I am really looking forward to having one less obligation (well replacing it really), and thinking how nice it will be to be done with it, I realize what a huge blessing it has been. I have gotten so close to some of my co-workers, I will miss them terribly. But I am so grateful for the bond I have with them.

I am LOVING these girls. I have been so touched and gotten so close to them, I hate the idea of not seeing them at least weekly. While there have been several other perks to this temporary job... I KNOW the biggest was meeting them... Who knew in a years time you could bond so close to some people. I LOVE you guys... I hope you all know who you are... if not I will message ya later... hee hee..

Day 102... bonds