Depression

I am depressed. There are days like today where I spend every minute in bed. I go to sleep wishing I didn't have to wake up. I am not suicidal, but days like today, it is a very fine line. I feel hopeless. Alone. Lonely. Crippled. Worthless. And no matter How much I know these things aren't true, when this heavy weight comes upon me, they feel like the only things that are true in this world.
I get the most dark, disturbing thoughts flashing through my head, that I feel like I can't escape them. I think of all these ways to escape this feeling, but I am reminded of my kids and how it will affect them. But that is not the worst part of this feeling. The worst part is the battle in my head to convince myself I am wrong and that my kids need me. That I will be missed.
My impression of reality is so skewed that I feel I have hit so low I can't recover. But I do. I do every day I have something going on, out of necessity.
I continually am asked why I don't slow down and cut back on what I have going on, but I can't. It is when I have nothing going on, my kids have their own plans, I don't have work, or school, or anything else I have committed myself to be somewhere, that I get this low.
And it isn't a planned thing, or even sudden. I think how nice it will be to sleep in for once, and then I wake up and I see my kids all have plans, and don't need me. And I think I don't have to do anything. And I just go back to sleep, feeling useless, and alone. And then I have no one that really cares about me. No one checking on me if I am ok. No one invested in my well being, except me. And that is the most empty lonely feeling I have ever felt. I know there are people I could reach out to, but it is hard to admit to your own shortcomings. Especially when you already feel you are pitied by everyone who knows you.
I try to come across as confident, and sure of myself, and strong for my children. But it is tough when the walls seem to keep getting broken down, and you are the only one trying to build them up. There are always cracks, and holes that doubts can slip into easier each time.
Help.

Why do I pick on myself...

Let me start by saying I have several flaws, and many things I am not proud of, and I hope my kids can one day see that I really did my best. I am also certain that if I was better, better at planning, finances, organization, I could be better now. I feel like there are about 3 times a year I hit this point of hopelessness and pity for myself, and my life I am living. I question why I bother doing what I do. I wonder whether I am a good enough parent to my kids. I have an overwhelming sense of self doubt that it creeps so far into my life, I don't realize it until I feel it has permanently taken residence, and nothing short of an exorcism can remove it from my thoughts. These thoughts some how take over despite evidence that I am doing a decent jobs in most aspects of my life. I really do have good kids, and sure like any kids they have their moments, they are teenagers after all. I have continually been blessed, after a day of stressing over finances an angel left money in an envelope on my door. easing most of my pressing financial stresses. I admit I choose to keep busy, I don't like being at home. But because of that my house is always a mess. I know it is coming up on the anniversary of Kris's death, and I try to not let it affect me, and try not to let the kids see it affect me, but it does! Each year it brings with it another reminder of what I lost, questions about what I am missing, or what I could still have. I feel myself shutting down.

Kids vs. Electronics

I will admit, I love my phone and all the technology connected to it probably as much if not more than the next guy. It is my life line to my kids, to family, to school, to work, I rely on it heavily. And while I stress on those occasional days, or hours, the phone dies, or I leave it at home, I can also admit it is actually nice being out of touch with the world briefly. But this is not one of those posts, to disconnect.

I also admit that I am one of those mom's who allows her children to be involved in everything they want to try, making it tough to get to every event with with kids who each have a couple extra curriculars. And while I am secretly glad when a child decides to discontinue something expensive and time consuming, it is a relief. But not one of those posts either.

Why do we as parents invest so much into our kids extra curricular things, but then choose to focus on our flappy bird score rather than our little girl who is checking every 5 minutes making sure we are watching them? It breaks my heart a little when a 3 year old stops dancing because she can't se her mom or dad watching, when the other girls parents are fully attentive. It makes me even more sad when the number of observing parents dwindle as the child ages. Or because it is not a full contact sport, it doesn't hold their dad's attention.

I know that this is not every parent, but it is enough of a pattern I see it with every class I teach. Parents pouring over their phone, or other technical device, while their child is trying her best to compete for a brief glance.

I am guilty of this with my boys, I am clueless when it comes to football, so when my son isn't on the field, I am reading one of my school books. (A full time mom and student, I have to find time to study where I can, I'm not proud of this choice though.) I see the hurt in my son's face when I accidentally miss a great play, and it crushes me. It is the same look I see on my little dancers when their dad disappeared out of site of the window. But still we pile our whole family to watch weekly sports games, why can't we support the arts the same? Watch a weekly class, and by watch I don't been glance up everytime you need to reset your angry bird game.

Why can't we as parents give our children our full attention when we are allowing them to participate in these activities? We are showing our kids that what they care about is not as important as the technology on our phone. We need to show our children we are invested in them, myself included.

Whining

It really sucks that being in the position I am in having lost both a parent and a spouse, I recognize the importance of focusing on moments, and being with my children and spending time with them. But at the same time, I am the only provider for them and I feel the need to do my best to better myself so I can provide for them. 

So here is my constant dilemma... do I continue with school, which I am consistently falling behind in, and never able to do my best because of my demands as a parent and provider, or do I step back from school, and focus on being a better parent, and maintaining the house better? The problem with both is that either way which ever I neglect will eventually catch up with me. If I focus on kids, before I know it they will be grown, and I will have no way to provide for myself. Or if I focus on school they will be grown and resent me for all the times I missed out. 

I think what is really frustrating to me right now is the fact that my head is constantly hurting. I have grown accustomed to having a headache more often than not, but in the past 2 weeks, I have had to cope with migraines that make it nearly impossible to function. Waiting for medication to kick in so I can function at a minimal level. I cannot even read what I am typing at the moment because the glare from the screen hurts my eyes. If I turn my head my eyes water from the sudden pain. I have been to the Dr., and I am back on a couple different medications, but that stills puts me out of commission from working on homework that I need to get done. It makes me nervous to drive somewhere in case I get stranded until my migraine medicine kicks in. 

Overall I am really tired of the constant struggle of being an alone parent, working and going to school. I am tired of finding out I am once again falling way short of a good parent for one of my children. My children deserve so much more than they are currently getting, and then I am being selfish in many ways, and keeping them with me when opportunities for them to visit family are available.

I am really tired of these struggles... 

Bad mom moments...

So I was one of the kids room mothers every year, until 2010 (I had started the year with a co-room mom, but she took over when Kris died). I remember Kris asking why I was going to all the effort to make Halloween treats for the kindergarten my first year so over the top. (I admit, look ing back it was way more effort then it was worth) I remember answering "because I like to be that mom, that has it together enough to go over the top for her kids."

That was Brenton's first year in school, my first as a room mom. I had done cutesy stuff for the preschool kids, but that was fun for work. Fast forward 13 years. I am the mom who was not on top of asking what exactly I need to have done for Brenton's Eagle court of honor, so in a couple hours we will be attending his awards ceremony without the rewards, no pins, no badges, no fancy display of his accomplishments throughout his life as a scout.

So besides the obvious life changing experience of losing my husband, what changed? I screw up like this all the time, flake on things that are important to my kids, whose parents make the effort to be on top of it and accomplish what needs to be done. I get so depressed I just can't function. I wish I could blame it all on Kris's death, but I neglectful long before. Was it too much pressure to always be cutesy, I gave up on even being decent?

I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mom... I had never desired to even. It was Kris who from the beginning of our dating told me he couldn't wait to be a dad, so why the hell is he the one who died? While this was never in my list of what I wanted to do when I grew up, it was definitely something I needed. I have learned I can't be the perfect cutesy mom all the time, besides she had no life and it was exhausting. i hate being the flake mom I am now, not there enough for my kids, pushing them to get done what they need to, and falling way short on the bare minimum requirements of a somewhat decent parent. But I realize I need to pull my head, and make an effort to be better.

I wrote before this about how I have realized that I was forced to be independent, but then if I am so damn independent, why the hell am not getting everything together I should be? Why am I not taking advantage of those who offer help? Am I too proud? Perhaps it is because I feel it is not from the people I need help from, my family, Kris's family. I feel like more and more they expect me to be doing fine on my own. I wish they realized I do too, and the fact that I am not is painful to admit.

I am so grateful for my kids, and this makes it sound like I am not in some ways. They have saved me more times than they know. I know I would not have come as far as I have since losing Kris if it wasn't for them. I think perhaps that is why I am beating myself up so much when I make these big screw ups! I guess I just wish close family and friends would realize that as far as I have come in the last 2 and a half years, I still have a lot to go as I still miss Kris so much, especially on days like today where he should be here for his son receiving his Eagle Scout award.

I am hiding in the bathroom because I hate letting my kids see me breakdown... but I didn't get here fast enough and I got mad at them... what kind of decent parent does that?

Rediscovering ME!

I have always thought of myself as pretty independent, but until recently asked in a college class I never truly examined it. While I have always had that independent attitude, until it was forced upon me, I never was truly independent.

I had my parents through high school, and then when I graduated, I married right after, still living with my parents, I now also had my husband. I had support from both my Mom and Kris then until my mom passed. Then I feel while i still had my dad, it became more equal, being there for him, and he for us... and I still had Kris. It was when Kris died I was forced into independence... and it was not the strong attitude I thought I had always had... it has been two and a half years of redefining myself.

In an instant I went from being a half of a whole to broken, from a couple to single, leaving me with a new identity I had not had in years. And while I have had great support, it is NOT the same as having a parent or a spouse truly invested as much if not more in you and what you care about.

So I am trying to balance myself rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. It has been hard, as there are things I miss about who I was as a couple, I miss going out with married friends, it seems couples don't like inviting just me out anymore as I am a reminder of what could happen to them. So that has taken a huge toll on my social life, my close family and friends still invite me to everything, but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. So I have struggled with whether or not to fix that by trying to get out into the dating scene and meet someone. But that has proven much more difficult than I thought it would, so I go in spurts, a couple months out there dating, a couple being a hermit.

I miss being active, and feeling good about myself, having someone compliment me even when I am not feeling great about myself So I either go to the option of trying dating... but that kinda backfires too, as many guys seem to have alterier motives. SO I change me and how I feel about me. So I have been working toward improving my appearance, and how I feel about myself. I am my own worst critic, as I am sure we all are... but somehow I can be really cruel to myself when left to my own thoughts... I am pretty good at coming off confident and rather full of myself.

I miss having the luxury of having someone who was good at coming up with money if we needed it quick. He had a talent to sell, or invest, or somehow be able to always make ends meet even when I would be stressed about it. I have had to learn how to budget better, and not rely on other people... the epitome of independent. It has forced me to complete my schooling faster, and be ready to be in charge of my own career.

I have struggled with all this change, as I think we all do, but if I try to include some self evaluation as these changes are occurring it has helped understand why I need to change this about me, and whteher or not it is for the best... so here is hoping for many more positive changes in my life.

Sleeping my life away...

Depression sucks. I should know, I have battled since I was about 10. It just sucks. I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do to get going, and yet I struggle to do it. Instead I let it win, I let sleep overcome me and spend every free minute sleeping away my life. I don't spend it with my kids, or cleaning house. At least when Kris was here he would harass me and get me going, get me to the Dr. for meds, or drag me to do things with the kids. now I have just gotten good at hiding from friends and family, and my kids who have a tendency for depression, just let me be and sink into their own depression. What kind of shitty example am I? I only do the few things I am obligated to. I show up for jobs, to things the kids need to get to, or I need to go to for them, etc. Church has gotten too easy to get out of, I can find an excuse really easy to not go. Dating for a while was a good way to get out of the house, until all the guys I met online dating turned out to be creeps or losers, and you get really tired of telling your story over and over again. So somehow I need to find something to motivate me. Something to get me going in the morning and make me want to do something besides sleep. I miss Kris, I miss going out with friends, but couples don't invite me anymore because I am a reminder that he is gone, girls nights don't happen often because again they have their husband to go home to and I am a depressing reminder of a worst case scenario. I have a couple single friends but they are busy with younger kids, or are bitter to be around, and girls are drama. I miss school. School is something I do for me, even when I complain about it, it is purely for me. I like that I have to pay for it because then I am obligated to it like a job. I miss my old life, I miss Kris, I need him, he is what kept me going. Kept our family going, kept his and my family going... I just miss him. I miss being a part of a couple. I think that is why I prefer to sleep my life away, it is easier than facing this depressing real life I live in.