So last time I wrote on here I saw little reason for so many blogs... but shortly after regretted it, and undeleted them... I like having my blogs and views on life a little divided. SO here is the quick run down of how they are divided...
1- Allison and family, in which I tell about the goings on of myself and the kids... it is private so you must request to see it... I want to keep my kids safe.
2- Here I GO Again (this one), in which I discuss personal goals I have and my progress on achieving them, or lack of...
3- Purple, this is my most private one, but also my most public... it is where I actually break down about how I am feeling with the loss of my husband. I am the most honest here, and this one gets the most views, mostly from fellow widows, so I feel it helps me to get it out, and it helps others to know they are not alone in their feelings.
4- Allioops, this is one of my favourite, and also most neglected blogs... it is where I post crafty, creative, recipes, organizing tips, etc. I think because when I am on top of my life and can spend time on this part of me, I truly enjoy it... but it is pretty rare.
and finally, 5- It was a dark and stormy night, (worst opening line of a book ever, in fact they hold writing contests based on this line) I have a love hate relationship with this one. It is where I write for fun, my creative endeavors, and hopefully where something published eventually will one day start... but it is also where I save my school work I am proud of, or procrastinate on...
With that recap on to this posts goal...
I want to be better at my blogging/writing... it is very therapeutic for me, and I function better when I do. And I want to be better at all of them... not just a couple... because that will help balance my life as well.
Early on I mentioned how I want to stop biting my nails... I have done AWESOME at that, they are so long and pretty, I am really proud of them actually.
Exercise, and dieting... I have been bad at these, but lately I have found a new desire to better myself. I signed up for a 1/2 marathon in 3 weeks, and I have been going to the gym, I haven't been eating as good as I would like, but I have been better. And next week I am taking some dance classes and that will help a ton.
School, it is going to take a little longer than I originally hoped, but with that I am hoping I can add my endorsement by then as well. Also I have a couple classes I need to finish, and then apply for the teaching program. I have dates, and plans and will get this accomplished.
My kids, I have had the chance to spend some one on one time with each of them, but I need to do it more consistently and with a purpose or plan. I want to make sure they are accomplishing their goals, and know what I need to do to help them.
Budget, I really need to work on this, I find myself short every month trying to make it to next pay day... not a good way to live. But there have been huge accomplishments on this. I have a bank account, which is huge, and my bankruptcy is filed... which means I can start rebuilding my credit as a single woman, which is a little bitter sweet.
Church, I have been better here as well, but I need to keep it up to set an example for the kids, I think I was in too much of a funk for so long, the kids remember that example. I am getting there, but it will take time.
There are many more aspects I am sure I could/need to address, but this is a good start for now. I think if I start breaking them down daily that will help me as well.
Day 127... ready for a fresh start
Friday, July 6, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Stress...
My head hurts just thinking about all the stress I have to deal with almost continually... (really I have had a migrane for 3 straight days now). I hate not having anyone to discuss decisions that affect not only my life but my kids lives as well.
In one of my classes we were discussing the age we become adults... I thought about this for several days and came to this conclusion. I was forced to "act" like an adult because of decisions I made at a young age, 18, but I was far from an adult. Only recently do I feel I have truly "grown-up" and why do you ask? Because after 35 years I have only me, myself and I to answer to. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago, someone who despite having my own family I felt the need to "answer" to her. My father while still around, has remarried, and now is occupied in his new life with his new wife, and not someone I feel the need to answer to for anything. 13months ago I was married and had a husband to answer to, but with his passing and I no longer having any grandparents alive, I am under no obligation to answer to anyone. This realization was scary to me.
Thursday shorty after arriving to my class I got a phone call from my son's school. He had cut himself throwing a boomerang and needed stitches. What a helpless feeling. Trapped 30 minutes away when my baby needs me. I am fortunate to have close family and friends that stepped up and met me at the instacare, able to get to him faster than I was. But I hate that in order to be the adult and the parent I need to be so far away striving to educate myself so that I can attain a better job to provide for my children, and not be abe to be the stay close to home parent in case I am needed. Sure I always worked, but I could not have planned my job better if I tried. I taught preschool and dance, both of which I am able to take my children to work with me. It was flexible enough that I could leave to attend a school party or program when called to do so. I was even able to slowing work toward my goal of a higher education with a husband who supported me, and was home with kids while I attended classes. Then he was taken from me and my life turned around forever. I cannot be everywhere I want to any more. I have to choose what is best for my family in long terms as well and short ones. I have to say "No" much more often than I would like.
Because of all my stress in past months I got behind in classes, and as a result had to make school career choices that affect my graduation date. I think it will be ultimately for the best, but hate that I had to decided this on my own without a soundboard to help me walk through the pros and cons. I hate that because of trying to better myself for my kids I have to require more from them at home.
I decided I did not want to be the old maid lonely widow so I started to get out and date. I told myself it is just for fun, to get out. But when after a couple dates I have come home sad, feeling unnecessarily guilty, I have to ask myself if it is worth it. I have reconnected with an old friend I am grateful for, and will continue to love his his family, and have them over, but I think it is far too soon for me to "get out there". I have met a few friends who are great movie buddies, that I will now call when I have the need to just escape so I am not alone in the theater... and chat with them online when in the middle of an especially hard time in my life, but I do not for see any romantic connections. I think what set this off is my last night out meeting my friend for a fireside, it was on relationships, but the speaker was one I had heard of and wanted to hear. It was really great, but made me realize what a great marriage I had, and lost for the rest of my time on earth. I know I will never have that again, and don't want to settle for less. I know when I am ready and the time is right I will be willing to jump in and try to recapture some of that married bliss I had... but for now I am not ready. ( gave it a good month right?)
I hate the stress of bills, and money, and school, I hate doing it alone. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but when I try friends and families have their owns lives to deal with. They can talk for a minute or two, but have their own worries. I hate how I am sounding like poor me... but that is how I am feeling. I want my dad to step up and call and offer to take my boys out. I want someone to call and say I know it has been tough on you lately what can I do? I try to do my good and service when I can in ways I can. I know I have been very blessed by the help and support of so many loved ones... but why do I feel like it is coming to an end? Is there a magic time when after one year of being a widow you should be good now?
I need to drastically reduce some of my stress load... of anyone has suggestions please share. I realize I can't control and do everything... but as an alone parent I have to try.
Day 125... too much stress!
In one of my classes we were discussing the age we become adults... I thought about this for several days and came to this conclusion. I was forced to "act" like an adult because of decisions I made at a young age, 18, but I was far from an adult. Only recently do I feel I have truly "grown-up" and why do you ask? Because after 35 years I have only me, myself and I to answer to. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago, someone who despite having my own family I felt the need to "answer" to her. My father while still around, has remarried, and now is occupied in his new life with his new wife, and not someone I feel the need to answer to for anything. 13months ago I was married and had a husband to answer to, but with his passing and I no longer having any grandparents alive, I am under no obligation to answer to anyone. This realization was scary to me.
Thursday shorty after arriving to my class I got a phone call from my son's school. He had cut himself throwing a boomerang and needed stitches. What a helpless feeling. Trapped 30 minutes away when my baby needs me. I am fortunate to have close family and friends that stepped up and met me at the instacare, able to get to him faster than I was. But I hate that in order to be the adult and the parent I need to be so far away striving to educate myself so that I can attain a better job to provide for my children, and not be abe to be the stay close to home parent in case I am needed. Sure I always worked, but I could not have planned my job better if I tried. I taught preschool and dance, both of which I am able to take my children to work with me. It was flexible enough that I could leave to attend a school party or program when called to do so. I was even able to slowing work toward my goal of a higher education with a husband who supported me, and was home with kids while I attended classes. Then he was taken from me and my life turned around forever. I cannot be everywhere I want to any more. I have to choose what is best for my family in long terms as well and short ones. I have to say "No" much more often than I would like.
Because of all my stress in past months I got behind in classes, and as a result had to make school career choices that affect my graduation date. I think it will be ultimately for the best, but hate that I had to decided this on my own without a soundboard to help me walk through the pros and cons. I hate that because of trying to better myself for my kids I have to require more from them at home.
I decided I did not want to be the old maid lonely widow so I started to get out and date. I told myself it is just for fun, to get out. But when after a couple dates I have come home sad, feeling unnecessarily guilty, I have to ask myself if it is worth it. I have reconnected with an old friend I am grateful for, and will continue to love his his family, and have them over, but I think it is far too soon for me to "get out there". I have met a few friends who are great movie buddies, that I will now call when I have the need to just escape so I am not alone in the theater... and chat with them online when in the middle of an especially hard time in my life, but I do not for see any romantic connections. I think what set this off is my last night out meeting my friend for a fireside, it was on relationships, but the speaker was one I had heard of and wanted to hear. It was really great, but made me realize what a great marriage I had, and lost for the rest of my time on earth. I know I will never have that again, and don't want to settle for less. I know when I am ready and the time is right I will be willing to jump in and try to recapture some of that married bliss I had... but for now I am not ready. ( gave it a good month right?)
I hate the stress of bills, and money, and school, I hate doing it alone. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but when I try friends and families have their owns lives to deal with. They can talk for a minute or two, but have their own worries. I hate how I am sounding like poor me... but that is how I am feeling. I want my dad to step up and call and offer to take my boys out. I want someone to call and say I know it has been tough on you lately what can I do? I try to do my good and service when I can in ways I can. I know I have been very blessed by the help and support of so many loved ones... but why do I feel like it is coming to an end? Is there a magic time when after one year of being a widow you should be good now?
I need to drastically reduce some of my stress load... of anyone has suggestions please share. I realize I can't control and do everything... but as an alone parent I have to try.
Day 125... too much stress!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A Fresh Start for a New Year...
Wow it has been quite a year, and I thought we would never top 2010 for bad years! Started school, had a year of "firsts" and ended it with a move. While the circumstances surrounding the move were not great, I think the move will be. It is in the neighborhood I grew up in, they know us and our situation... and it will force me to budget a lot more and be more frugal. After trying to be there for everyone, and help others out, while I am certain it is what Kris would have done, I now need to focus on Me and my kids. We have been through a lot this past year and I can see where we have kinda fall apart in some areas... Kris would be disappointed in us, he was all about family first.
With a new home comes new organization. I am determined to get back to my "OCD" me with little signs on the walls in rooms reminding kiddos of what is expected of them, everything in it's own place, and never a question of where it goes or where it is. I can't wait! Also I hope it will bring the kids back to reality as far as helping and contributing in their chores.
Finally after a sad first year without Kris, I am getting out. I have gone out with a friend I grew up with a couple times now and it has been great! He and I can relate on single parenting, and he knew Kris. I love that he is willing and able to talk about Kris, I think the kids like that too. I don't know where it is going, or if it anything more than friends reconnecting, but for a "first" dating experience after loss it has been a good one.
I think now where I am not in a house that consumes me, and I can focus on our family and myself, I will finally be able to get back in shape. I am going to make a better effort to avoid the junk food, and with budgeting I can't afford fast food or take out any more. I will have to budget my entertainment as well, and I always preferred something physical, so I am going to take the older kids dance class and get back into running. I felt good when I was running and looked good, I want to get back there...(CONFESSION: I have put on more weight this year being a widow than I did with ALL 4 pregnancies...)
So here is the point of my post...
GOALS for the end of the year...
1) finish moving. Get everything of ours out of that house.
2) figure a budget. Before I can use it, I need to know it right?
3) clean and set up here. I can't expect them to keep it that way unless it starts that way right?
4) plan a menu. Gotta eat, and if it is planned it is harder to justify fast food.
5) set up food/exercise journal. I would lose weight if I don't have a plan in place.
New Years Resolutions...
1)Keep our home clean and organized.
2) Plan a budget and keep it, don't overspend and try to save money (Need to file my 7 so I can have that behind me and have a bank account)
3)NO FAST FOOD! Plan on twice a month take out or pizza for family nights or birthdays, otherwise NO!
4)Exercise daily! Running dancing sit-ups anything as long as daily I do something active!
5) Church... I want to get back into good church habits, attending, paying tithe, FHE, scripture study.
6) I need to focus on my kids as well, I know my school is important to provide for them, as is work, but how will they be a productive positive member of society when they are adults if I fail as a parent to teach them the skills they need and get them through school?
7) Focus on our family and living life to it's fullest. I need to show the kids that we are not the one who died. That he wants us to have a full and happy life, how can I expect them to "move on" and function without being "stuck" or "defined" by their loss, if I don't. I will make an effort to get out and enjoy life. I will encourage them to do so as well in a positive way!
Day 124... New Year Resolutions!
With a new home comes new organization. I am determined to get back to my "OCD" me with little signs on the walls in rooms reminding kiddos of what is expected of them, everything in it's own place, and never a question of where it goes or where it is. I can't wait! Also I hope it will bring the kids back to reality as far as helping and contributing in their chores.
Finally after a sad first year without Kris, I am getting out. I have gone out with a friend I grew up with a couple times now and it has been great! He and I can relate on single parenting, and he knew Kris. I love that he is willing and able to talk about Kris, I think the kids like that too. I don't know where it is going, or if it anything more than friends reconnecting, but for a "first" dating experience after loss it has been a good one.
I think now where I am not in a house that consumes me, and I can focus on our family and myself, I will finally be able to get back in shape. I am going to make a better effort to avoid the junk food, and with budgeting I can't afford fast food or take out any more. I will have to budget my entertainment as well, and I always preferred something physical, so I am going to take the older kids dance class and get back into running. I felt good when I was running and looked good, I want to get back there...(CONFESSION: I have put on more weight this year being a widow than I did with ALL 4 pregnancies...)
So here is the point of my post...
GOALS for the end of the year...
1) finish moving. Get everything of ours out of that house.
2) figure a budget. Before I can use it, I need to know it right?
3) clean and set up here. I can't expect them to keep it that way unless it starts that way right?
4) plan a menu. Gotta eat, and if it is planned it is harder to justify fast food.
5) set up food/exercise journal. I would lose weight if I don't have a plan in place.
New Years Resolutions...
1)Keep our home clean and organized.
2) Plan a budget and keep it, don't overspend and try to save money (Need to file my 7 so I can have that behind me and have a bank account)
3)NO FAST FOOD! Plan on twice a month take out or pizza for family nights or birthdays, otherwise NO!
4)Exercise daily! Running dancing sit-ups anything as long as daily I do something active!
5) Church... I want to get back into good church habits, attending, paying tithe, FHE, scripture study.
6) I need to focus on my kids as well, I know my school is important to provide for them, as is work, but how will they be a productive positive member of society when they are adults if I fail as a parent to teach them the skills they need and get them through school?
7) Focus on our family and living life to it's fullest. I need to show the kids that we are not the one who died. That he wants us to have a full and happy life, how can I expect them to "move on" and function without being "stuck" or "defined" by their loss, if I don't. I will make an effort to get out and enjoy life. I will encourage them to do so as well in a positive way!
Day 124... New Year Resolutions!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Money...
Not gonna lie, I hate it. I hate worrying about it, not having enough of it, coming up with it. Last year generous people helped me get to a point where I felt I was in a good position financially, sure I had a lot of crap to get through and overcome, but now a year later, when I thought I was good, I had my rent paid ahead for Christmas, and I been certain I had enough to pay the last major thing I needed to. Then I need to find somewhere else to live. Right before the holidays, so money I thought I had for kids and Christmas, and my last thing to pay with Kris's passing, now has to go to a deposit on a rental home.
I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...
So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.
Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.
Day 123... grrr... money
I am trying my best to keep kids in the same area for school, and friends, and such. And trying really hard to find a neighborhood where we know people, so the kids and I aren't frequently explaining our loss, because that gets so tiring. But with that comes higher rent, and larger deposits. AHHHH...
So here is the plan. First I am going to go to my school financial aid and find out if it is too late to accept the student loans, for a couple of reasons. First of all my cost of living has greatly increased, and second, the pell grant no longer covers summer semester, and in order to stay on track to graduate, I need to go for summer. SO this will help offset some cost and pay for my summer education. If that is not available, I will have to wait until next year when I apply for grants and stuff to accept it. Secondly I need see what I need to do to ensure my kids remain at the same schools. I am not having them deal with losing their father, and moving and changing schools. My goal is to keep it as same as possible. I love my extra kids (twins) however I strongly feel they need their dad in their lives, and with this new change, the stable environment I had originally offered is falling apart.
Then once again I find myself worried about Christmas. I am so glad I took them all to Disneyland, and told them that was a huge part of CHristmas, but they still need something under the tree, and from Santa. Just worried about coming up with all these things at once. I would prefer to be able to spend CHristmas in our own place, and not have to worry about moving over the break. I just hope I can figure out something in the next week or so so I can do that, and enjoy Christmas.
Day 123... grrr... money
Monday, November 14, 2011
Can I be done with these damn trials?
I am so done with things piling up. We have made it a year... which is HUGE, it means we know we can do it again. (I learned that with my mom). But the week of his passing brought on more than I was ready for. A friend needed a quick place to stay when her room she was renting went bad, so I offered to stay with us temporarily. Which turned out more temporary than I could have thought, the week after my in-laws informed me that I need to be out be the first of January. This on top of the anniversary of Kris's passing (plus my friend/roommate lost her dad that week, AND Kris's uncle passed as well.
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.
Day 122... broken
So in some ways it is good, because I cannot qualify for renting a house without my roommate, and I really feel I need to keep my kids in the same area for school, church, and friends. I think it would be too much to change them schools, have to explain their dad's passing continually, and I think church would lose it's importance with out people who already know them encouraging them to go.
Then there are my extra boys, who I truly love like my own. I just don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, but I need to look out for my kids and family right now, they have both parents still.
I am just feeling so broken right now. I want to be able to be the strong one still, and yet I am feeling trampled on. I thought after losing Kris the worst was over, I could build our new life as best as I can, but things just seem to be flying at me from all sides. I know I need to finish school quickly so I can get a stable paying job. I know I need to help kids with their grades to pull them out of their downward slope, I know I need to be there for them as often as I can, but I am tired of having no one there for me. Where is my support, where is my help? Then to have to find a new home around the holidays, I just want to quit. I am feeling so broken right now that no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this hole I am in, something comes and drags me right back down. I need a hand, someone to talk to, encouragement, something.
Day 122... broken
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday IS the Day!!!
I will get money, I will resign up at my gym, I will start on some diet drops to kick start my weight loss, I will be productive on my day off, and I will get some order and organization in my life. I am trying desperately to finish up ANY paper work that has to do with Kris and his passing by the first anniversary... I just want it done! I feel like I am myself drowning... I am losing myself to everything else I have going on in my life. I need to be organized and happy with myself if I expect my kids to be that way as well. How can I expect them to be productive and organized if I am not setting that example? So I am going to get there, and Wednesday is the day! Although I am going to start my running tonight!
Day 121... THE DAY!
Day 121... THE DAY!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dropped...
I finally have admitted it to myself, I have taken on a little too much... so I did it, I dropped a class at school. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are now free, which is just what I have needed a day to myself... except I am not using it like i should, I have spend the last couple of them curled up in bed after I get the kids off to school. I am feeling so overwhelmed with some of my classes... I really wish I could just go and listen and participate for credit... but I need to write the papers that go along with it.
I wish I could drop all this extra weight I have put on since he has been gone... I am the heaviest I have EVER been... even with ALL my pregnancies. I find myself eating late at night, I have no energy for exercising because I can't sleep... or I sleep too much.
I need to clean my house, but can't bring myself to get it done, I have no time nor energy. I get some help from the kids, but they have their things they need to do as well. I figure I have survived the year from hell without him by letting some things go. It is coming up on eleven months and I am an emotional wreck! I feel like I have barely functioned through this year... but I functioned. I need to make this next year better, for all of us.
SO my goal with this post... drop the excuses... and make a commitment to get my house in order before our one year mark. DO it for him... I have never been a good housekeeper, EVER, I would only do it to impress him... unless he asked me then my stubborn streak would kick in and I would not touch a thing until he backed off... I miss him...
Day 120... Drop the excuses!
I wish I could drop all this extra weight I have put on since he has been gone... I am the heaviest I have EVER been... even with ALL my pregnancies. I find myself eating late at night, I have no energy for exercising because I can't sleep... or I sleep too much.
I need to clean my house, but can't bring myself to get it done, I have no time nor energy. I get some help from the kids, but they have their things they need to do as well. I figure I have survived the year from hell without him by letting some things go. It is coming up on eleven months and I am an emotional wreck! I feel like I have barely functioned through this year... but I functioned. I need to make this next year better, for all of us.
SO my goal with this post... drop the excuses... and make a commitment to get my house in order before our one year mark. DO it for him... I have never been a good housekeeper, EVER, I would only do it to impress him... unless he asked me then my stubborn streak would kick in and I would not touch a thing until he backed off... I miss him...
Day 120... Drop the excuses!
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